Husband HATES me having toys

What I have learned about toys and marriage in my short month here.

1. Husband hates that I masturbate, so I rarely do anymore, and if I do I try and do something to incorporate him (like make a video). He doesn't understand that I am not doing it just to get off. Part of it is that I'm rediscovering my own body and, in a way, taking it back (from rape/abuse), and enjoying it without having to "perform" for him. (which I don't, but I always feel bad if he's trying to accomplish a goal and it's not working... I like to be able to direct him better, which is another reason for my masturbating)

2. I realized that his biggest issue with my using toys on myself is that he wants to be a part of every sexual experience I have.

3. Getting him a sex toy let him see that my sex toys could never replace him, same as his could never replace me.

4. That ultimately, your marriage is far more important than a piece of silicone (or plastic, or steel, or glass) and that it deserves your utmost respect. Part of respecting your husband is sacrificing things.


I would highly HIGHLY recommend getting some counseling (if he never gets past the "you're just replacing me" argument) to get to the root of the problem. I realize it seems silly for him to react so strongly, but you have to remember that his feelings are just as valid as yours. There is a way to honor both party's feelings.

Maybe you could have phone sex with him on his lunch break from work while you use a toy? Maybe you and he can go through your toys and talk about what bothers him about them and what you can do (rationally and realistically) to make him more comfortable. less

Updating you all I talked to him last night and told him that without a doubt the toys are not replacing him! That they can't hold me or love me or surprise me. If given the option it would be him every single time. I think slowly and surely he will come around. He might not ever be comfortable with me using them while he is around but he might feel better with me having them. less

Lol LaUr3n..tell me how you really feel Kidding. i appreciate each and every one of you for your feedback.

I thought we had resolved it when we moved in together and it never really was brought up or seemed to be a problem until my collection started growing at a rapid pace. (Since August i started selling toys and also started reviewing for here so you can imagine how quickly I've accumulated products!) And oddly enough he has NO problem with me selling them and most of the time just laughs and shakes his head when I tell him (sarcastically) that it is my job and I owe it to my customers to try out the toys and give my honest opinion.. but for some reason last night he got grumpy about it again. And said that dreaded phrase that makes me look at him like he is fucking crazy..the whole you like them more then me.

I am getting a lock box but not really for that reason...I mean if he wanted to get rid of them he throw the whole box away anyways. My little one is getting a little too big for her britches and even though she knows she isn't allowed to go in mommy and daddy's room she sneaks sometimes. less

LOL I'm sorry. I had a really insecure boyfriend once and I wish I left him or ended the relationship sooner. I didn't realize it then, but he kept me from doing things that made me happy because it would make him feel worse about himself. For example he would put me down when I said I wanted to lose a little weight. It turned out to be because then he would have to face that he had self esteem issues and that he felt he wasn't good enough for me. So, it would make it worse for him if I looked better. So...reading this made me a bit angry. He needs to deal with his issues and not punish you for them.

Oh I totally know how they can rapidly accumulate!

Hmm...so, how about getting a toy specifically for him that you would use on him/ Is he opposed to that too? less

I knew he didn't like them from the moment we started dating. And he knew I did. At first he actually took my toys away from me which I actually found hot and sexy for a little while but eventually I found them and put them back in their home in my nightstand.

So now here we are married for 2 years and not only have I started doing reviews for Eden but also sell products through another company. So of course my collection has grown. I don't flaunt them or tell the hubby about every toy I get but I guess he checks in on them and sees the collection growing. I am a grown woman and see no reason to hide my toys or pretend that I don't like them but now it is starting to cause problems. He threatens to throw them away or accuses me of liking them more than I like him which is ridiculous. We have sex often and it is great! But he works nights which leaves a lot of time alone.

I understand that it is possibly an insecurity but I don't know what to do. I would be VERY unhappy without my toys and even more unhappy without him. And I hate him not being happy but I just don't get why he wants to pick THIS to be unhappy about. I've tried introducing the toys slowly. And even attempted to start off with massage oils and candles and such. No luck. It was like he was so uncomfortable that it took away all the pleasure.

