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True, true. You know me pretty well. I post here out of fristration most of the time. I just need an outlet, someone to convey my frustration to but my options on that department are limited. I try talking with her about this issue but she always
True, true. You know me pretty well. I post here out of fristration most of the time. I just need an outlet, someone to convey my frustration to but my options on that department are limited. I try talking with her about this issue but she always diverts the topic... which just pisses me off.
I can't think of any actual examples at the moment but it's always like this:
Me-"Tonight I want to take you into the bedroom, take off your clothes and...."
Her-"Oh look, there's a squierrel outside the window."
This is a little more rediculous but the real incidents are pretty close on the frustration level.
I will admit that a month ago she finally did have sex with me after I was in the shower with her and as she was stepping out of the shower I snuck my palm between her legs and to my suprise she was dripping down her leg. I said to her "You're this horny and you're turning me down?! I don't think so, tonight we're having sex and I don't want to hear any excuses." I did everything I could to make it romantic. I made a DVD of music by Faun(etherial celtic music) and put it to a video of a campfire with clouds and the moon that's animated. Put sounds of nature in the surround pans.. basically made a nice afternoon project. I showered, shaved everything up and even put on spec of scented oil. With that DVD playing on our 50" TV and the livingroom only lit by candles, I spent a good 20 minutes on our chouch trying to get her to make out with me with more than quick pecking, which she kind of slightly open mouth kisses by the time I penetrated her. She came almost immediatly. About ten minutes later she came again and I had her straddle me while I sat on the couch. I grabbed her and ground into her hard, she kept getting close. After a while we moved onto the floor with her on top. She came again and tehn told me to go because she was getting sore. After a while of working her on top we rolled and I pounded her quick and came. Then we took a quick shower to clean up.
The next day I told her that from now on Saturday nights will be our night for intamacy. No more company over late to interfere. When the kids go to bed, they have to leave.
The following two saturdays she shot me down. First was "I'm too tired" and the second was "I have a headache." This last saturday we did have sex but not without her complaining about being tired again, even though I know she slept in all day. So far this is twice in one month's time so things maaaaay be on the up, but it's far too soon to tell and given history, isn't going to last.
Outlets are good to have--which is why I think that therapy would do wonders for you. Look, the simple fact is that having sex once a year and continuously denying your spouse sexual satisfaction is not healthy. Use the internet and the library--do you know how many doctors, therapists, psychologists, counselors, and just every day people will back you up on this? Of course she's going to roll her eyes over a poll that you found on an adult website--we're pretty much all sex-positive, and curious and adventurous enough to try out sex toys, sexy lingerie, books about sexual techniques, erotica, etc. But you have actual scientific studies about how marriages remain happy and healthy--and sexual intimacy is definitely up there. She may be practically asexual--but unless she lives under a rock or is in extreme denial about how people function, she's got to know deep down that her sexual responses, and how they relate to the man she married, are not typical. You describe her having several orgasms in one session, and it sounds like you guys had a good time--so I'm going to have to assume that there's nothing physically that killing her sex drive, unless it's hormonal. So there's got to be something else.
A couple of years ago, I watched a couple I was close with fall apart--a 15 year marriage, with three kids, and a nice home, nice careers...and both of them came to me at times to discuss their issues with the other one individually. You know what two main factors led to their failed marriage? One was lack of effective communication. If your wife starts talking about a squirrel she sees out the window while you're trying to come onto her, why do you let her get away with it? I don't mean, why don't you argue with her, but you have to let her know that you are unhappy, that you're clearly (and understandably) hurt by her rejection of you, and you want to know what the issue is, and how you can work together to come to some sort of agreement that you can both be happy with. You can't just let it go. This is where counseling will come in handy, because having an objective, neutral party listen to the issues that you two have will shed light on aspects of the relationship that may very well relate to your sexual issues, in ways that you never thought of before. But you HAVE TO make it clear that you are unhappy with the situation and that it is unacceptable. She will have to work with you on this, because she's your wife. You two work as a unit in your relationship, and one of you working on it while the other denies there is a problem is not going to cut it. When you guys agreed to marry each other, you implicitly agreed to love and support one another--if one of you is unhappy, both of you have a problem.
The other issue the couple had was sex--total sexual incompatibility, frustration, and resentment. And the one who was not satisfied had an affair, because the other one did not take the frustration and lack of needs being met seriously in that regard. She was shocked when she found out. I was shocked she hadn't suspected it for months--everyone else did.
But she also had issues with him in the marriage that made her really not inclined to have much of an urge to have sex with him--he didn't help out around the house or with the kids enough, she was always exhausted because of that, he could come off as insensitive, and uncaring--not too surprisingly, at the end of the day, she really did not want to have sex with him. Why would she? I'm not saying that this is mirroring your situation necessarily, but do you help out with the kids? Is she under a lot of stress and pressure? Does she have a job that is tiring? Do you help out around the house? You may not think that would play a big role in marital happiness and sexual harmony, but it really does. Few women can work, raise children, keep the house from falling into chaos, run errands, and then be up for a good romp in the sack at the end of the day. Help with these things, if they apply to you guys, could possibly do wonders for her mood to go to bed with you.
But it could be other things, too. The point is, there is a lot you can get from therapy that you can't get on your own, because you don't necessarily see the root cause of the problem--you just see the problem. But if you're willing to make schemes to doctor her underwear in the hopes that it will make her more desirous of sex, then why not put forth the effort to see a counselor? And if she won't go, you should at least go. It's better than resorting to desperation pranks.