A tiny bit of background: We've been married for just 3 years, together for 4. We have two toddler boys and I have also have children from my first marriage. Our marriage has been failing since before it started. He was nice to me until we bought a house together and I was pregnant with our first. I've gotten numb as far as my feelings for him. A few reasons: he was talking/texting with his ex wife behind my back and lying to me, but doesn't have time to text me; he tried to help her by co-signing to get a car loan for her (didn't go through); his family is mean and rude to me and he lets them, has never stood up for me and never will; and he is mean and hateful to me unless I go along with everything he says and don't have an opposing thought, opinion or feeling (or at least keep it bottled up).
Okay, so now on to last night. He has been mad at me (what else is new) and sleeping in our boys' room for the past couple nights. I'm stressed. Our sex life has been practically non-existant - I can't make myself want to anymore, so I avoid it as much as possible. There's no emotional bond there anymore, which is what I need. And physically, he's rough and sloppy and repetitive and boring. We have toys and have used toys and he seemed fine with them, even with me using vibrators or whatever on myself while we were intimate. The toys are in a drawer in the nightstand right beside our bed. I just got an Eroscillator a few weeks ago. Only got to use it a couple times, want to do a review on it, but wanted to try it more first and obviously trying it with him isnt' happening. So I waited til I thought he went to sleep, plugged it in and he walked in. I dropped it and it went between the bed and stand. He somehow knew that's what I was up to and totally flipped out. He came back in a couple more times yelling til he determined what toy I had out and completely just said everything he could to make me feel like the biggest idiot alive.
Some things he said:
I'm a "info" - He meant nympho - he's not the brightest crayon in the box.
I'm disgusting (said this NUMEROUS times).
This is the only reason I wanted toys - I'm sick (also called me that a number of times) because I wait til no one is around and then &^%* with myself.
He's going to tell my mother about my toys and what I do (I'm in my late 30's for Heaven's sake).
I'm a hypocrite because I go to church (and I guess Christian's don't do stuff like that). He denies that he ever does, like I'm stupid.
He should break it - he did throw it, but it didn't break.
Everything that is wrong with our marriage is my fault.
I know I'm going to throw away all the stuff we never use - including books I had bought to try and help out. I'll keep the few items that I really like and box them up and put them somewhere. The thought of being around him makes me literally nauseaus.
He made me feel like the lowest, most disgusting pervert on the planet. Plus he was standing in the doorway and my daughter's room is right there and I know she could hear everything he said (she's 11 so had to have some idea of what he was talking about). I am so embarrassed. How in the world do I handle it because I can't even look him in the face now. I really just feel like I hate him and there is no hope for things to ever get better and I'm totally stuck. I don't know what to do...