Polyamory...

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Polyamory...

Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
So nice to see a place for discussions about my lifestyle! I'll start by saying I am currently in a triad "V" style with my husband and lover. The guys aren't involved with each other, other than doing stuff for me > and my lover and I are fluid bonded and monogamous. My husband is more of a swinger though he admits if he found someone who "fit" he'd probably settle...my lover and I just nod and mention that stranger things have happened.
We have always been very open about our life and love styles (without any sexual details of course) with our children and I am wondering if some of the others in the forums have had problems with their kids accepting their choices. I ask because of an odd situation in our family, it seems our kids have no problem with me calling my lover, my boyfriend but they strenuously object to my husband mentioning any of his lovers as "girlfriend". Apparently my boyfriend has been around for so long he's family but none of my husband's women last long enough to make it to girlfriend status...LOL
~Airen
02/23/2009
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Destri Destri
Well, after years of total monogamy, my husband and I have recently been giving Poly some consideration. It seems to be something that can have many pitfalls, but when it works, it is great. We will just have to see...
02/27/2009
Backseat Boohoo Backseat Boohoo
I'm actually going in the opposite direction right now: I'm trying to go from years of poly relationships (which lead to about a year of several FWB) to absolute monogamy, and only with men. It's unbelievably difficult for me.
02/28/2009
Dame Demi Dame Demi
A bad poly experience has come dangerously close to ruining my nearly 16-year marriage, so I am personally working toward becoming born-again monogamous. Whether it works or not is yet to be determined, but I'm giving it my all. In my experience, poly works only when all involved are trustworthy and truly looking for a poly relationship, not to steal another person's spouse. Forgive me if I sound bitter, but I am atm.
02/28/2009
lolife lolife
I consider myself polyamorous though I am currently only involved with one partner. I believe that poly doesn't necessarily have to be sexual, that it is defined by the close/intimate relationships that you have.
03/10/2009
Victoria Victoria
Quote:
Originally posted by lolife
I consider myself polyamorous though I am currently only involved with one partner. I believe that poly doesn't necessarily have to be sexual, that it is defined by the close/intimate relationships that you have.
Lolife, you made such an excellent point here. Emotional/intimate relationships are sometimes more difficult for partners to accept. I have seen a lot of coverage lately in the media, particularly magazines about "emotional cheating" and I think most people don't consider those relationships until there is a jealous partner or a problem arises. Typically there are phrases like "betrayal of intimacy" and so on, but it makes the point that seeking supplement outside the primary relationship is not always sexual.
03/10/2009
Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Victoria
Lolife, you made such an excellent point here. Emotional/intimate relationships are sometimes more difficult for partners to accept. I have seen a lot of coverage lately in the media, particularly magazines about "emotional cheating" and I ...
This gets into some very interesting territory regarding how you define affairs. I've long maintained that an "emotional" affair without a sexual component although accepted by our society is far more dangerous to a relationship than a "sexual" affair without an "emotional" component.

This series of thoughts is generally one that gets me into a trouble in a civilized discussion and causes my husband endless stress. I don't normally bring it up.
03/10/2009
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Dame Demi
A bad poly experience has come dangerously close to ruining my nearly 16-year marriage, so I am personally working toward becoming born-again monogamous. Whether it works or not is yet to be determined, but I'm giving it my all. In my ...
I know what you mean Demi I had a relationship early in my marriage that nearly ruined my marriage and did ruin my friendship with a woman I loved deeply. Still for us monogamy just doesn't seem to work, neither of us is monogamous nor are we happy when we try. Still there have been many nights I have grieved the loss of the dream of the "perfect love" that only involves two people.

That being said I wouldn't trade my current situation for anything. I am closer to my husband than we have EVER been, my lover is teaching me so much about myself and all my relationships just by being himself. For us this works and for now that is enough.
03/29/2009
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by lolife
I consider myself polyamorous though I am currently only involved with one partner. I believe that poly doesn't necessarily have to be sexual, that it is defined by the close/intimate relationships that you have.
I was poly for many years before I entered into a sexual relationship. I invest much energy in building relationships investing emotionally totally which is as intimate as you can get without sex. My husband is not at all poly, in that he doesn't invest any emotion in his affairs, it's just sex with him. You can be poly without having more than one sex partner.
03/29/2009
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Victoria
Lolife, you made such an excellent point here. Emotional/intimate relationships are sometimes more difficult for partners to accept. I have seen a lot of coverage lately in the media, particularly magazines about "emotional cheating" and I ...
Hell yes! My husband cheated on me for many years, he has admitted he was not faithful to me at any time in our relationship, ironically until I met and fell for my current lover. Still he pointed out to me recently that I was never faithful either! I would tell intimate details of our lives to anyone who would listen, I built intense and destructive relationships with other women and men. I took time that should have been spent with him and spent it with strangers talking sex. That is the picture of an emotional cheater. Opening our relationship and having to communicate and be truthful has saved us, though I hurt for Demi and others who have been taken for a ride by untruthful users and cheats. You speak truth Demi when you say it needs to be a relationship built on mutual attraction not a desire for the person's spouse.

