Husband HATES me having toys

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Husband HATES me having toys

fabjennie fabjennie
I knew he didn't like them from the moment we started dating. And he knew I did. At first he actually took my toys away from me which I actually found hot and sexy for a little while but eventually I found them and put them back in their home in my nightstand.

So now here we are married for 2 years and not only have I started doing reviews for Eden but also sell products through another company. So of course my collection has grown. I don't flaunt them or tell the hubby about every toy I get but I guess he checks in on them and sees the collection growing. I am a grown woman and see no reason to hide my toys or pretend that I don't like them but now it is starting to cause problems. He threatens to throw them away or accuses me of liking them more than I like him which is ridiculous. We have sex often and it is great! But he works nights which leaves a lot of time alone.

I understand that it is possibly an insecurity but I don't know what to do. I would be VERY unhappy without my toys and even more unhappy without him. And I hate him not being happy but I just don't get why he wants to pick THIS to be unhappy about. I've tried introducing the toys slowly. And even attempted to start off with massage oils and candles and such. No luck. It was like he was so uncomfortable that it took away all the pleasure.

Should I hide my toys? Get rid of them? Tell him to shove off and deal with it? It seems silly for him to have this reaction but then again it seems silly for me to fight so hard for them....
11/27/2010
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ScottA ScottA
Talk about it. Try to figure out what he doesn't like and address it. He might be worried that the toys are replacing him or that he is inadequate, or he might just be really conservative, or any number of things.
11/28/2010
fabjennie fabjennie
It is totally that he feels like they are replacing him. And that couldn't be further from the truth. When he is here I want him...not the toys. Not that I wouldn't mind incorporating some of them into our sessions but I can do without it. The only time I use them is when he isn't home. *sigh* I am just going to continue talking to him about it without badgering or nagging. Maybe one day.....

Thanks for the reply.
11/28/2010
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Something I learned from my own marriage -

IT'S NOT YOU. This is obviously HIS problem, and he is unwilling to deal with it himself, so he punishes you for it.

I had to divorce my husband because of his unwillingness to work on 'us' and his need to blame me for his own inadequacies (including sexual). I hope it doesn't lead to that for you. Get him to talking, get a professional if you need to ... but it's also ultimately up to him if he wants to work on his sexual security or not.

I wish you lots of luck.
11/28/2010
fabjennie fabjennie
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Something I learned from my own marriage -

IT'S NOT YOU. This is obviously HIS problem, and he is unwilling to deal with it himself, so he punishes you for it.

I had to divorce my husband because of his unwillingness to work on ...
Thanks Chilipepper. I'm sorry to hear that about your relationship. I don't see ours going that far but you never know. We do discuss it quite often and the other night I even convinced him to use some massage candle and the pleasure mitt. And we had a Uphoria too which neither one of us liked but at least he tried it! lol.

I want to start doing anal too which he seems VERY interested in. So I think that will lead to using more toys. We shall see.
11/28/2010
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by fabjennie
Thanks Chilipepper. I'm sorry to hear that about your relationship. I don't see ours going that far but you never know. We do discuss it quite often and the other night I even convinced him to use some massage candle and the pleasure mitt. ...
I wonder if he would benefit from having some toys of his own? To see that they are different from real person sex, and not a replacement of. It might just be fear of the unknown.
11/28/2010
trios trios
Quote:
Originally posted by fabjennie
I knew he didn't like them from the moment we started dating. And he knew I did. At first he actually took my toys away from me which I actually found hot and sexy for a little while but eventually I found them and put them back in their home in ...
That's funny! My wife hates the toys I bought her! Inverse situation here...

I bought some toys for her, to give her more sexual experiences and variety, esp since I have been her 'one and only'. Only she doesn't seem to really want them, but does tolerate 1 with oral.

So you and I are in the same boat in a way. I may have to give some or most of the toys away because they are sitting there in the closet- unloved.

