Advice on quickie sex to spice up our marriage

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Advice on quickie sex to spice up our marriage

ridgeley ridgeley
Hi-

My wife constantly feels like I'm pressuring her to have sex. We've been married a long time and I am definitely the high desire partner in our relationship. I've told her that I would really like to spice things up, especially now that we're in our 40s and the kids are teenagers. I'd also like to make love an average of twice a week. She has tried hard to spice things up and we have a great time, but it only happens about once every 3 months. I do really appreciate and thank her for that.

I give her great foreplay (full body, and sometimes hot stone massages etc with oil and candles), which usually isn't reciprocated as much, but that's okay. I know that she is attracted to me (I stay in great shape) and I am incredibly attracted to her, to the point I get excited just by looking at her. That's a good and a bad thing if you're the high desire partner!!

We had another bad argument last night about the pressure she feels. We slept in separate rooms and neither of us got any sleep. This nasty arguing repeats constantly.

I've had some time to think today as she has been away, and it seems to me that I could be more satisfied if she would give me hand/blowjobs or even quickie sex where I orgasm quickly. That way I can be satisfied sexually and she can get what she wants: her body to be left alone when she's too stressed out and not in the mood. Once I come (quickly as in quickie sex), we can fall asleep in each other's arms which I know she loves to do.

One problem I have is that she needs coaching in hand and blow jobs. Also, maybe a toy or two would help. Do you have any suggestions on where we could both learn some better techniques and buy some good props? Any other tips/suggestions?

Thanks.
09/25/2010
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Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by ridgeley
Hi-

My wife constantly feels like I'm pressuring her to have sex. We've been married a long time and I am definitely the high desire partner in our relationship. I've told her that I would really like to spice things up, ...
Hmm, have you told her that she needs "coaching" in hand and blow jobs? If so did you put it like that? If you have then maybe she is feeling inadequate and doesn't want to have sex because of it. I know I personally would be mortified if my husband said I needed coaching. Tips are fine and it's great to give feedback about what works and what doesn't...but I think subtly is key for a lot of people.

Also, if your wife is not in the mood and wants her body left alone I'm not sure it's fair for her to have to give you a hand job or blow job because you're in the mood. Maybe if you handle it yourself if she's not in the mood she wouldn't feel such pressure. If she's not in the mood to be touched chances are she's not in the mood to service you either. I know that if I am stressed out the last thing I want to do is go give my husband a blow job or hand job.... I mean your idea seems focused solely on your getting off and little with her needs. I understand that you give her massages, and that's awesome..but if she's not in the mood for sex she's not in the mood for sex.

There could multiple reasons why she only wants sex every few months, seeing a doctor might help her figure it out..if she sees it as a problem or if this is something new and not like her. If not maybe a counselor for the two of you might be good so that you can understand where she's coming from and she can understand where you are coming from.

There's plenty of toys that could be helpful. Maybe a fleshlight or something similar for you and if she's interested maybe a small vibe or something that could help get her in the mood or help her to enjoy sex more.
09/25/2010
ridgeley ridgeley
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
Hmm, have you told her that she needs "coaching" in hand and blow jobs? If so did you put it like that? If you have then maybe she is feeling inadequate and doesn't want to have sex because of it. I know I personally would be ...
Hi Alicia-

Thanks for your answer. I haven't given her any feedback on needing coaching. I certainly wouldn't put it that way if I did. If you were her, how would you best receive a suggestion?

I constantly praise her about how great she is in bed. I've told her that I just want some more variety and more frequency. We have been to see a sex therapist and she called it off after about 3 months. She said it wasn't doing any good; it wasn't going to change anything. So, that leaves us in a precarious place.

It seems to me that if we're in a monogamous relationship, we have to find a common ground. The low desire partner has complete control over the relationship. I am trying to be as open and supportive as I can. The truth of the matter is: I need more in this area from my partner. I guess the alternative is that I leave the relationship and find a partner who desires to be more sexual.

She doesn't like me (or her) to use vibrators or other toys. She doesn't masturbate either.

Any more thoughts?

Thanks.
09/25/2010
Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by ridgeley
Hi Alicia-

Thanks for your answer. I haven't given her any feedback on needing coaching. I certainly wouldn't put it that way if I did. If you were her, how would you best receive a suggestion?

I constantly praise her about ...
I don't know, I think a lot of it depends on what is causing her to not desire sex. Has she always had such a low sex drive? If so, then I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect her to be able to just kick it up a notch. If she used to have a higher sex drive and it has just suddenly dropped then something is wrong somewhere. Either it's something emotional or something physical/medical..perh aps something hormonal? That's something she's going to have to work out though.

If she doesn't like the use of toys too it sounds like maybe it's an emotional block somewhere. Does she have a reason why she doesn't like you to use toys? I can understand if she chooses to not want to use them herself, but what is her reasoning for you not being able to use them?

I honestly don't know but I think that if I was in this situation I'd be heart broken if my husband decided that I either needed to put out more or he was going to leave me. Marriage is so much more than just a sex life. However, I'd also not complain if my husband wanted to get some toys for himself. I'm curious if she doesn't want to use toys why you asked for ideas on toys to try in your original post..

