He's just not into it...

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He's just not into it...

LikeSunshineDust LikeSunshineDust
So my boyfriend has known for a long time that I like being held down during sex and that my last boyfriend and I experimented a little with very light bondage. I really thought he might enjoy using an under the bed restraint system with me, so I got all excited about it and told him I was thinking of buying one. His response was that he refused to be tied up and wasn't too keen on doing it to me. He used excuses like we change positions too often and stuff like that.

I really upset because it's something that would be a huge turn on for me (being tied up and getting to tie him up) and he's completely opposed to it. I'm not sure if this is something that I might have better luck bringing it up later when we settle down together and sex needs some spicing up.

Any advice? Half of me feels like I should just drop it and forget about it, but my stubborn half wants my way. My stubborn half gets me in trouble sometimes. Whatever I do, I won't do it right away. He'd probably get mad at me for bringing it up for the third time in two days.
03/23/2009
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Tuesday Tuesday
Quote:
Originally posted by LikeSunshineDust
So my boyfriend has known for a long time that I like being held down during sex and that my last boyfriend and I experimented a little with very light bondage. I really thought he might enjoy using an under the bed restraint system with me, so I got ...
I'm in the same situation. My man says he'll do what I want, but instead of overpowering me and pinning me down so I can't move, he just mildly put his hands over mine. He just doesn't have it in him. I don't believe I'll be able to change him. Guys either want to do this or they don't.

I know another man who was almost frighteningly into it.
03/23/2009
Sammi Sammi
My husband's gotten more into it over time - I think the first time we ever tried it (years ago), we were a little drunk. Funny how I'll try stuff when I'm buzzing, but that's another story. It was nothing much the first time, but it was fun. Sometimes, after that, he'd surprise me when I came home from work with candles out, champagne, and the belts from our robes already tied to the posts. I didn't buy our first set of real restraints for a long time.

Maybe you should try something playful and innocuous first, like items you already have to tie him up? Neckties work good too, and it's fun. I know my husband really gets into it now.
03/23/2009
LikeSunshineDust LikeSunshineDust
Quote:
Originally posted by Tuesday
I'm in the same situation. My man says he'll do what I want, but instead of overpowering me and pinning me down so I can't move, he just mildly put his hands over mine. He just doesn't have it in him. I don't believe I'll ...
Do you think there's any hope for the guys that don't want to do this? I feel like he should at least want to try it for me; I would do it for him.
03/23/2009
Nashville Nashville
Quote:
Originally posted by LikeSunshineDust
So my boyfriend has known for a long time that I like being held down during sex and that my last boyfriend and I experimented a little with very light bondage. I really thought he might enjoy using an under the bed restraint system with me, so I got ...
My husband said the same about 3 years ago until I actually bought lovebonds. Oh, his attitude changed once we had them on the bed and I was tying him up. He absolutely RELISHED it- I made sure to use props such as a feather tickler and a pair of silk panties to rub over his skin. When he tied me up he wasn't that into it because he hates being creative, he gets that corn fed Midwestern look on his face every time like "um.... so..." lol.

Just buy them anyway. Even if he doesn't want to use them you can still have them to have them. Trust me, it's a lot different using them than thinking about using them. If BDSM is a new concept to him it may be a hard thing for him to grasp, especially if he's the conservative type. Once you're actually playing around with the stuff and he realizes it isn't so shady (some online product pictures make stuff look like it was made for the darkest of dungeons). Go for nonthreatening colors too, it might make him more receptive when he sees them in person. "Oh, pink tethers with white hearts? That's fucking cute, of course I'll tie you up with this Barbie BDSMware."