Just some 2cents about it:
Because he is your husband I would probably communicate with him. First I would do some introspection yourself: why are they important to you? Is you sexual hunger greater than his? Are they helpful to you due to convenience? Do they give you something he lacks? Do you use them out of habit? Is he ultraconservative with sex? Jealous? lots to think about! Put the pieces from his previous reactions about them.

Probably don't want to pressure him with an ultimateum or into making any kind of decision. This will probably be a process.

My wife tolerates using 1 of them and but does so with eyes rolled. She doesn't care if I have 1 or 1000 but will only use 1. I will have to respect her wishes because it is her body after all, and marriage is not based on sex alone. But I guess it is easier for me to deal with this because I feel that she is making the choice to not enjoy them, so I can't say I didn't try!
11/28/2010
fabjennie fabjennie
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I wonder if he would benefit from having some toys of his own? To see that they are different from real person sex, and not a replacement of. It might just be fear of the unknown.
I bought him a masturbator and it has NEVER been used. Even when I offer to use it on him.
11/28/2010
fabjennie fabjennie
Quote:
Originally posted by trios
That's funny! My wife hates the toys I bought her! Inverse situation here...

I bought some toys for her, to give her more sexual experiences and variety, esp since I have been her 'one and only'. Only she doesn't seem to really ...
Lol. I will be more then happy to take those unloved toys off your hands trios

I definitely do not pressure him. That is a one way trip to him shutting down completely.

As far as myself the sex drive is and always has been huge. We had sex this morning and I'm already wanting it again. The toys are very convenient when he is not home (which is basically Mon- fri) He isn't conservative about sex. And if I get him to drink a few before we go at it his freaky side comes out some.

He once told me that an ex told him that she didn't need him because she had her toys. And it was a bad relationship filled with her cheating and all that crap. I think he is still dwelling on that and hopefully he will realize that using toys does not equal cheating. And I am not going to cheat just because I use toys. I know he use to be ok with them...and porn. And every now and then I can get him to watch porn but like you said...it is like he just tolerates it.
11/28/2010
gone77 gone77
Quote:
Originally posted by fabjennie
Lol. I will be more then happy to take those unloved toys off your hands trios

I definitely do not pressure him. That is a one way trip to him shutting down completely.

As far as myself the sex drive is and always has been huge. We had ...
"He once told me that an ex told him that she didn't need him because she had her toys. And it was a bad relationship filled with her cheating and all that crap."

I'd say that that right there is the basis for his issue. Perhaps he should seek professional help?
11/28/2010
trios trios
Quote:
Originally posted by fabjennie
Lol. I will be more then happy to take those unloved toys off your hands trios

I definitely do not pressure him. That is a one way trip to him shutting down completely.

As far as myself the sex drive is and always has been huge. We had ...
Yes, my wife and I are mismatched as well.

Anyways, he probably associates the toys with his last relationship, like you mentioned. Probably best to de-associate them somehow. I am not a psychologist, but a relationship is Always a work in progress.

One quick idea is for him to eventually drive the toys and get involved with them, probably after he feels less threatened by them? Not sure if he is on 'alert', as may happen when an incident happens and he becomes suspicious. Maybe let things blow over so to speak?
11/28/2010
UnknownGirl UnknownGirl
I'll never understand how people can be jealous of a chunk of plastic/rubber/whateve r. I mean, it's got to take somebody with very low self-esteem and a lot of insecurities to have a problem with their partner having toys.
11/28/2010
Emily! Emily!
This is a terrible situation and I feel your pain. My boyfriend had a huge issue with this when I first told him that I used toys. I found it funny that he looved the fact that I masturbate and wanted me to do it with him but when he realized that I used a hunk of vibrating plastic... completely different story. It all had to do with his insecurities. After much reassurance and love, he's finally come to terms with it. I had to show him all the different stuff I could get that he would love too. Stuff like bullet vibes on his balls and tasty lube for bj. I'm sorry sorry that this hasn't been the case for you guys. I was going to suggest a masturbator but I just read your post that he wouldn't even try it. What about introducing a small finger type bullet to sex. Maybe he'll like the vibration.
11/28/2010
Viktor Vysheslav Malkin Viktor Vysheslav Malkin
Quote:
Originally posted by fabjennie
I knew he didn't like them from the moment we started dating. And he knew I did. At first he actually took my toys away from me which I actually found hot and sexy for a little while but eventually I found them and put them back in their home in ...
Heya fabjennie!

