Spin-off of "Are your partners friends?" poll - LONG personal story

MissMori MissMori
When I started that poll, I was dealing with something I honestly don't see discussed in the books I've read, or among the poly people I know. I decided I didn't want to get into the whole story at the time since my basic curiosity was about whether other poly people's partners were friends in a general sense.
My background is that I've been a secondary partner in a couple of good relationships (still am!) but had never been the primary in a relationship that has that sort of structure (primary partners vs. no designation). Well, I'm now in a poly relationship with my Sir. It's still new - we've been together about four months - but so far is great. When I met Him, I was at a con and He was there with a long-term partner. I ended up playing with her, had a great time, and was eager to see her again. She's in a primary relationship along with several others, and lives in a different state, so she doesn't get much time with Him. When she visited last month, I didn't want to take up too much time, but she was staying for a week and we all decided to spend one night of that together with them visiting at my place.
I figured everything was great, and messaged her beforehand and all that.
Well, the actual visit was a disaster. It started off well, and everyone had fun (as far as I could tell) at first, but during the first "break" she started making really snipy comments to me. This went on all evening. Like, passive-aggressive things such as remarks about my body and critiques of how I handle impact and explaining really basic things like cuts of meat (at one point I was cooking steaks) in a weird condescending tone.
I was annoyed, but since she's also His partner (and she reminded me a couple of times that they'd been playing together for three years) AND was there first, and also just because I get really into making everyone happy and comfortable, I was as nice as I could be and would say things back like "yes, I know" or "It's okay, I'm happy with how I am". Not arguing or anything, you know?
Anyway, after this visit I called Him and asked what was going on. I said I felt like she was attacking me in really subtle ways and that I was surprised by it since I thought we all wanted to have a good evening together and were already comfortable with each other. I felt like something was "off" and wanted to see if there was a problem between them and if I were somehow responsible.
He said that He's never seen her act like that around anyone, and that she wouldn't talk to him about it during the last few days they were at his place together.
I never heard anything further from her, and didn't message her afterwards about it. I figured she just plain didn't like me, and that we shouldn't meet again and He should see us separately from now on.
There are a couple of reasons this is still on my mind a month later.
For one thing, I'm still wondering if I should have followed up and checked to see if things were okay with her (by message, so He wouldn't be involved in the conversation).
I also feel bad because although He assures me (and from what I know of her other relationships, including her being married to her main partner) that they were always more play partners and friends and that she knew He was looking for a primary partner - which is me at the moment - well, I just feel like this whole thing has possibly intruded on the relationship they already have. I don't want to do that to ANY relationship, even if it's more casual.
And the heart of it - which is the thing that doesn't get discussed - is what is the best way to handle things if you have two partners who just ARE NOT friends? Everyone talks about jealousy, but this isn't jealousy. I want Him to be happy with whoever else He wants, and she seems just not to like me as a person. It's not like we'll see each other around because of the distance, but I'm a little uneasy about someone He has a long-standing connection to disliking me in what seems like a strong way.
If anyone has input, like if I should try opening up a conversation with her now, or if I should just let it go, or if you've dealt with this sort of thing and have a perspective I'd like to hear it.
I'll admit I'm a little uneasy about her feelings toward me, even though I trust Him.
If you've read this far, thanks! I know it's long, but the only other person I've talked to (apart from Him) is another (female) partner of mine so she's not really objective, you know? I guess I just want outside advice if I should do anything to help fix it. Also, I really want to be able to have other women around for play but now I'm a bit apprehensive. So far the best idea we've come up with is that I find them or that they're already partners or friends of mine.
Thanks again in advance! I feel comfortable opening up here since these forums seem friendly and don't devolve into flaming the way some others do!
07/27/2012
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Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by MissMori
When I started that poll, I was dealing with something I honestly don't see discussed in the books I've read, or among the poly people I know. I decided I didn't want to get into the whole story at the time since my basic curiosity was ... More
WOW what a tangled web! On the surface I would say she feels threatened and was feeling like you were intruding on the time she spends with your Sir (I am going to stick to the D/s terms I am most comfortable with).

Then thing is it seems to me that there was a bit more going on here under the surface. I don't know if this woman is normally dominant in her relationship with your Sir but she was acting like a Domme toward you. It sounds to my more experienced ear like she was playing a bit of dominance game with you and establishing herself as your Superior.

If she is to be seen as your superior then your Sir should have been the one making this clear to you. He might have missed the subtle game going on and for that YOU are not responsible.

It could also be that outside a play environment she is simply an aggressive and snide person. I can act this way myself if I am unsure of the boundaries of a situation.

