Do you ever question your spouse's love for you?

It is, in my fact my deepest fear. I am meek by nature, and my boyfriend and I are both a little too meek probably.
He and I have been dating for over 4 years, and he has yet to tell his parents he is in an interracial relationship. I've often felt like the mistress..
I've had to duck and hide, never been invited to his home, lie to his dad's face when he asked questions about me.
He still hasn't met MY parents.. also we are not friends on FB... so it always appears I'm single..
I just moved back to Texas to really focus on me, or try to. I miss him badly, and we're doing long distance ONCE again.. but it creeps into my head.


Personality wise, I like a lot of childish things. I like to be silly, I like to just play DDR and such. He makes comments that make me very nervous about myself, or anything. Like, how he likes petite, delicate, feminine women.
I'm 5'11, not very delicate, I'm girlying up now but in my own slow way but I'd still prefer to sit in blue jeans and trashtalk with my friends.
His porn is all of, 5'5 blonde blue eyed women and it makes me so nervous and anxious.. cause of his family's racist ideals..
I try to express these fears and worries, and he just brushes me off or says something basic like "aww, you know I love you" or something
Sigh. less

I think we all feel less than perfect once in a while. I can say, after more than 20 years in my relationship with My Man (and this does NOT make me an expert on anyone else's relationship) that how he treats you, how you treat him and whether or not the two of you enjoy each other's company most of the time is the most important thing. Nessa, this is for you, and bayosgirl and js.

I no longer spend a lot of time thinking about how he feels, but I've been doing this (the relationship) for decades, he's still here, and so am I. I guess we were on to something. You can overthink it. Then again, if you feel something is wrong (and you aren't being oversensitive, something concrete made you feel insecure in his love) then perhaps things need to be discussed.... but as a rule, men HATE "discussing our relationship." (In fact, My Man makes jokes about it. When we have nothing to do and are sitting around together, he'll turn to me and say, "Do you want to discuss the Relationship now?" Then he laughs. I find men tend to only want to talk about it right when something comes to a head. I think it's just the way they think.

I don't really have any answers, but getting good, qualified help, when one is feeling really vulnerable or scared or insecure, is always a good idea.


to all less

Sometimes I wonder.. Not because he flirts with other women or anything like that--it's not his nature to be anything but faithful. Just the circumstances in which we met, dated, and married are what I'm not happy about. It isn't what I envisioned for myself since I was a little girl.. particularly the rushed "wedding"-I can't call it a wedding with a straight face-but anyways. Yes, I know I consented to it and I could've said "let's wait". Too late now.

Then there's his yelling. He's NOT a violent person in any way, has never raised his hand on me, but he does tend to raise his voice even when he's not angry. I've told him countless times that it bothers me, but he hasn't changed. It's the little things that he yells about... leaves me dumbfounded.

But yet he can be immensely caring, and I wonder if he means it when he says that when he gets a better paying job (we're waiting for his immigration papers so he can be legal) he wants to save up for a wedding and honeymoon. Because of his support and encouragement, I went from being practically stupefied in my depression-laying in bed for days at a time-to now working nearly 30 hours a week and building a substantial savings (which is all mine, mind you-I keep a separate account and he has never tried to get me to "hand over" my money or share an account with him.)

I literally go back and forth--one part of me believes he really loves me, and I have to confess, another part wonders if he's making up this grand lie so that he can get his papers, and then dump me using my emotional swings and depression as the perfect excuse. The problem is, I can't trust my feelings. At times I feel like NO ONE cares about me.. not even my own dad. :-(

We had a couple sessions with a counselor at our church several months ago, and from talking to us, she told me "He really loves you. I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice when he talks about you." Other people have commented the same thing. So, I really don't know. Sorry to make this so long. Just reflecting on what has been on my mind lately. And I'm wondering if anyone else feels the same way sometimes. less