Sorry to hear about your problems. I am not an expert, so I am not qualified to give advice. I just wanted to add a few thoughts.

Why is he taking them away from you? You are an adult eh? Obviously you are. Your not his child, your his wife. In my outlook on marriage (which is different from others, as is the case with a lot of people), Marriage is an equal partnership, one side shouldn't have complete control, and tell the other what he/she can or cannot do (there are circumstances that a side may say "Hey I am not cool with [enter subject here). Again this is this ones look on Marriage and is not accepted by everyone, there are different dynamics to everyones marriage. I am not married so I have no experience, just telling what I would like out of it.

Another thing I find funny, you said he takes them away from you, but you find them hidden? If he truly hated them and wanted them gone, would he not have destroyed them or thrown them in the garbage? Maybe he doesn't hate them as much as he lets on.

Good luck to you and I hope you both can settle this
11/28/2010
fabjennie fabjennie
Quote:
Originally posted by Viktor Vysheslav Malkin
Heya fabjennie!

Sorry to hear about your problems. I am not an expert, so I am not qualified to give advice. I just wanted to add a few thoughts.

Why is he taking them away from you? You are an adult eh? Obviously you are. Your not ...
Oh it was years ago when he took them away. And he probably didn't throw them out because he knew I would kill him. lol. It was when he moved in with me that I got them back and I have had them and added to them since then.

It's just so contradictory ...he is a very self confident man. Doesn't take any crap off of anyone and is all man...until it comes to this.

I do think it is carried over baggage from the ex though and that is what I have to work on. Although I don't feel like I should and he should just leave that where it is..the past but overall he is a great loving husband and father. And God knows he puts up with a lot more from me!! lol
11/28/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by fabjennie
I knew he didn't like them from the moment we started dating. And he knew I did. At first he actually took my toys away from me which I actually found hot and sexy for a little while but eventually I found them and put them back in their home in ...
You might need to get some professional help, hun if he is as insecure as you say he is. It is abusive and demeaning to tell an adult that they can't have something that brings them pleasure and is perfectly acceptible. It is as abusive as idiot women who decide that if their men like porn they are somehow saying that they don't like their partner's bodies!
You might need to find a counselor that is comfortable with toy use and can counsel you and he about this issue.
11/28/2010
Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
You might need to get some professional help, hun if he is as insecure as you say he is. It is abusive and demeaning to tell an adult that they can't have something that brings them pleasure and is perfectly acceptible. It is as abusive as idiot ...
I have to agree with Airen here. I know it might seem to be blowing the situation out of proportion but my not-so-sainted ex-husband started out with very similar insecurities (he hid my toys and then when I found and took them back, he broke them all, and also broke ones that had just come in the mail) and his behavior escalated to become very controlling and abusive. You may want to consult with a professional before things have a chance to get truly out of hand.
11/28/2010
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
You might need to get some professional help, hun if he is as insecure as you say he is. It is abusive and demeaning to tell an adult that they can't have something that brings them pleasure and is perfectly acceptible. It is as abusive as idiot ...
I second counseling not just for his insecurities but for some of the issues you have shown in this thread, too ("but I just don't get why he wants to pick THIS to be unhappy about." Because he woke up and decide to be insecure? I think not. This line of think is dangerous when it comes to relationships).
11/28/2010
Viktor Vysheslav Malkin Viktor Vysheslav Malkin
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
I have to agree with Airen here. I know it might seem to be blowing the situation out of proportion but my not-so-sainted ex-husband started out with very similar insecurities (he hid my toys and then when I found and took them back, he broke them ...
Well, I might not be your ex-husband but I think you deserve an apology for that so I am going to give you one!

