Has your spouse ever gotten offended by the use of toys? Advice?

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Has your spouse ever gotten offended by the use of toys? Advice?

BoomersGirl BoomersGirl
When we first got together, he told me that if we ever "needed" to use toys to spice things up, there was something wrong with our relationship. So it took me a long time to introduce the subject. Because I disagree - when you use them together, it spices things up and brings you closer. And anything to make it "new" helps keep that bond together.

I don't even remember how we got started buying stuff, but we have a nice collection now. And then just recently, we were fighting and I said something about sex and it opened up into a rare conversation about our sex life where he admitted that our using toys was making him feel inferior / or as if he's not enough to get me to orgasm. I can't help I'm one of those women who needs clitoral stimulation and vibrators and such are the only things that work. I told him there was no need to be offended. I didn't care what worked as long as we were able to share that together because I'd never been able to with anyone else. And I have gotten books to try and show him that it's normal for it to take 15-20 minutes (sometimes longer) for a woman to climax. And it's normal for a woman to need that extra stimulation. I told him it has nothing to do with him at all, it's just how I was made. I'm still not sure he's completely convinced, but he seems okay using toys for now.

Is there any other advice about how to make him feel okay with using toys?
07/08/2010
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Quote:
Originally posted by BoomersGirl
When we first got together, he told me that if we ever "needed" to use toys to spice things up, there was something wrong with our relationship. So it took me a long time to introduce the subject. Because I disagree - when you use them ...
That's pretty much how my boyfriend felt. He was nervous that if we brought toys in to the relationship it meant he wasn't doing it for me anymore. He was nervous I would love my toys more than I loved him. He knew he was wrong from the moment we de boxed our first toy! What happen to you is pretty much what happened to us word for word!
Besides the fact that my boyfriend now asks when we are going to be able to use the toys He likes being able to control them and or watch me please myself when using them.
Good luck! I hope things work out!
07/08/2010
BoomersGirl BoomersGirl
Mine definitely likes the cock rings best because he's still in control so in his mind, he's still "doing it" - LOL. It's easier and faster for me using a vibrator during sex, but then he seems to feel as if he's not enough if I do that too much.
07/08/2010
Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
Quote:
Originally posted by BoomersGirl
Mine definitely likes the cock rings best because he's still in control so in his mind, he's still "doing it" - LOL. It's easier and faster for me using a vibrator during sex, but then he seems to feel as if he's not enough if I do that too much.
How about a finger vibe? Some of them, like the tantra beam link and the wrist to finger link actually turn your finger into the vibe so it feels very personal and might leave him feeling uber in control of pleasing you.
07/08/2010
PassionQT PassionQT
I cum much better, faster, and more often when toys are involved. His ego isn't hurt and we both are left feeling satisfied.
07/08/2010
Alicia Alicia
My husband hasn't been offended, but sometimes I get the feeling that he likes it to be just us. This could be all in my head though since he's never mentioned anything. So, maybe the issue lies more with me than it does him. Anyway, I don't always use toys, sometimes we go all out and use many toys, and sometimes I just use a bullet between us during sex for a little added something.

He does understand that it takes me longer to orgasm and has no problem giving me that added attention and time, so as long as we have that time to give what we usually do is have him give me an orgasm first with his hands, mouth, whatever. Then, if I am still craving more we'll use toys. And he loves to see me go crazy with a toy, I think he just also likes to know he's still got it too.

I've found that it helps me to orgasm quicker/better without a toy if I stay away from strong clitoral vibrations for a day or two. This isn't something that always happens, but if I know we're going to have a night that we want to make special for whatever reason I will stay away from toys for a few days so that I'm more sensitive to his touch, since vibrations do desensitize me to an extent.
07/08/2010
Victoria Victoria
Great advice so far in this thread!

I also think you might want to have a deeper conversation with him about how many parts of him you appreciate outside of the bedroom, so that he does not tie so much of his worth and masculinity to your sex life. He's much more than just a sexual partner to you, so make sure he thinks about it that way too. That his self esteem and self worth in the relationship should be a balanced picture - not just about him pleasing you sexually, but also about him being appreciated for being a supportive partner, a good friend, talented in other ways, helpful and so on.
07/08/2010
Valyn Valyn
I agree with Victoria.. the only way to get through it is to talk about it!

I don't think toys intimidate my guy, but we don't always use them when we play. If you need a little extra clit stimulation, you could try a little more foreplay, or look up sexual positions that might help him rub you the right way.

Hope things work out!
07/08/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by BoomersGirl
When we first got together, he told me that if we ever "needed" to use toys to spice things up, there was something wrong with our relationship. So it took me a long time to introduce the subject. Because I disagree - when you use them ...
BG, My Man bought our first few toys. I, after years of really easy orgasming I developed a high orgasmic threshold during peri-menopause and it became difficult to orgasm. Before that, My Man could always help me find my orgasm with little trouble.

It got so that I needed the intense stimulation of something like the Wahl, and without it, I am sure I would have lost the ability to readily come and it would have been awful.

