Do you ever question your spouse's love for you?

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Do you ever question your spouse's love for you?

bayosgirl bayosgirl
Sometimes I wonder.. Not because he flirts with other women or anything like that--it's not his nature to be anything but faithful. Just the circumstances in which we met, dated, and married are what I'm not happy about. It isn't what I envisioned for myself since I was a little girl.. particularly the rushed "wedding"-I can't call it a wedding with a straight face-but anyways. Yes, I know I consented to it and I could've said "let's wait". Too late now.

Then there's his yelling. He's NOT a violent person in any way, has never raised his hand on me, but he does tend to raise his voice even when he's not angry. I've told him countless times that it bothers me, but he hasn't changed. It's the little things that he yells about... leaves me dumbfounded.

But yet he can be immensely caring, and I wonder if he means it when he says that when he gets a better paying job (we're waiting for his immigration papers so he can be legal) he wants to save up for a wedding and honeymoon. Because of his support and encouragement, I went from being practically stupefied in my depression-laying in bed for days at a time-to now working nearly 30 hours a week and building a substantial savings (which is all mine, mind you-I keep a separate account and he has never tried to get me to "hand over" my money or share an account with him.)

I literally go back and forth--one part of me believes he really loves me, and I have to confess, another part wonders if he's making up this grand lie so that he can get his papers, and then dump me using my emotional swings and depression as the perfect excuse. The problem is, I can't trust my feelings. At times I feel like NO ONE cares about me.. not even my own dad. :-(

We had a couple sessions with a counselor at our church several months ago, and from talking to us, she told me "He really loves you. I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice when he talks about you." Other people have commented the same thing. So, I really don't know. Sorry to make this so long. Just reflecting on what has been on my mind lately. And I'm wondering if anyone else feels the same way sometimes.
04/28/2012
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js250 js250
I feel the same way sometimes. But I also know that I spend a lot of my time looking for the small things and taking them personally. It is hard to trust happiness to last, so some of us look for the other shoe to drop and sometimes we make our own signs and signals. We can take what our SO said or did or left out or....and start a little thought. That grows and becomes doubt in their love, attentions, faithfulness, etc.

Take each day separately. Do not look for little things that will make you doubt, look for the positives that make you know you are loved. He raises his voice, is this cultural? Why does it bother you now...not before? Why should he change that, if it is part of who he is?

There are small issues with any couple, not many couples usually get together and have the relationship/marriage of their dreams. That is why it is called a dream. You need to make it last in reality. I am not trying to be mean, but in writing this I am also clarifying this to myself. I am a romantic in a realistic world and it can suck. While I sit around waiting for him to do something to make me know he doesn't love me, life that could have been better spent being happy is passing me by. I wish there was a magical cure for that, but there isn't. Just take things one happy step at a time, and appreciate what you have....not everyone finds someone to share their lives with. It takes work and time...even after 16 years.

I wish you luck and if you need someone to talk to, message me. I can try to help you while helping myself with this issue.
04/28/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
I'm sorry you are going through this.

I do question the "therapy" you are getting. A real APA certified Psychologist, who has a Master's or PhD in Psychology and counseling training would NEVER say something like: "He really loves you. I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice when he talks about you." This is Agenda Based, HER emotional attached OPINION, NOT Therapy that benefits YOU.

That is TOO subjective. Therapists are supposed to be objective and not actually use their own feelings to help you figure out yours. This "therapist" sounds like she has an agenda, my guess would be it's "keeping you married." THAT isn't what a good therapist does, a good therapist lets YOU decide what is right for you by guiding you and helping you learn appropriate emotions and how to deal with your emotions and your life. A good therapist doesn't have his or her own agenda for YOUR life.

My suggestion would be to find a good APA Board Certified Psychologist, with either a Phd or PsyD in Psychology and Counseling.

I have to be honest, churches are one of the worst places to go to get healthy emotional therapy. There is ALWAYS an agenda. And in therapy, the ONLY agenda should be helping YOU (the patient) get better. Nothing else.

Please find a good psychologist who has no agenda other than to do the job she was hired by YOU to do.
04/28/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
As to answer your own question, when I was in therapy (with a real APA Board Certified PhD Psychologist) and I asked her a similar question, she didn't answer it. How would she know? Even if she had met my husband.

My Homework was to bring her examples of the way he |behaved and whether I saw and how I interpreted these actions and words as loving or not. I did. She let me come to my own conclusions. She NEVER in all my therapy ever TOLD me what to do, what to think, or what she "thought" other people were thinking.