I am sorry this happened for you
11/28/2010
fabjennie fabjennie
You all make valid points. I have been in my share of abusive, controlling relationships and don't really feel like this is at that point but I can see how it could possibly turn into it. But how when he already thinks it is ridiculous to even have toys do I try to talk him into going to a counselor? *sigh* I will try to keep you updated.

I understand the comparison with porn for men too. I dated a guy that LOVED porn even more then me...as long as it didn't interfere with our love making (aka- I was still getting booty) I didn't care what he did back in his computer room. lol.
11/28/2010
Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by Viktor Vysheslav Malkin
Well, I might not be your ex-husband but I think you deserve an apology for that so I am going to give you one!

I am sorry this happened for you
Awww, thanks Sweetie It's ok though - I got out safely, I have all the toys I want now, a much better man, and he has to spend the rest of his life knowing he lost me. That's more than enough for me.
11/28/2010
fabjennie fabjennie
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
I have to agree with Airen here. I know it might seem to be blowing the situation out of proportion but my not-so-sainted ex-husband started out with very similar insecurities (he hid my toys and then when I found and took them back, he broke them ...
I'm sorry this happened too. I've never had that happen but I did have one guy take all my toys and porn I had collected while with him because he said " He wasn't going to let me use them with anyone else" I had a massive porn collection and I still miss my Hitachi.
11/28/2010
PussyGalore PussyGalore
Quote:
Originally posted by fabjennie
I knew he didn't like them from the moment we started dating. And he knew I did. At first he actually took my toys away from me which I actually found hot and sexy for a little while but eventually I found them and put them back in their home in ...
This is one of those sacred circle talking stick moments. I would suggest bringing it up in an after-glow moment. There could be a few things going on here:

~ He's uncomfortable because he isn't sure how he feels about something else penetrating you and more specifically if you are thinking about him or someone else while using the toy.

~ He could be uncomfortable at the level of arousal he feels at seeing you penetrated by something other than him.

~ He could simply not understand why toys are beneficial to play and how they inspire better sex instead of taking away from it.

~ It could be something entirely different and the only way you'll know is if you can get him to open up about it.

You'll have to amend your approach to when you think he is most open to discussing the issue and you have to be honest about how it makes you feel while allowing him to do exactly the same. It may take several conversations before it's resolved and that's ok. Without 100% honest, open communication it will never be resolved. Good luck!!
11/28/2010
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by fabjennie
I knew he didn't like them from the moment we started dating. And he knew I did. At first he actually took my toys away from me which I actually found hot and sexy for a little while but eventually I found them and put them back in their home in ...
He is being ridiculous. Why did you guys not resolve this issue before you got married? Or before you continued dating for that matter? It is NOT cool that he took your things from you. That's great you found it hot...but really? Think about that... he takes things away from you that you enjoy? That is not healthy. I agree with Chillipepper...it is him. He is insecure and controlling and both of those things mixed are not good.

He checks up on your collection? You guess? Is there any communication here? You are absolutely right! You should have no reason to hide your things from your own damn husband. If he has a problem with them, he needs to talk to you about it. I would be buying a locking toy box if i were you. I don't care who the person is, they have no right to go through my things without my permission.

Have you explained these things to him? It is absolutely insecurity and you can't help him if he doesn't talk to you.

"I would be VERY unhappy without my toys"...Then do not let him throw them away or get rid of them for any reason. His behavior is uncalled for an immature. Again, I would be buying a locking box.

YES, tell him to fucking grow up and talk to you. It is NOT silly for you to fight for something that makes YOU happy.
11/28/2010
fabjennie fabjennie
Quote:
Originally posted by PussyGalore
This is one of those sacred circle talking stick moments. I would suggest bringing it up in an after-glow moment. There could be a few things going on here:

~ He's uncomfortable because he isn't sure how he feels about something else ...
Oh! I like the thought of doing it in the afterglow moment. I think that would be very productive! Thanks! Can;t believe I haven't tried that. lol
11/28/2010
fabjennie fabjennie
Quote:
Originally posted by ~LaUr3n~
He is being ridiculous. Why did you guys not resolve this issue before you got married? Or before you continued dating for that matter? It is NOT cool that he took your things from you. That's great you found it hot...but really? Think about ...
Lol LaUr3n..tell me how you really feel Kidding. i appreciate each and every one of you for your feedback.

