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When we first got together, he told me that if we ever "needed" to use toys to spice things up, there was something wrong with our relationship. So it took me a long time to introduce the subject. Because I disagree - when you use them
When we first got together, he told me that if we ever "needed" to use toys to spice things up, there was something wrong with our relationship. So it took me a long time to introduce the subject. Because I disagree - when you use them together, it spices things up and brings you closer. And anything to make it "new" helps keep that bond together.
I don't even remember how we got started buying stuff, but we have a nice collection now. And then just recently, we were fighting and I said something about sex and it opened up into a rare conversation about our sex life where he admitted that our using toys was making him feel inferior / or as if he's not enough to get me to orgasm. I can't help I'm one of those women who needs clitoral stimulation and vibrators and such are the only things that work. I told him there was no need to be offended. I didn't care what worked as long as we were able to share that together because I'd never been able to with anyone else. And I have gotten books to try and show him that it's normal for it to take 15-20 minutes (sometimes longer) for a woman to climax. And it's normal for a woman to need that extra stimulation. I told him it has nothing to do with him at all, it's just how I was made. I'm still not sure he's completely convinced, but he seems okay using toys for now.
Is there any other advice about how to make him feel okay with using toys?
BG, My Man bought our first few toys. I, after years of really easy orgasming I developed a high orgasmic threshold during peri-menopause and it became difficult to orgasm. Before that, My Man could always help me find my orgasm with little trouble.
It got so that I needed the intense stimulation of something like the Wahl, and without it, I am sure I would have lost the ability to readily come and it would have been awful.
Anyway, once, we were having a difficult time when my drive was outpacing his, and I felt I wasn't getting enough sex, and I was crying and upset and he yelled, "I can't keep up with that damn machine!" And, wow, did I cry even harder. He apologized immediately, and explained that, yeah, his Ego was involved, because he could always help me find my orgasm from his own efforts (I hate the term "Make her come" because everyone is at least in part responsible for their own orgasm, and if you use terms like "Make you come." (like My Man did) then, when your partner has hard time coming, you WILL take it personally.
I explained that I had NO control over my increasing Orgasmic Threshold, it was hormonal, and without the few minutes of the "Mixmaster" when I got to the part where I felt I was close to coming, I would be back in the situation of NOT having orgasms again, and I couldn't handle that at all, and neither could he. I added that although I didn't think the toy cause the increase in Orgasmic Threshold (as it had been happening before we started using toys) it was his idea to use the toys, and neither of us had any control over my threshold and we should be glad SOMETHING worked. He admitted that it was HOT watching me with toys, and using them on me so we could find a way to make it work.
We got over the problem. He often now even realizes the point where we need to grab the Wahl, and we've almost seamlessly put it into our sex life.
The funny thing is, phallic vibrators and dildos never bothered him. You'd think something that LOOKS more like a penis would be more troublesome, but as the Wahl helps me find my orgasm, and he always used to bring me ALL the way there, it bothered him more.
Now, he always goes down on me as soon as I start to come. I can come for 5 minutes or more with the combo of him getting me 99% of the way there, then the Wahl taking over, while he provides other vaginal, anal or other stimulation and then going down as soon as I start to come. I also am lucky enough to have multiples so there are more than just the one orgasm from the vibrator, the rest happen without it, and these happen with ANY stimulation (including giving him head, which really turns him on.) I don't know why subsequent orgasms are so easy, while the first one is SO hard to get to. I didn't used to be like this.
Also, when he does other stuff, while we use the Wahl, I always used to say, and still do, "It's all you, baby, it's all you." This helped a lot, because it's TRUE. I'm not IN LOVE with a vibrator, I don't MAKE LOVE to a vibrator, it's a tool to get me to where I need to be with him providing 99% of the stimulation and doing so even while I'm using it.
So, yeah, it used to bother him a little bit, but we had to TALK about it, I needed to tell him why I needed the vibrator, and he needed to tell me why his ego was bruised, and we found a solution to the problem, mainly I come like crazy WHILE he's going down, after using the vibrator, so it's all good, now.
But, talking about the situation (and men like to talk directly and to the point, so just SAY what you want to say, and don't go into too much detail or over emotionalize it. Of course you can say if your feelings are hurt but keep it simple when you speak.)