Anyway, once, we were having a difficult time when my drive was outpacing his, and I felt I wasn't getting enough sex, and I was crying and upset and he yelled, "I can't keep up with that damn machine!" And, wow, did I cry even harder. He apologized immediately, and explained that, yeah, his Ego was involved, because he could always help me find my orgasm from his own efforts (I hate the term "Make her come" because everyone is at least in part responsible for their own orgasm, and if you use terms like "Make you come." (like My Man did) then, when your partner has hard time coming, you WILL take it personally.

I explained that I had NO control over my increasing Orgasmic Threshold, it was hormonal, and without the few minutes of the "Mixmaster" when I got to the part where I felt I was close to coming, I would be back in the situation of NOT having orgasms again, and I couldn't handle that at all, and neither could he. I added that although I didn't think the toy cause the increase in Orgasmic Threshold (as it had been happening before we started using toys) it was his idea to use the toys, and neither of us had any control over my threshold and we should be glad SOMETHING worked. He admitted that it was HOT watching me with toys, and using them on me so we could find a way to make it work.

We got over the problem. He often now even realizes the point where we need to grab the Wahl, and we've almost seamlessly put it into our sex life.

The funny thing is, phallic vibrators and dildos never bothered him. You'd think something that LOOKS more like a penis would be more troublesome, but as the Wahl helps me find my orgasm, and he always used to bring me ALL the way there, it bothered him more.

Now, he always goes down on me as soon as I start to come. I can come for 5 minutes or more with the combo of him getting me 99% of the way there, then the Wahl taking over, while he provides other vaginal, anal or other stimulation and then going down as soon as I start to come. I also am lucky enough to have multiples so there are more than just the one orgasm from the vibrator, the rest happen without it, and these happen with ANY stimulation (including giving him head, which really turns him on.) I don't know why subsequent orgasms are so easy, while the first one is SO hard to get to. I didn't used to be like this.

Also, when he does other stuff, while we use the Wahl, I always used to say, and still do, "It's all you, baby, it's all you." This helped a lot, because it's TRUE. I'm not IN LOVE with a vibrator, I don't MAKE LOVE to a vibrator, it's a tool to get me to where I need to be with him providing 99% of the stimulation and doing so even while I'm using it.

So, yeah, it used to bother him a little bit, but we had to TALK about it, I needed to tell him why I needed the vibrator, and he needed to tell me why his ego was bruised, and we found a solution to the problem, mainly I come like crazy WHILE he's going down, after using the vibrator, so it's all good, now.

But, talking about the situation (and men like to talk directly and to the point, so just SAY what you want to say, and don't go into too much detail or over emotionalize it. Of course you can say if your feelings are hurt but keep it simple when you speak.)
07/10/2010
Sera Sera
Quote:
Originally posted by BoomersGirl
When we first got together, he told me that if we ever "needed" to use toys to spice things up, there was something wrong with our relationship. So it took me a long time to introduce the subject. Because I disagree - when you use them ...
I understand how you feel. When I got my first vibrator, Jonathan felt inferior. He didn't want me to get it at all, because he thought something was wrong with him. But nothing is. The only reason I got it as well was because he doesn't last very long and he comes before I've even gotten off yet, and for that reason I never get off. I wish he would just insert the vibrator into me just after he pulls out from cumming, and on with the show until I've had my fill. He feels so ashamed, and I don't like the idea either, but it's not fair that I hardly ever come.
08/01/2010
TheCleansing TheCleansing
Personally wouldn't be offended if my girlfriend pulled a toy. It's part of human nature to want that orgasm.
08/27/2010
Timaree Timaree
insecure people get insecure whenever they get the chance to be. any partner who makes you feel bad about wanting to use something that gives you pleasure is selfish and needs to work on their own self image first.

here's some advice for the jealous partner: link
08/29/2010
sweet seduction sweet seduction
mine hasnt
01/17/2011
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
There's a 99% I agree with P'Gell - but her entry is too long for me to get through

About your husband - I would tell him to grow up. To feel threatened by an inanimate sex toy is an astounding level of insecurity.

You married him and your not cheating on him with a box of toys. I'm sorry the whole thing strikes me that he must be a sadly insecure person.

You obviously love him - tell him to focus on that and move on.
01/17/2011
Chevylady37 Chevylady37
Quote:
Originally posted by BoomersGirl
When we first got together, he told me that if we ever "needed" to use toys to spice things up, there was something wrong with our relationship. So it took me a long time to introduce the subject. Because I disagree - when you use them ...
i've had my husband look at this site and ask him what he would be interested in even if its something i wouldn't be, we could start with things that interest him then go from there.
01/18/2011
Cream in the Cupcake Cream in the Cupcake
suprisingly my boyfriend has never had a problem. Probably because I introduced them so early and he knew I has a vibe when we met. He sometimes gets sensitive about physical features but he loves using toys on me. Hes the one who jumps out of bed to grab them.
02/07/2011
Total posts: 16
Unique posters: 15