Is There Hope, or am I Wasting My Time?

Thank you. The fact is, there are few advantages to being older...but one of them is, at least, experience. I happen to have ended up in a very great marriage and also have a large circle of friends and acquaintances. As such I have seen the marriages that burn bright, then flame out, the ones that succeed and the ones that crash on the rocks. There are some basic common factors that appear over and over in these scenarios. I am just sharing bits of advice I have seen work over and over in many relationships!

There you go Stormy. That too is very great, sage advice!!! I agree fully with your take there. I think his wife is thinking that he is putting too much drama into the situation. However, in many relationships one person is more "passionate" or "open" then the other, and so she may be less "dramatic" about the events going on, but I hope she isn't blind to the fact she is losing her husband.

Glad to hear she is listening.

I can definitely identify. My wife and I have our ups and downs, but in the most frustrating times, I too have wondered if we'd both be better off going outside the marriage. It's a very strange thought--your wife with someone else--but you relieved at the thought that she's finally enjoying it. I've been there, and it's a strange and confusing headspace.

For some people it's a kind of kinky thought, but for others, I think it speaks to the love we feel for our wives and our desperation to improve the situation. Maybe it's also a little bit about soothing the guilt over thinking about how nice it would be to have sex with someone (else) who's as into it as you are.

I think this situation is fairly common. The women all talk about it with each other, so they think it's normal and don't worry about it. In my experience, guys don't usually talk about these things with their friends until they're about to get a divorce. Guys just aren't as good at supporting each other emotionally.

Good luck, and keep trying to make it work. Focus on the big picture and be patient. A lot can change between 30 and 40. Having a 2 year old isn't easy on anyone...

Thanks for sharing EastCoast! I don't have any answers, but a few thoughts and comments:

I don't know where women learn this quota system, but it makes sex transactional and destroys relationships by removing the element of chemistry. It also causes PE. PE is seldom a concern for a guy who is getting it every day. Then you get cut back to once a week and the anxiety creeps in. I've had this problem too, but I've found it helps a lot if I masturbate regularly.

I also got a Vixskin Mustang, which is almost identical to my dick. I've used it a few times when I was taking a cool down break, and it works well. She thought it was a little sketchy at first, but she's coming around. Hide it under a pillow and ask for forgiveness if you have to. I really have to back off when we use the magic wand, so I just tried some Promescent. It works great and lets you go after it even when her whole vag is vibrating, which is a pretty awesome feeling. Lastly, we seem to have the best sex in the morning or afternoon. It takes some planning, but the results are better when nobody is tired. Being tired makes me get off faster and her get off slower, which puts us out of sync.

Keep trying the wand. It helps my wife have earth-shaking orgasms, which I'm hoping will make sex more goal-oriented for her. If it's too much, try the Gee Whizzard. It reduces the strength and opens up some awesome DP possibilities. My wife kind of dismissed the wand at first, and it sat in our gunsafe for years. Then after I got the Gee Whizzard, we tried it again with great results. During one crazy session, we did a DVP with the Gee Whizzard. I'll spare you the details, but ever since then, she hasn't turned down the wand, and she's even asked for it a few times. When possible, I get it out and ready before we get started.

I don't know why our women don't seem as interested in "spicing it up" as we do. They're probably afraid to hurt our feelings, or maybe they just don't have the same needs. My wife could go a month without sex and be perfectly happy. If I could have 3 huge orgasms in one session with my spouse and the magic wand, I'd do it every day.

So as you can tell, my strategy has been to make sex as pleasurable as possible for her. It's depressing when the sex is better and she seems to be having more and bigger orgasms, but that doesn't translate into any additional motivation or interest. That's what makes me personally feel a bit hopeless. The answer probably makes perfect sense to women, but no sense to men: She's happy having vanilla sex, and even though the thrill is gone, she doesn't want it to get any better. She just wants to give you the bare minimum to keep you around.

I don't know how to respond to that other than making it as good as possible. It's almost like some ingrained biological response to a long-term relationship. But that's another topic, and I've already said too much...