Trust me, suppressing your desires will not do either of you any good. If we just cram our wants and needs down deep inside of us there comes a day where we snap or go out and seek those things from other people. It's like dieting- you stop yourself from eating cake for months, you're miserable... the day finally comes where you say to yourself, "I really want some friggin cake" so you get a slice.. and then 2.. and then 3. You overindulge. Don't live your life trying to suppress your sweet tooth because you'll only be miserable. If it's important to you than it's important to the growth of your relationship. Buy them and keep communicating with him that you want to use them, if he loves you he eventually will.
03/23/2009
Tuesday Tuesday
Quote:
Originally posted by Nashville
My husband said the same about 3 years ago until I actually bought lovebonds. Oh, his attitude changed once we had them on the bed and I was tying him up. He absolutely RELISHED it- I made sure to use props such as a feather tickler and a pair of ...
Hmmm... What a good idea. Maybe there's hope for LikeSunshineDust's man and mine.
03/23/2009
LikeSunshineDust LikeSunshineDust
Quote:
Originally posted by Nashville
My husband said the same about 3 years ago until I actually bought lovebonds. Oh, his attitude changed once we had them on the bed and I was tying him up. He absolutely RELISHED it- I made sure to use props such as a feather tickler and a pair of ...
Thanks for your advice, especially about not suppressing my desires. That's honestly one of my biggest fears with this whole thing.

I think right now he's just into plain, normal sex; not necessarily conservative, just vanilla.
03/23/2009
Miss KissThis Miss KissThis
Quote:
Originally posted by Nashville
My husband said the same about 3 years ago until I actually bought lovebonds. Oh, his attitude changed once we had them on the bed and I was tying him up. He absolutely RELISHED it- I made sure to use props such as a feather tickler and a pair of ...
"Oh, pink tethers with white hearts? That's fucking cute, of course I'll tie you up with this Barbie BDSMware."

I laughed a lot at that. Oh man, the mental images...
03/24/2009
LikeSunshineDust LikeSunshineDust
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss KissThis
"Oh, pink tethers with white hearts? That's fucking cute, of course I'll tie you up with this Barbie BDSMware."

I laughed a lot at that. Oh man, the mental images...
Yea, I lol'd at that too. There's no way he'd be ok with anything pink though...maybe blue or green.
03/24/2009
Backseat Boohoo Backseat Boohoo
Hilarious quote!

I always go for black if I can swing it. So classic and yet, so dark and naughty. Bright red is great, too, if you want a contrast with the skin.
03/25/2009
FlyingChef FlyingChef
I would say try and ease into it, at first I was a little bit skeptical of all this but my G/F loved it... there's no real harm in trying it. Sometimes you just act a little rougher each time until he doesn't like 'playing nice' as much.. i still like to think i'm pretty sensual-- I love cooking dinner for her, a nice candlelight evening but she loves what she loves.. that evenings gonna end with someone in handcuffs
03/31/2009
Magician Magician
You could always try and blindfold him once, with no other restraints. Ease him into sensory deprivation and see if he's into that.
04/12/2009
LikeSunshineDust LikeSunshineDust
Quote:
Originally posted by Magician
You could always try and blindfold him once, with no other restraints. Ease him into sensory deprivation and see if he's into that.
I've started shopping around for one, actually.

I think right now since we're doing the long-distance thing, all he wants is plain sex. When I get out of school in a couple years and we settle down together, I don't think it'll take long for him to want some "spice". Not to say that plain sex will be boring then, but I think he'll be more open to the idea of something new.
04/13/2009
LikeSunshineDust LikeSunshineDust
I'm also thinking of getting the I like it doggie style strap link . I think that would be a good "baby step".
04/14/2009
ordinaryak ordinaryak
Quote:
Originally posted by LikeSunshineDust
Do you think there's any hope for the guys that don't want to do this? I feel like he should at least want to try it for me; I would do it for him.
i wouldnt push him too hard on the subject simply becuase someday he might want to "try" somthing that simply is just not going to cut it for you and it wouldnt be very fair for him. try talking to him on a deeper level. let him know why you want to try it (besides the fact that it would really turn you on) explain why it would turn you on maybe theres somethings you could do to work up to it. like if what you want is for him to take control or be more assertive he can do some practicing first by just giving you a simply command of "touch yourself" or "put your arms around me" build his confedence that this is actually what you want to hear from him.
02/28/2010
Phoenix77 Phoenix77
My boyfriend was the same way for quite a while... It took us both getting a bit tipsy for me to work up the courage to get him to start really getting rough, and even then it took months before he would willingly take charge. Once he did though, everything clicked!

But definitely don't ignore your feelings entirely, it will end up causing problems in the long run that aren't going to be fun to deal with
03/16/2010
Total posts: 16
Unique posters: 10