Any Suggestions?

Stillmore2learn Stillmore2learn
Hello All! New to the forum and this is my first post. I have been "lurking" as a non-member for a few weeks and have been really impressed by all of the open-minded and wise / experienced people that post here, and I am hoping that I might get some similarly good advice.

In a nutshell, I am a 40 something year old male, married to a wonderful lady for over 16 years. We've been together for over 18 years, and I was (happily) her first. We have been sexually active for most of that time and, currently, I get "it" more often (from what I surmise) than many guys I know, so I am not complaining about the frequency. My query concerns, more or less, the "degree" of intimacy we achieve.

Specifically - I'm much more adventurous in the sack. I enjoy, and willingly provide, oral, genital, and anal stimulation, outside of providing mere intercourse. I take pleasure in, and enjoy, foreplay, and within the last year have really gotten into rimming - an activity that, based on the response I've gotten, has proven quite pleasureable for my wife. I've even gone so far as to "clean" her up afterwards as both a way to add additional pleasure to our lovemaking, as well as to demonstrate the degree of intimacy I feel with her. Problem is, that I don't feel reciprocated. My wife is pretty much a straight - forward intercourse type of lady. She uses a vibrator during our sessions and I do know for a fact that she gets "her's" (mostly multiple) each time. There are only four or so positions that she likes, and oral sex, when I receive it, is awkward, tense and pretty much just up to the point of my orgasm, at which time she pulls away and finishes me with her hands. She is totally averse to oral sex, bodily fluids, deep throating, etc. She won't even kiss me in return - once I have gone "down" on her, that's the end of the kissing until I clean up.

So, has anyone else been where I am? Anybody else been with, or is with, a partner that's completely averse to anything other than straight sex? I can't help but think that her unwillingess to "fully" engage in all aspects of sex isn't a sign that she does not fully accept me. Her fluids, my fluids, our fluids, are completely off limits to her. Anyone see any middle ground or have any suggestions? Thanks in advance, and sorry for the length of the post, as well as the explicitness.
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- Kira - - Kira -
I have been in this situation before with a few partners. I think there's just a number of people out there that are into "vanilla" sex. Perhaps some of them didn't click with me and that was part of the reason why they weren't willing to explore a bit more. Some of them I know were really crazy about me, just not into that sort of thing. They put their best efforts into it, but it came out with a similar result as what you describe. You could tell they weren't really into it and it's tense and awkward. It pretty much ruins the whole experience if someone isn't really fully into it.

I'll give you a few examples that may make you feel a little better. I'm a pretty kinky person. My husband and I are into BDSM, pegging, and do a number of other non-vanilla activities. I generally won't kiss him after he goes down on me. I've licked his fingers before after he's fingered me because I know it turns him on, but in general I'm just not a fan of tasting my own fluids. Unless I feel like the situation really warrants it, I'll steer clear of my own juices.

I also once was friends with this girl that had an almost phobia like issue with fluids of any kind. She's probably still a virgin to this day because of it. The mere thought of cum or sweat or anything like that would send her into a tizzy. Your wife doesn't sound like she's at that level, but it may be that she's just not into bodily fluids in general.

I may be off base and maybe there is a more serious issue. However, if you've been married this long and your wife is having sex with you on a regular basis and it's generally good aside from being a bit vanilla, I'm thinking it's just that she's probably a vanilla type of girl.

My general bit of advice is that if it's something that's very bothersome to you that you seek out some type of couple's counseling or sex counseling to see if that helps. If you don't think it's quite that big of an issue, maybe just sit her down and talk with her. Ask her why it is that she doesn't like to do those things and make sure you ask in a non-threatening way. Really listen to what she has to say. It may be that she's just not into them or it may be that she's nervous about it or whatever. Depending on what her answer is, ask if there's anything you can do to help her want to do those things more as it's something that you really enjoy.

If she says no, I would recommend not pushing the issue. You have a long term relationship that I gather from your post is good otherwise. Pushing sexual issues is a quick way to cause resentment. It's one thing to have an open discussion about how to explore sexuality. It's a completely different thing to make someone feel like they have to cave to another person's wishes to keep them sexually satisfied. Make sure you keep it in the "open forum" end of things.
Stillmore2learn Stillmore2learn
Originally posted by - Kira -
I have been in this situation before with a few partners. I think there's just a number of people out there that are into "vanilla" sex. Perhaps some of them didn't click with me and that was part of the reason why they ...
Clear - thanks for your assessment. Don't know whether the "issue" rises to the level of being something we'd head to a counselor for, and we've spoken about it non-threateningly a time or three. She's even read the posts of others that have had attitudes similar to hers, but no dice. I guess, in the end, I am hoping that she will loosen up (no pun intended) her attitude about the extracurricular activities and simply learn to relax more. We're both committed to the relationship - I'd just like to see the pendulum swing a little closer to the middle. Thanks again!
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