I too have found myself wondering whether or not my husband truly loves me. We started dating young, and when I was much smaller (I was 15 and he was 16), now (age 27 and age 28) we have four amazing kids and I am a stay at home mom that now weighs 220 when I use to weigh 130. I wonder if sometimes he says he loves me just because he is use to saying it, out of habit, or if he is still with me because we have kids. Other times, I really feel the love he feels for me, but that isn't very often. Even our sex life has fell dramatically. Now it has become nothing more than the action of him getting his. He doesn't like having sex with me, he wants oral done on him all the time. I has become the only way I get sex is by taking turns. He gets his dick sucked and then next time any sexual action takes place it is me getting dick and then it is his turn again. Even when I get sex it is "ok bend over" there is no foreplay or touching at all. I get into position and we have sex, until he gets his. I have never had an orgasm with during sex or oral sex with him, only solo. I try to talk to him about what I need and want but it doesn't seem to matter, when it comes to sexual needs. Advice about any of the above?? less

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I do question the "therapy" you are getting. A real APA certified Psychologist, who has a Master's or PhD in Psychology and counseling training would NEVER say something like: "He really loves you. I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice when he talks about you." This is Agenda Based, HER emotional attached OPINION, NOT Therapy that benefits YOU.

That is TOO subjective. Therapists are supposed to be objective and not actually use their own feelings to help you figure out yours. This "therapist" sounds like she has an agenda, my guess would be it's "keeping you married." THAT isn't what a good therapist does, a good therapist lets YOU decide what is right for you by guiding you and helping you learn appropriate emotions and how to deal with your emotions and your life. A good therapist doesn't have his or her own agenda for YOUR life.

My suggestion would be to find a good APA Board Certified Psychologist, with either a Phd or PsyD in Psychology and Counseling.

I have to be honest, churches are one of the worst places to go to get healthy emotional therapy. There is ALWAYS an agenda. And in therapy, the ONLY agenda should be helping YOU (the patient) get better. Nothing else.

Please find a good psychologist who has no agenda other than to do the job she was hired by YOU to do. less

I too have found myself wondering whether or not my husband truly loves me. We started dating young, and when I was much smaller (I was 15 and he was 16), now (age 27 and age 28) we have four amazing kids and I am a stay at home mom that now weighs 220 when I use to weigh 130. I wonder if sometimes he says he loves me just because he is use to saying it, out of habit, or if he is still with me because we have kids. Other times, I really feel the love he feels for me, but that isn't very often. Even our sex life has fell dramatically. Now it has become nothing more than the action of him getting his. He doesn't like having sex with me, he wants oral done on him all the time. I has become the only way I get sex is by taking turns. He gets his dick sucked and then next time any sexual action takes place it is me getting dick and then it is his turn again. Even when I get sex it is "ok bend over" there is no foreplay or touching at all. I get into position and we have sex, until he gets his. I have never had an orgasm with during sex or oral sex with him, only solo. I try to talk to him about what I need and want but it doesn't seem to matter, when it comes to sexual needs. Advice about any of the above?? less

That's terrible! Did he behave in this selfish manner while you had sex before you were married? Or has he always been selfish?

NO ONE should be treated this way. Ever.

You did ask for advice. My advice is to seek therapy from a Board Certified Psychologist. Your husband may or may not want to engage in therapy. YOU getting the help alone could still be immeasurably helpful.

When I first got into therapy, many years ago, My Man did not want to go. I went alone and learned ways to be more assertive (we weren't having sexual problems, but were having problems getting along and adapting to two children in short time) It helped a lot, I got my severe depression treated, and also worked out some abuse I had suffered as a child.

Get help and get it from someone who is well trained (I prefer a PhD or PsyD, nothing less for good therapy) and who works with women and their issues.

Hoping "he'll change" will change nothing. Only DOING something about the issue (even if it isn't your fault alone) will help you heal.

Good therapy is a LOT of work. It's heart wrenching work. Good therapists GUIDE you, but let YOU do the work yourself.

Please, get some good help from someone who is trained and Board Cerrified and you take your therapy seriously and work HARD I would pretty much guarantee it will help you learn to deal with the issue in a constructive way. But, you have to want the help and have to participate. Wishing never made problems go away.

Hoping and wishing never solved a single problem. Also, they don't go away on their own or if you ignore them. You have to take action, don't wait for him to; he sees nothing wrong with the way he treats you.

Good luck. I find if you look into getting therapy immediately, not put it off, you'll get help sooner and get better and learn to deal with the issues, whatever that takes for you, sooner.

Good luck. less