It's not easy but you know neither is monogamy when all is said and sifted. I don't think it's about personal choice as much as situational choice. If you meet a lover or set of lovers who are committed to being open and poly then you will have a better chance to succeed but even in monogamy if both parties aren't committed to being together no matter what and working out problems then it ain't gonna work.
03/29/2009
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
This gets into some very interesting territory regarding how you define affairs. I've long maintained that an "emotional" affair without a sexual component although accepted by our society is far more dangerous to a relationship than a ...
I can second your belief DBD. I was in a close non-sexual relationship with my current lover for three years. During that time my husband took second fiddle to almost every aspect of my life because Arch might need me, and I was glued to the computer. I was either waiting for him to log in or talking for 18 hour stretches... After we finally admitted we were in love my lover found out what I had been doing for three years and he took me severely to task for it! He agreed and apologized to my husband and then refused to do anything more until I had mended and strengthened my original relationship. For this reason alone I say this relationship works for us...both of my guys are 100% committed to a future for all of us.
03/29/2009
TinyTease TinyTease
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I can second your belief DBD. I was in a close non-sexual relationship with my current lover for three years. During that time my husband took second fiddle to almost every aspect of my life because Arch might need me, and I was glued to the ...
"Both of my guys are 100% committed to a future for all of us." I'm so glad for you. It's such a hard thing to find one person who can really work for you, let alone 2 partners who can work together (non sexually speaking). Though I am not in any relationship right now, I do hope to find myself in a happy poly-friendly one when I am.
04/07/2009
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by TinyTease
"Both of my guys are 100% committed to a future for all of us." I'm so glad for you. It's such a hard thing to find one person who can really work for you, let alone 2 partners who can work together (non sexually speaking). ...
You ain't kidding! The best way to find yourself in a happy poly-friendly relationship is to be totally honest with your prospective partners and mostly yourself. Our relationship just took a different turn, I managed to beat all the odds and get pregnant after three tries. We are all a bit stunned but the working out of living arrangements and bill paying.....gaaah it's been a real rough road.
04/16/2009
RosesThorns RosesThorns
I was poly for a long time till I met my current partner... and he is chronically mono. I am honestly struggling and have f'ed up once already... How does one go from being poly to being mono? Does it ever work out in the long run? Am I screwed? LOL
08/21/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by RosesThorns
I was poly for a long time till I met my current partner... and he is chronically mono. I am honestly struggling and have f'ed up once already... How does one go from being poly to being mono? Does it ever work out in the long run? Am I screwed? LOL
You have to make a choice and decide if you love this person enough to work through the fact that you've already cheated (if you haven't then I appologize). It can be done but it has to be a loving choice not a forced threat. If being with him fills all the empty spots and makes you content to remain with him then yes it can work, even better: if you can fill all the empty spots with loving him then yes it can work. The key here is the word 'work'. It is going to take commitment and lots of hard work to refocus yourself.
I wish you greatest luck and I hope it works out for you.
08/23/2010
DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
Quote:
Originally posted by RosesThorns
I was poly for a long time till I met my current partner... and he is chronically mono. I am honestly struggling and have f'ed up once already... How does one go from being poly to being mono? Does it ever work out in the long run? Am I screwed? LOL
I'm not poly, but my advice isn't mono/poly specific... My theory on relationships is that if your needs aren't met, you will never be happy in the relationship. It doesn't matter if you're happy with them, or if you love them, or if you want to be monogamous if you're polygamous, or if you want to be polyamorous if you're monogamous. If the needs that are most important to you aren't being met, the relationship can not and will not ever work in any kind of way that makes either of you happy.

That being said, I think that it's possible to go from being polyamorous to being monogamous, if the lover you're with can meet the needs that are most important. Are you happy with them? Are your needs being met? Is it/he worth the hard work that this is going to take, to make it work? If you try to force a square peg into a round hole, all that's going to happen is that you're going to squish your finger. Sometimes, you need to make the hole a little more square and the peg a little more round.

I hope that helps a little, and I wish you lots of luck and lots of patience.
08/23/2010
VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
I was a part of a triad back in November of last year and it ended at the tail end of February of this year. I was the girlfriend to a friend of mine's, at the time she was a friend, husband. I was monogamous to him, though he obviously was not. It ended up not working for several reasons and, honestly, in the past months the end to our relationship has gone from good to bitter.

I'm burned out on poly. It takes a lot of chemistry and such with one person. It's hard to find that same mesh and chemistry with multiple people.

Kudos to those who can and do find happiness and meshing, though. I'm glad it works for some people
08/23/2010
RosesThorns RosesThorns
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
You have to make a choice and decide if you love this person enough to work through the fact that you've already cheated (if you haven't then I appologize). It can be done but it has to be a loving choice not a forced threat. If being with ...
It wasn't a cheating situation, more of I can't deal with being mono so I'm running away situation. I have since come back to said partner and we are discussing the possibility of being poly. He has a lot of issues he wants to work through first (internal stuff he's dealing with) and he wants to feel more secure in us (which I totally understand), but I can't help feeling guilty for wanting our relationship to be open, I have really never have had to deal with a partner who wasn't poly or ok with the idea. I dunno I think I am starting to babble here. At any rate there is a lot of talking/communicating going on between us and more honesty than we can handle at times which I am very grateful for.
10/05/2011
RosesThorns RosesThorns
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
You have to make a choice and decide if you love this person enough to work through the fact that you've already cheated (if you haven't then I appologize). It can be done but it has to be a loving choice not a forced threat. If being with ...
It wasn't a cheating situation, more of I can't deal with being mono so I'm running away situation. I have since come back to said partner and we are discussing the possibility of being poly. He has a lot of issues he wants to work through first (internal stuff he's dealing with) and he wants to feel more secure in us (which I totally understand), but I can't help feeling guilty for wanting our relationship to be open, I have really never have had to deal with a partner who wasn't poly or ok with the idea. I dunno I think I am starting to babble here. At any rate there is a lot of talking/communicating going on between us and more honesty than we can handle at times which I am very grateful for.
10/05/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by RosesThorns
It wasn't a cheating situation, more of I can't deal with being mono so I'm running away situation. I have since come back to said partner and we are discussing the possibility of being poly. He has a lot of issues he wants to work ...
Awwww I know it's hard but it does get easier the more you talk. I hope you guys can navigate the waters this time and find your own way.
10/05/2011
Total posts: 20
Unique posters: 11