Should I hide my toys? Get rid of them? Tell him to shove off and deal with it? It seems silly for him to have this reaction but then again it seems silly for me to fight so hard for them.... less

LOL I'm sorry. I had a really insecure boyfriend once and I wish I left him or ended the relationship sooner. I didn't realize it then, but he kept me from doing things that made me happy because it would make him feel worse about himself. For example he would put me down when I said I wanted to lose a little weight. It turned out to be because then he would have to face that he had self esteem issues and that he felt he wasn't good enough for me. So, it would make it worse for him if I looked better. So...reading this made me a bit angry. He needs to deal with his issues and not punish you for them.

Oh I totally know how they can rapidly accumulate!

Hmm...so, how about getting a toy specifically for him that you would use on him/ Is he opposed to that too? less

Good points here Pussy Galore! My guys understand that to keep my level of arousal under control (I have an amazingly high sex drive) I NEED either of them available at all times or time to use my toys. Since they share my drive and apreciate being able to play 'extracurricularly' they make sure I have what I need in terms of time with them and time alone. With three kids ranging from teens to infants in age this is a time management nightmare!

What I'm saying is they know it keeps me happy and satisfied so they WANT me involved with my toys. I need the outlet or I turn into a jealous raging she demon...and it's something that doesn't change apparently! Recently I had a serious UTI and couldn't have sex comfortably for over 9 days, though I controlled it Sigel could see my jealousy over his making a connection during that time and planning a play date. For us toys are a vital part of our sex life, but both guys know that THEY are my favorite sex toy. Often Sigel will toss a toy to the side and help me orgasm orally because it's easier, deeper and more satisfying.

If your poor mistreated guy (and he HAS a valid fear! He's already seen it happen.) can learn that in your eyes NOTHING can replace him he will calm down and learn to enjoy playing WITH you. Still he has to learn to trust you, but as long as you are there for the long haul he CAN learn to trust you. Keep playing with toys and seeking him out, the more you orgasm the more you are going to WANT to orgasm it's how we are designed as women. less

Good points here Pussy Galore! My guys understand that to keep my level of arousal under control (I have an amazingly high sex drive) I NEED either of them available at all times or time to use my toys. Since they share my drive and apreciate being able to play 'extracurricularly' they make sure I have what I need in terms of time with them and time alone. With three kids ranging from teens to infants in age this is a time management nightmare!

What I'm saying is they know it keeps me happy and satisfied so they WANT me involved with my toys. I need the outlet or I turn into a jealous raging she demon...and it's something that doesn't change apparently! Recently I had a serious UTI and couldn't have sex comfortably for over 9 days, though I controlled it Sigel could see my jealousy over his making a connection during that time and planning a play date. For us toys are a vital part of our sex life, but both guys know that THEY are my favorite sex toy. Often Sigel will toss a toy to the side and help me orgasm orally because it's easier, deeper and more satisfying.

If your poor mistreated guy (and he HAS a valid fear! He's already seen it happen.) can learn that in your eyes NOTHING can replace him he will calm down and learn to enjoy playing WITH you. Still he has to learn to trust you, but as long as you are there for the long haul he CAN learn to trust you. Keep playing with toys and seeking him out, the more you orgasm the more you are going to WANT to orgasm it's how we are designed as women. less

Something I learned from my own marriage -

IT'S NOT YOU. This is obviously HIS problem, and he is unwilling to deal with it himself, so he punishes you for it.

I had to divorce my husband because of his unwillingness to work on 'us' and his need to blame me for his own inadequacies (including sexual). I hope it doesn't lead to that for you. Get him to talking, get a professional if you need to ... but it's also ultimately up to him if he wants to work on his sexual security or not.

I wish you lots of luck. less

I've had similar issues with my marriage also, and I've found that the reasons behind my wife's insecurity are very valid. True, she is acting in a jealous way, but jealousy is often the result of a person feeling neglected or left out. If I didn't address that then I'd be a thoughtless fool. You should address your husband's feelings directly. I agree that you shouldn't have to throw your toys out completely. But he is your partner and as such an equal player in your life. The best thing you can do is compromise. less

I knew he didn't like them from the moment we started dating. And he knew I did. At first he actually took my toys away from me which I actually found hot and sexy for a little while but eventually I found them and put them back in their home in my nightstand.