I thought we had resolved it when we moved in together and it never really was brought up or seemed to be a problem until my collection started growing at a rapid pace. (Since August i started selling toys and also started reviewing for here so you can imagine how quickly I've accumulated products!) And oddly enough he has NO problem with me selling them and most of the time just laughs and shakes his head when I tell him (sarcastically) that it is my job and I owe it to my customers to try out the toys and give my honest opinion.. but for some reason last night he got grumpy about it again. And said that dreaded phrase that makes me look at him like he is fucking crazy..the whole you like them more then me.

I am getting a lock box but not really for that reason...I mean if he wanted to get rid of them he throw the whole box away anyways. My little one is getting a little too big for her britches and even though she knows she isn't allowed to go in mommy and daddy's room she sneaks sometimes.
11/28/2010
PussyGalore PussyGalore
Quote:
Originally posted by fabjennie
Oh! I like the thought of doing it in the afterglow moment. I think that would be very productive! Thanks! Can;t believe I haven't tried that. lol
Many moments of contention have been settled in after-glow. As much as it makes me want to gag all over the place, as Dr. Phil says "you gotta learn their language". I really hope it works. No one should have to go through this but each relationship has a certain level of comfort, he obviously is still holding onto past hurts and he sees it as a threat. Cliched, time heals all wounds.

Have you ever asked him if knowing when you are using them would turn him on, like if you sent a text to him saying hey can't wait for you to get home and while i'm waiting...[insert words here].
11/28/2010
fabjennie fabjennie
Quote:
Originally posted by PussyGalore
Many moments of contention have been settled in after-glow. As much as it makes me want to gag all over the place, as Dr. Phil says "you gotta learn their language". I really hope it works. No one should have to go through this but each ...
I haven't tried that but I imagine it would consist of eye rolling and head shaking. Lol
11/28/2010
LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Something I learned from my own marriage -

IT'S NOT YOU. This is obviously HIS problem, and he is unwilling to deal with it himself, so he punishes you for it.

I had to divorce my husband because of his unwillingness to work on ...
Ab-so-frickin-lutely. Well said.
11/29/2010
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by fabjennie
I knew he didn't like them from the moment we started dating. And he knew I did. At first he actually took my toys away from me which I actually found hot and sexy for a little while but eventually I found them and put them back in their home in ...
What I have learned about toys and marriage in my short month here.

1. Husband hates that I masturbate, so I rarely do anymore, and if I do I try and do something to incorporate him (like make a video). He doesn't understand that I am not doing it just to get off. Part of it is that I'm rediscovering my own body and, in a way, taking it back (from rape/abuse), and enjoying it without having to "perform" for him. (which I don't, but I always feel bad if he's trying to accomplish a goal and it's not working... I like to be able to direct him better, which is another reason for my masturbating)

2. I realized that his biggest issue with my using toys on myself is that he wants to be a part of every sexual experience I have.

3. Getting him a sex toy let him see that my sex toys could never replace him, same as his could never replace me.

4. That ultimately, your marriage is far more important than a piece of silicone (or plastic, or steel, or glass) and that it deserves your utmost respect. Part of respecting your husband is sacrificing things.


I would highly HIGHLY recommend getting some counseling (if he never gets past the "you're just replacing me" argument) to get to the root of the problem. I realize it seems silly for him to react so strongly, but you have to remember that his feelings are just as valid as yours. There is a way to honor both party's feelings.

Maybe you could have phone sex with him on his lunch break from work while you use a toy? Maybe you and he can go through your toys and talk about what bothers him about them and what you can do (rationally and realistically) to make him more comfortable.
11/29/2010
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