Question about polyamory...

ImABarbieGirl ImABarbieGirl
I have read about it in the past... And am semi-interested... My husband hasn't expressed an interest, but hasn't dismissed it either. He says he doesn't want any other woman. He wants me and only me... But at the same time thinks it would be hot for me to have a bf or gf. Soo wondering, are any of you in this kind of situation? Does it work out well? How do you do this when you have a child (my son is 6)?
I am looking for info to see if its right for us, and if now is right....

Thanks.
02/12/2011
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Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by ImABarbieGirl
I have read about it in the past... And am semi-interested... My husband hasn't expressed an interest, but hasn't dismissed it either. He says he doesn't want any other woman. He wants me and only me... But at the same time thinks it ... More
First off I would read all the posts about children and poly on this forum in particular. Then read all you can about both sides of the equation. Can it work? yes Will it work? It depends on you and your particular relationship, how hard your willing to work for it and how strong your first relationship is.

Only you and your partner can decide if this type of relationship is right for you, though I would certainly do as much research as you can before you make any move toward adding someone else to the mix. The real question is can your man handle you actually loving someone else? While the head may say that loving others doesn't diminish the love you feel for your partner the heart often says something else.

As long as your son grows up in a household where his parents are firmly committed to his happiness and safety polyamory is no more damaging than any other family composition. The real key is finding and surrounding your children with people who love them and are firmly committed to giving them the best life possible, firm boundaries and a respect for others. Provide all that and you've done what any parent is supposed to do. Your sex life isn't the concern of your kids and should NEVER be the concern of your kids. You keep your sex life private with only one partner and you simply continue to do this if you are lucky enough to have lightning strike and you find an amazing person (or persons) to add to your family.

In our relationship my husband and I are both active with other partners but our life partner is monogamous to me for the time being. He does this by choice and has admitted that if he finds someone he wants to date (or just have sex with) and he can be sure they are clean he will reconsider his choice at that time. For now it works for us but we are open to whatever might come along. The one thing we are committed to is working as hard as we can to make it work.

My advice would be to work on making your relationship with your husband as strong as you can make it. You want it to be a place that offers you the freedom for personal growth that you need. It also needs to be the one place you can't imagine ever leaving. Your husband needs to be more than your partner, he needs to be your friend, mate, cheering section, and the one person who will ALWAYS tell you the truth about yourself. You need to be able to go to him and talk about your new love and have him be amazed at the change in you rather than bge threatened by it. He needs to love seeing you in love and be able to celebrate it with you. You need to be able to share your new joy with him and allow it to fill your relationship with him and renew it. You also need to be aware of time management and be able to give each person as equal and amount of time as you physically can.

You need to find a partner who can understand that you won't be able to love him/her the same way you love your husband and father of your child. That doesn't mean it will be less love but it WILL be different. Your new partner needs to clelbrate that difference and draw strength from it. He/she needs to be comfortable with the knowledge that you will continue to nurture your relationship with your husband and to respect that time and effort. He/she also needs to understand that your child comes first....end of discussion.

If you aren't done having children then you need to decide ahead of time, WAY ahead of time, who will be the father of your future children. You need to decide that if you get pregnant by a life partner rather than your husband that both men are capable of working together with you to co-parent the child for life. The non-biological partner, even if he/she leaves must understand that to the child this is a divorce situation and it is cruel to the child that they are told to forget the love they have for that partner. EVERYONE needs to be comfortable with this arrangement. In my situation I have children with both men and both men are amazing at co-parenting and committed to being the best parents they can to all three children not just their own genetic offspring. The children are our first concern after our complicated relationship dynamic...and we work on our adult processing quickly and after we have made sure the children's needs are met. Our relationships need to be secure and strong to make a safe and secure place for our kids.

In short you need to do, in polyamorous relationships, the same things you should be doing in your monogamous one.
02/12/2011
zeebot zeebot
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
First off I would read all the posts about children and poly on this forum in particular. Then read all you can about both sides of the equation. Can it work? yes Will it work? It depends on you and your particular relationship, how hard your willing ... More
This is all amazing advice, definitely follow it! The only thing I really want to stress is communication - if anything makes you uncomfortable or feels wrong, you need to be able to talk about it openly, and find out what's wrong, otherwise it could get bad quite quickly.
02/12/2011
ImABarbieGirl ImABarbieGirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
First off I would read all the posts about children and poly on this forum in particular. Then read all you can about both sides of the equation. Can it work? yes Will it work? It depends on you and your particular relationship, how hard your willing ... More
Thanks for that. We already agreed that if we decide to enter this, only my husband will be getting me pregnant. Thats already a done deal...

My only issue at this point is having my son see this person (or persons) and gets confused and starts to wonder. Not sure if I want to bring someone into my house like that until he is older and can let him go to friends houses like teenagers do. Thats my only concern with that. Its kinda hard for me to put it into words that makes it sound right LOL - so sorry if it doesnt make sense.

As for my husband, we haven't said yes, but we haven't ruled it out either. I think he wants to give it a try. He doesn't want a partner (fine by me actually - I get too jealous, and i know this). But then am I being selfish because I find someone I want to bring into the relationship? I'm still young, i still have lots of time to figure it all out, i know this.

Thanks for the advise, it really helps, and poses some good questions/points and thoughts.
02/14/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by ImABarbieGirl
Thanks for that. We already agreed that if we decide to enter this, only my husband will be getting me pregnant. Thats already a done deal...

My only issue at this point is having my son see this person (or persons) and gets confused and ... More
Hun if you are too jealous to allow him the same relationship he is offering you then you are headed for heartache. I have yet to see a time when a partner watches his/her love loving another that he/she doesn't wonder if it's all it's cracked up to be. This lifestyle more than any other is about change and flexibility. You have to be able to say that you can give him what he's giving you! He may never change his mind and/or he might be setting you up for a fall (consciously or unconsciously) by "testing" you when he says he doesn't want anyone else but it's fine if you look. A woman is just as much of a threat to a hetero relationship as another man is also, it won't be easier on him if you are seeing another woman. Then again what if you ARE seeing another woman and he falls in love with her too?

Being concerned for you son is great. Our children are what our world revolves around. Be sure before you bring in another person that they understand your world is in the face of your son...and be sure they are just as committed to that. It's only a few years before they are starting the process of moving out afterall. You are talking love not a one night stand so presumably this person will be there when your child is ready to fly solo!
If you are comfortable with your self and your relationship your child will be, but if you have even the smallest doubt that what you are doing is perfectly normal and ok it could be disaster. Our children learn from watching our actions and reactions. If you are happy, fulfilled and well loved then your child will be happy and better off, if you are conflicted and spending gobs of time on adult processing then he will be miserable.
02/18/2011
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Unique posters: 3