I was taught and helped to reach my own conclusions, (not told what she wanted to say) as my therapist had no other agenda other than to help me become more healthy.
04/28/2012
Illusional Illusional
It is, in my fact my deepest fear. I am meek by nature, and my boyfriend and I are both a little too meek probably.
He and I have been dating for over 4 years, and he has yet to tell his parents he is in an interracial relationship. I've often felt like the mistress..
I've had to duck and hide, never been invited to his home, lie to his dad's face when he asked questions about me.
He still hasn't met MY parents.. also we are not friends on FB... so it always appears I'm single..
I just moved back to Texas to really focus on me, or try to. I miss him badly, and we're doing long distance ONCE again.. but it creeps into my head.


Personality wise, I like a lot of childish things. I like to be silly, I like to just play DDR and such. He makes comments that make me very nervous about myself, or anything. Like, how he likes petite, delicate, feminine women.
I'm 5'11, not very delicate, I'm girlying up now but in my own slow way but I'd still prefer to sit in blue jeans and trashtalk with my friends.
His porn is all of, 5'5 blonde blue eyed women and it makes me so nervous and anxious.. cause of his family's racist ideals..
I try to express these fears and worries, and he just brushes me off or says something basic like "aww, you know I love you" or something
Sigh.
04/28/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Illusional
It is, in my fact my deepest fear. I am meek by nature, and my boyfriend and I are both a little too meek probably.
He and I have been dating for over 4 years, and he has yet to tell his parents he is in an interracial relationship. I've often ...
I think we all feel less than perfect once in a while. I can say, after more than 20 years in my relationship with My Man (and this does NOT make me an expert on anyone else's relationship) that how he treats you, how you treat him and whether or not the two of you enjoy each other's company most of the time is the most important thing. Nessa, this is for you, and bayosgirl and js.

I no longer spend a lot of time thinking about how he feels, but I've been doing this (the relationship) for decades, he's still here, and so am I. I guess we were on to something. You can overthink it. Then again, if you feel something is wrong (and you aren't being oversensitive, something concrete made you feel insecure in his love) then perhaps things need to be discussed.... but as a rule, men HATE "discussing our relationship." (In fact, My Man makes jokes about it. When we have nothing to do and are sitting around together, he'll turn to me and say, "Do you want to discuss the Relationship now?" Then he laughs. I find men tend to only want to talk about it right when something comes to a head. I think it's just the way they think.

I don't really have any answers, but getting good, qualified help, when one is feeling really vulnerable or scared or insecure, is always a good idea.


to all
04/28/2012
Illusional Illusional
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
I think we all feel less than perfect once in a while. I can say, after more than 20 years in my relationship with My Man (and this does NOT make me an expert on anyone else's relationship) that how he treats you, how you treat him and whether or ...

Thanks!
I try not to bug him with it right now. If I'm feeling sad or worrisome, I work out or try to do something constructive. Right now, things are trying to build together. Looking for a job, trying to pass this difficult exam, and such... and I feel really down and out on myself.. so I think it's just life right now that's wearing me out..
04/28/2012
Mamastoys Mamastoys
When I was younger I sometimes wondered but never really doubted him..as we have gotten older, I have no worries. We have been married for 28 years and are in love with each other as much if not more than we got married! We have been through so much together-both good and bad- that we have grown closer. Since our parents are all gone (except for one) and our kids are grown and left home, we have more time together and more time to discuss any issues we have come up. Good luck!!
04/28/2012
Cwhitten006 Cwhitten006
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
Sometimes I wonder.. Not because he flirts with other women or anything like that--it's not his nature to be anything but faithful. Just the circumstances in which we met, dated, and married are what I'm not happy about. It isn't what I ...
I too have found myself wondering whether or not my husband truly loves me. We started dating young, and when I was much smaller (I was 15 and he was 16), now (age 27 and age 28) we have four amazing kids and I am a stay at home mom that now weighs 220 when I use to weigh 130. I wonder if sometimes he says he loves me just because he is use to saying it, out of habit, or if he is still with me because we have kids. Other times, I really feel the love he feels for me, but that isn't very often. Even our sex life has fell dramatically. Now it has become nothing more than the action of him getting his. He doesn't like having sex with me, he wants oral done on him all the time. I has become the only way I get sex is by taking turns. He gets his dick sucked and then next time any sexual action takes place it is me getting dick and then it is his turn again. Even when I get sex it is "ok bend over" there is no foreplay or touching at all. I get into position and we have sex, until he gets his. I have never had an orgasm with during sex or oral sex with him, only solo. I try to talk to him about what I need and want but it doesn't seem to matter, when it comes to sexual needs. Advice about any of the above??
04/29/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Cwhitten006
I too have found myself wondering whether or not my husband truly loves me. We started dating young, and when I was much smaller (I was 15 and he was 16), now (age 27 and age 28) we have four amazing kids and I am a stay at home mom that now weighs ...
I am SO sorry that your husband treats you this way. No spouse should ever be made to feel unattractive or embarrassed about their body. I won't say this means he "doesn't love you" - there is no way I could know that- but it is certainly a sign of disrespect. Does he seem embarrassed to be with you in public, or is it just in the bedroom? Either way, that is completely unacceptable. I cant imagine the pain of being in that kind of marriage. Sorry.
04/30/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
I'm sorry you are going through this.