My advice to you would be to let this go as "first impressions" and remember that first impressions are rarely lasting ones. If you get the chance to be face to face with her again you could gently ask if you have offended her but if she says no, drop it. Take her at her word and try not to decide what she's really feeling.
You can let your Sir know that YOU do not dislike her but you are unwilling to bear up under her scorn and disrespectful behavior, unless it pleases Him. Remember that this MIGHT be a game they play and you can get a lot out of this game if you see it as a chance to perfect your ability to endure. At no point should you internalize what she is saying, ultimately your Sir is who you should be looking to please, right?

You are the new partner but you have a real place in His life, trust that even when it seems like you are causing problems. So long as you are not going out of your way to do this, your conscience is clear. He must decide what He wishes before you can decide if it's something and somewhere you want to go. Remember: safe, sane and consensual!

She is not a primary to Him but they have history so TRUST Him when He reassures you and let Him decide when the next time you meet up with her. Chances are He's not too happy with her behavior anyhow but he may be a bit unsure of His place in Her life.

Work on the relationship you are building with Him and let the other slide until you are in a position to properly ask if you have offended and make your apologies in a manner that is proper. If you continue to worry about it then it could end up poisoning the well, if that makes sense.

If she dislikes you intensely, which really doesn't seem like the issue here, there's not really anything you can do except trust that he cares for you. You can't MAKE someone like you! You can be respectful of His relationship with her and demand the same in return, from HIM. She must be left to her own devices since He can't control her actions anymore than you can.
I would really be curious about her if this is a significant part of His life and listen objectively without contradicting Him if He says she's really friendly, ect. You don't know what she's really like after one meeting and ANYTHING could have been wrong that day! Be gentle with His heart on the matter and you might win her over by how supportive and kind YOU are. When you have had some time you will be able to express your frustration to her in a constructive manner...trust me!

My guys went through the same sort of thing born out of fear and jealousy. Sigel was a complete ass to Arch most of the time...because he was frustrated Arch wasn't living up to the potential Sigel saw in him. Then Sigel got sick and Arch took over..and everything changed. Their love for me bridged the age and background differences and they are actually having a great time of it, but we've been together for over 6 years now.

Well this was long and rambling but I hope it helps! If you want to talk more feel free to drop me a note here on EF.
07/28/2012
MissMori MissMori
Thank you! It's really helpful to hear an outside perspective since I've never run into this before.
So far my take is that I should let my feelings be known to Him (which I have) and let it go until one of them needs to discuss things with me. Sounds like you agree?
I think there was something going on with whatever she was trying to establish that neither He nor I was aware of or talked to about beforehand. She's a bottom (as opposed to submissive) to Him, but also has been in the process of being mentored and trained as such. I think what squicks me out is that whatever her perspective was about acting that way toward me, she never spoke with Him about it after the fact. I don't need to hear everyone's details about things not directly involving me, but if this was a game she wanted to play with Him and I (or just found out in the middle of it she wanted to), neither of us were told. I'm weird about things like that going on when other partners aren't being told about it or given a post-play follow up to check and see how everyone feels about it.
Considering what you've said, no, Sir never told me that He intended her to be dominant of me in any way. He did miss a lot of what was going on at the time, but could tell something "wasn't right". And I can see your point about pleasing Him (which is the ultimate goal here) by staying calm and well-mannered under scorn, but that's not His style. Especially with physical comments - He's not into that anyway, since He has a really good understanding of how much crap we women can get about our bodies in everyday life! It's not a fun playtime thing.
Either way, it's been really good to unpack this with someone not directly involved. Since she's not local and hasn't been talking to Him since then, I'm not going to get a chance to discuss this anytime soon, but I like your advice about asking if I've offended and apologizing if I can, once I get the chance and letting it slide until then.
And I guess my worries about having upset their dynamic are moot if she's choosing not to talk to Him about it.
You're right that worrying further could be worse for me (and my ability to serve). I've been able to work through a lot of that, since I've had time with Him since then to be shown that my style (which is very different than hers - one of the reasons I can see us both having value and don't understand her need to pick apart my differences as a negative) is still appreciated and wanted.
So, thanks again for all your input! Overall, this has made me stronger, but since it was a new thing I feel good for being able to talk about it with someone with more experience!
07/28/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by MissMori
Thank you! It's really helpful to hear an outside perspective since I've never run into this before.
So far my take is that I should let my feelings be known to Him (which I have) and let it go until one of them needs to discuss things ... More
Sounds like you've got a good handle on this already! If there is a problem in their relationship step away and out of the firing line...it simply isn't your place to deal with it, mediate it, or be anything other than a sentient pair of ears. Tell Him you appreciate all he does for you and leave it to Him to deal with. A nice hug and an assurance that you trust His decisions and that He, and she, can work it out also helps...be wary of giving advice though.

Either way you are doing great and He should be proud of you, I know I would be.
07/28/2012
MissMori MissMori
Hey, is that a glass of wine? Thanks, I could use one!
(Some of the smileys on here are adorable)

Once again, I appreciate your taking some time to offer advice to a stranger on the internet!
07/29/2012
Total posts: 5
Unique posters: 2