Polyamory and jealousy

Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
How do you make those two things work together?
05/19/2011
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Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Nessa
How do you make those two things work together?
While it is possible to have jealousy help a poly relationship it's better if you delve into what is causing the emotion and work to alleviate the underlying issue. Then you need to figure out if your jealousy is your problem to deal with or if it's something that has external rather than internal causes. For instance if you are generally happy with yourself and confident that your partner(s) aren't going to leave you, the jealousy is probably rooted in a time mis-management issue. If, however, you are persistently feeling like you might be losing your partner to some new love you need to realy take a good long look at what is prompting these feelings.

For us feelings of jealousy signal that we have an imbalance in our combined relationships and it's time to have a conversation about what is going on and how to handle the issue. We have worked long and hard to be sure that the three of us are secure in our affections so that we rarely feel the whole, "OMG he/she is leaving me" type of jealous response. We are human, though, and we often have to reorganize our time schedules to accommodate our busy lives. With three kids and three adults with demanding jobs it can be quite the juggling act.

To my mind I think ALL relationship types need jealousy management as I have seen more monogamous relationships sour through jealousy and the unrealistic expectation that just because 'we are only with each other we shouldn't feel jealousy'. It is unrealistic because jealousy is an emotion fueled by fear and we ALL feel fear.
05/19/2011
ac0313 ac0313
Very well said, Airen. To add...although not in a Poly relationship, we have been in an open relationship and I have had my share of "concerns" and jealousy since we started a couple of months ago. These have been rooted in myself only and she has done nothing to cause them...in fact she has done the opposite - tried to keep me informed and given me the option to tell her "no, I can't handle you seeing him/her right now". I think the issue for me is that this is so different than the long life of monogamy I tried to live (unsuccessfully), the realization that I need an open relationship, her ability to find partners much easier than I can, and my lower self-esteem telling me that I am not good enough fer her. I know this is my internal critic seeding these doubts in my brain.

We have had many discussions about this and with our recent 3 week separation due to a project she had to work on out of state, I have really learned how she feels, why she feels, and how compatible and good we truly are together. In essence, that internal critic has been silenced. That said, I felt a need to have her mostly to myself the first couple of weeks she returns and she has agreed to my request and said she fully understands. She even offered to be with me more than I requested, but I do not want to bogart her time completely.

I have learned to take any fear I may have and examine the cause of it. Take that cause and either eliminate it or find a way to reduce the impact, which then reduces or eliminates the fear and jealousy. Open relationships require open and honest communication, otherwise they will be fraught with fear. Our communication has always been open and honest with each other, I just need to do the same more often with myself now!
05/19/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by ac0313
Very well said, Airen. To add...although not in a Poly relationship, we have been in an open relationship and I have had my share of "concerns" and jealousy since we started a couple of months ago. These have been rooted in myself only and ... More
Sweetheart it isn't a score card! I know how it hurts to be the one staying home or in the other room while your partner is loving another but in all reality if you aren't finding many partners it just means you have more time to focus on and really build the relationships you currently have....even if it's only one! You have to remember that after your life spent thinking about and dreaming about monogamy you have to allow a period of time to mourn and heal from trying to force yourself into a mold that didn't fit.
Could be that is the only REAL reason you aren't finding partners because you are still needing time to recover, it's a process that can take a few years. You are attractive because your current partner loves you to pieces, trust in that.
Silence that inner ctitique with memories of truly loving moments where your partner showed how much she loves you. That's always worked for me...
05/20/2011
Collodion Collodion
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Sweetheart it isn't a score card! I know how it hurts to be the one staying home or in the other room while your partner is loving another but in all reality if you aren't finding many partners it just means you have more time to focus on and ... More
*offers big hugs to Arien*

You just said everything I wanted to say, but better.

Thanks for that.
05/20/2011
ac0313 ac0313
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Sweetheart it isn't a score card! I know how it hurts to be the one staying home or in the other room while your partner is loving another but in all reality if you aren't finding many partners it just means you have more time to focus on and ... More
Thanks, Airen! I understand and believe you may have found the underlying issue - I need to mourn/rest and focus on my new loving relationship.
Oh, and I did not intend to indicate a score was being kept, what I was trying to convey is that I know it will be different for each of us and I am good with that. I guess that is not how it was understood...
05/20/2011
Dizzykakes Dizzykakes
haha. I wish I knew the answer to the question. I am too much of a jealous person to be with more than one person.
05/20/2011
tammyandy69 tammyandy69
jealousy is in every type of relationship known to man. It can be a warning sing that something is wrong, inside and out of ones self. It should not be feared but used as a tool to get closes to your partner(s). If you can trust them with your fears you can trust them with anything.
05/25/2011
tammyandy69 tammyandy69
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
While it is possible to have jealousy help a poly relationship it's better if you delve into what is causing the emotion and work to alleviate the underlying issue. Then you need to figure out if your jealousy is your problem to deal with or if ... More
you have a wonderful mind and a way putting things that put people at ease. Are you a educator in the real world?
05/25/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by tammyandy69
you have a wonderful mind and a way putting things that put people at ease. Are you a educator in the real world?
LOL I am a homeschooling Mom.
05/26/2011
emiliaa emiliaa
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Nessa
How do you make those two things work together?
Very interesting topic... I'm new to being poly, and so is my partner, so I'm hoping we figure a way to keep jealousy in check. That's kind of our biggest fear. @_@
06/06/2011
RosesThorns RosesThorns
When I start feeling jealous (whether in a mono or poly relationship) I try to figure out what is causing that feeling, not just the trigger but the actual cause, it takes some time sometimes but its helpful to dig and evaluate whats causing you to feel that way.
10/05/2011
Total posts: 12
Unique posters: 8