I do question the "therapy" you are getting. A real APA certified Psychologist, who has a Master's or PhD in Psychology and counseling training would NEVER say something like: "He ...
I agree, I think her objective is to keep everyone married unless there is abuse involved-because the Bible condemns divorce.

For $60 a session, I should be getting good therapy from someone who truly listens to me. Ok, another therapist would probably be much more, and that's one reason I'm not pursuing it.. lol. But still. She calls herself a professional and therefore shouldn't be so subjective.
04/30/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Cwhitten006
I too have found myself wondering whether or not my husband truly loves me. We started dating young, and when I was much smaller (I was 15 and he was 16), now (age 27 and age 28) we have four amazing kids and I am a stay at home mom that now weighs ...
That's terrible! Did he behave in this selfish manner while you had sex before you were married? Or has he always been selfish?

NO ONE should be treated this way. Ever.

You did ask for advice. My advice is to seek therapy from a Board Certified Psychologist. Your husband may or may not want to engage in therapy. YOU getting the help alone could still be immeasurably helpful.

When I first got into therapy, many years ago, My Man did not want to go. I went alone and learned ways to be more assertive (we weren't having sexual problems, but were having problems getting along and adapting to two children in short time) It helped a lot, I got my severe depression treated, and also worked out some abuse I had suffered as a child.

Get help and get it from someone who is well trained (I prefer a PhD or PsyD, nothing less for good therapy) and who works with women and their issues.

Hoping "he'll change" will change nothing. Only DOING something about the issue (even if it isn't your fault alone) will help you heal.

Good therapy is a LOT of work. It's heart wrenching work. Good therapists GUIDE you, but let YOU do the work yourself.

Please, get some good help from someone who is trained and Board Cerrified and you take your therapy seriously and work HARD I would pretty much guarantee it will help you learn to deal with the issue in a constructive way. But, you have to want the help and have to participate. Wishing never made problems go away.

Hoping and wishing never solved a single problem. Also, they don't go away on their own or if you ignore them. You have to take action, don't wait for him to; he sees nothing wrong with the way he treats you.

Good luck. I find if you look into getting therapy immediately, not put it off, you'll get help sooner and get better and learn to deal with the issues, whatever that takes for you, sooner.

Good luck.
04/30/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
I agree, I think her objective is to keep everyone married unless there is abuse involved-because the Bible condemns divorce.

For $60 a session, I should be getting good therapy from someone who truly listens to me. Ok, another therapist ...
Find somebody else for a therapist, honey. Don't worry, the Old Testament actually condoned divorce, and in some cases, people don't have a choice. Either that or live their entire lives in misery, because people that are hurting them have NO reason to change and may not want to or know how to change.

Remember, verbal and emotional abuse is JUST as damaging to a relationship and to the people in it as hitting is. A spouse doesn't have to take a swing at you to be abusive.

That's certainly not to say that divorce may be the only solution, finding out what you need to thrive and grow and what your husband's actual agenda himself actually is is certainly in order. You may not know what HIS agenda is, but YOU can learn to be more happy and speak up for yourself. Also, being screamed at is NOT conducive to a healthy relationship, nor to your health. A good therapist objective will help you find your way.

A good Board Certified Psychologist who is not affiliated with a Church and has NO agenda except to HELP you learn to work your life adequately will be the best thing for you.

Blessings and Good Luck, Honey.

I must say, I was stunned to find out this woman (whom I doubt has a PhD nor a PsyD in Psychology and Counseling nor is Board Certified) is taking money for this slanted, biased non-therapy. Aren't those people supposed to do that ill advised kind of "therapy" out of the goodness of their faith based hearts? I'm just.... stunned that she charged you for her opinion, and did nothing to help YOU as a person. I'd be livid, if I were you.

Oh, honey.....
04/30/2012
Cwhitten006 Cwhitten006
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
That's terrible! Did he behave in this selfish manner while you had sex before you were married? Or has he always been selfish?

NO ONE should be treated this way. Ever.

You did ask for advice. My advice is to seek therapy from a ...
In the beginning he wasn't like this at all. It was mutual, he always made sure sex was enjoyable for the both of us, and me the same. Even right after marriage he still made it enjoyable for the both of us, it wasn't until I had my daughter (second child) that he started showing signs of how he is now. Then once I had my twin boys, he is how he is now. I really think my weight is the problem. When I was smaller there was no problem.
04/30/2012
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