So now here we are married for 2 years and not only have I started doing reviews for Eden but also sell products through another company. So of course my collection has grown. I don't flaunt them or tell the hubby about every toy I get but I guess he checks in on them and sees the collection growing. I am a grown woman and see no reason to hide my toys or pretend that I don't like them but now it is starting to cause problems. He threatens to throw them away or accuses me of liking them more than I like him which is ridiculous. We have sex often and it is great! But he works nights which leaves a lot of time alone.

I understand that it is possibly an insecurity but I don't know what to do. I would be VERY unhappy without my toys and even more unhappy without him. And I hate him not being happy but I just don't get why he wants to pick THIS to be unhappy about. I've tried introducing the toys slowly. And even attempted to start off with massage oils and candles and such. No luck. It was like he was so uncomfortable that it took away all the pleasure.

Should I hide my toys? Get rid of them? Tell him to shove off and deal with it? It seems silly for him to have this reaction but then again it seems silly for me to fight so hard for them.... less

It sounds like he is carrying over feelings about sex toys from his past relationship and perhaps fears that they will replace him. Sounds like he has insecurity issues and is acting possessive when he takes your toys away. Maybe you two need some counseling to work through this but you shouldn't be so quick to file for divorce without doing everything to save the relationship first. I don't know why he wants to hold your orgasms hostage but don't feel guilty about pleasuring yourself. My partner is suffering from kidney disease and has absolutely no libido- so i use toys for stress relief and sanity. Masturbating is not cheating and neither is a piece of silicone, his fears are irrational and hopefully he will realize this. less

I knew he didn't like them from the moment we started dating. And he knew I did. At first he actually took my toys away from me which I actually found hot and sexy for a little while but eventually I found them and put them back in their home in my nightstand.

So now here we are married for 2 years and not only have I started doing reviews for Eden but also sell products through another company. So of course my collection has grown. I don't flaunt them or tell the hubby about every toy I get but I guess he checks in on them and sees the collection growing. I am a grown woman and see no reason to hide my toys or pretend that I don't like them but now it is starting to cause problems. He threatens to throw them away or accuses me of liking them more than I like him which is ridiculous. We have sex often and it is great! But he works nights which leaves a lot of time alone.

I understand that it is possibly an insecurity but I don't know what to do. I would be VERY unhappy without my toys and even more unhappy without him. And I hate him not being happy but I just don't get why he wants to pick THIS to be unhappy about. I've tried introducing the toys slowly. And even attempted to start off with massage oils and candles and such. No luck. It was like he was so uncomfortable that it took away all the pleasure.

Should I hide my toys? Get rid of them? Tell him to shove off and deal with it? It seems silly for him to have this reaction but then again it seems silly for me to fight so hard for them.... less

Oh it was years ago when he took them away. And he probably didn't throw them out because he knew I would kill him. lol. It was when he moved in with me that I got them back and I have had them and added to them since then.

It's just so contradictory ...he is a very self confident man. Doesn't take any crap off of anyone and is all man...until it comes to this.

I do think it is carried over baggage from the ex though and that is what I have to work on. Although I don't feel like I should and he should just leave that where it is..the past but overall he is a great loving husband and father. And God knows he puts up with a lot more from me!! lol less

Coming from a guy, I really don't understand how a guy wouldn't want his girl masturbating and using toys all the time. To me that makes like the perfect girl. Hell with doing dishes or housework of some sort, use toys all day and take pictures of it or something, and I will switch to take out and clean my own damn house. Keep doing what your doing, if you let him take away your toys you will just be mad at him the rest of your relationship. I am still dumbfounded by the fact that he wouldn't want to see you pleasuring yourself, he has found the holy grail and he doesn't appreciate it. I will now step off my soapbox. less