As for how to approach the technique of hand jobs or blow jobs..it all depends on the person. You have to figure out what kind of critiquing they handle best and then learn to go about it that way. For example my husband can tell me anything but I'd rather it be right when it happens. If something feels good..tell me then, if it doesn't..tell me that right then too. I'd rather not hear after the fact "hey when you were doing that it kind of hurt.." or "I couldn't really feel much when you...". I also would love for him to be like do this, now do this..do this harder, do this softer, etc. The idea of him telling me what to do turns me on. But it wouldn't turn him on at all. Now him on the other hand I have to tell him later on if it's something that he was doing that I didn't especially like. While we're in the moment I have to be very sensitive to his feelings and I use more body language and he can get the hint on his own and that way there is no hurt feelings because it's him figuring it out, not me telling him what to do. It's the same for good things with us...if something is good I will sometimes verbally say it's good but usually I'm just more vocal and so he gets the hint..then if he stops doing what was good I'll quiet down and when he doesn't hear me being as responsive he knows that he's not hitting it.. kind of like that game "hot or cold". So really it all depends on the person and the communication style of the couple.

In the end though I really think that her issue is more serious than something that a quickie or her servicing you is going to fix. Honestly it sounds like maybe there is more issues in the marriage than just that too, if you're to the point that if you don't get more sex you're thinking about leaving the relationship..that's dangerous grounds and maybe she's picking up on that and it could be psyching her out of wanting sex.
09/25/2010
HappyAsEver HappyAsEver
I too was in a similar boat. My wife and I had been together for a long time and our sex lives had gone flat if any at all. I too have the higher drive then she and obviously had got frustrated often at our situation. Am I not attractive to her anymore? Is this how it's gonna be from now on? How can she say she still feels the same about me when it isn't shown sexually??? I tried all the standard things... Be extra sweet/Increase romance/gifts/ and when all failed I turned to pissiness or even guilt(not proud, but guys do what guys do). One day I was reading internet threads about sexless marriages and came across a guy who had started paying his wife for sex! He suggested to her that he would be more giving financially if she were more giving sexually...and she really took to it. I thought about this for awhile and wondered if my wife would go for this and would it spice things up??? So, one day when we were in a semi-flirty conversation...I suggested being more financially giving if things spiced up (Lets face it...we pay anyways). Well she liked it...ALOT!!! It started out as a little game, but now has really saved our marriage. We have sex all the time (you name it and I get it..Often)! Eventually I made a price list with me obviously paying more for things I really like I don't pay for everything and specifics will have to be up to you. She says that knowing that I want her so much I would pay actually helped boost her self-esteem which leads to a much better sex-life. This isn't damaging at all to our relationship, and to be honest Im to damn happy to care what anyone else thinks!!! Just a suggestion, but good luck!!
11/11/2010
ScottA ScottA
Instead of offering to pay (which might really turn her off, because of the connotations with prostitution) try to figure out why. Is she on hormonal birth control (this can sometimes lower desire), could it be something to do with menopause, could she be mentally looking on sex as something "dirty" that she "has" to do? Does she orgasm during sex (including foreplay)?

She might just not be interested in sex, in which case I'm not sure how you should approach it, but looking for the reasons and trying to understand where she's coming from will help you as a couple no matter what the outcome is.

It sounds like you're trying to make sure to do things to show her you care (good), but make sure that what you're doing syncs up with what she would like to see from someone trying to show her that he cares.
11/11/2010
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Well - I may as well throw in my 2 cents. Like you guys, I'm happily married and was labeled as "over-sexed". Tried all the usual stuff - with limited effect - just the usual "Is that all you ever want?" dialog.

Never tried the bribery routine - she already has 100% of the money - so no leverage there.

Then all of the sudden things changed - sex became more frequent and adventurous! Needless to say I was pleased - but didn't want to rock the boat by asking "what changed?" But finally I did. Her response was that she thought about it and decided to "go with the flow".

Later on she confided that after listening to her friends complain the lack of sex and unsatisfying sex at that, she "woke up" to see how good she has it!

The interesting thing about sex - especially orgasmic sex is that you can get chemically dependent on the oxcytocin and endorphins - so the more we have sex - the more she wants to have sex! Since she's 11 younger than me - now I have to work pretty hard to keep up - just the problem I've always dreamed off!

We integrate a lot of dildos and vibes into our sex-play - it's the sure fire way to give her g-spot, a-spot and blended orgasms. My girl has gone from one-and-done to multi-orgasmic in a big way. Once we learned the blended orgasm - then we got her "gushing". This level of satisfaction is what drives her desire - it's just toooooooo much fun!
11/11/2010
CollegeHottie CollegeHottie
My best friends are married and they definitely needed some spicing up in the bedroom..So after a few drinks one night, the three of us had some fun..I love sex with men and women but at the same time was super hot..They both have great bodies and we really got naughty...We have gotten together twice since then and their marriage is definitely hotter! I am single and definitely over-sexed!
11/11/2010
Kaltir Kaltir
If she needs "coaching", don't tell her that. A great way to get your point across is to be vocal when she does something right. If she does something you enjoy, tell her you love the way she does that, or you like the way it feels. That could help boost her confidence in the bedroom also. I know my favorite thing in the bedroom is just knowing how much my husband loves the things I do. Suggesting toys or coaching too bluntly might just make her less likely to want to do anything.
02/07/2011
Total posts: 9
Unique posters: 7