Do you ever withold sex as "punishment"?

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Do you ever withold sex as "punishment"?

BoomersGirl BoomersGirl
I try not to, but I admit when I'm mad sometimes, I avoid it hoping it will upset him even more. Although "usually" I would if he approached me to, but he seems to know when not to bother.
07/08/2010
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fatesrelease fatesrelease
Not as a punishment but if I feel that my partner and I are having communication issues, and we are not getting along like normal I won't feel as motivated to have sex. It's a very personal time and if you are not 100% satisfied with how things are with your partner you shouldn't push yourself to do things.
07/08/2010
BoomersGirl BoomersGirl
Quote:
Originally posted by fatesrelease
Not as a punishment but if I feel that my partner and I are having communication issues, and we are not getting along like normal I won't feel as motivated to have sex. It's a very personal time and if you are not 100% satisfied with how ...
Great point! That's how I feel, too. I think for a lot of women, sex is more for emotional intimacy and bonding and if the emotional part is absent at the time being, we don't really feel motivated to have sex.
07/08/2010
John & Jane John & Jane
We just had a discussion about this. Several years ago, we made a commitment (re-commitment) to each other that we weren't going to let the "parenthood blues" take over our sex lives and we have made a lot of headway in making sure that doesn't happen. One of the things that we agreed on is that we are going to be a lot more open about our sexual relationship with our closest friends.

So, the other night we had some friends over to let our kids play together. There was a dispute about the after dinner festivities. Nothing sexual, mind you. The "girls" wanted to play Trivial Pursuit while we "guys" were living vicariously by playing football on the PlayStation.

It was an innocent enough conversation, but our guest jokingly made the comment, "Oooh, I know who's not getting any tonight!" (meaning me, John, of course). I expected my wife to say, "No, I don't use sex as a punishment, because I love it too much!" or something to that effect, but she just let the moment pass.

I was actually very upset about this. We talked about it and she agreed that there was a way to stay Sex Positive without coming off as "preachy" to our guests.

Neither sex (nor the withholding of it) is a punishment in our house!
07/08/2010
Alicia Alicia
Well, I've never held back as a punishment, but if I am mad about something it's just not going to happen. We haven't ever had an issue that hasn't been resolved within a day though, so once it's resolved then we'll usually have sex for sure that night as a way to reconnect.

I have to say though that I've never really understood the whole withholding as punishment thing though. If you're mad, you're mad. If you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood. Unless you're teasing and then saying "no, not until you _____" then I don't see it as being held back as a punishment. It just seems to make sense that unless you're happy you're not going to want it.
07/08/2010
Blinker Blinker
Absolutely not. Withholding sex as punishment is akin to game-playing. Most of the time women hold their feelings in and pout and hope the husband or boyfriend gets the message, but guys don't work that way. They need to know you're upset and why, in order to work things out.

Besides, if you withhold sex as punishment, they're just going to watch porn and get off anyway so you aren't depriving them of anything.

It's abhorrent behaviour.
07/08/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by BoomersGirl
I try not to, but I admit when I'm mad sometimes, I avoid it hoping it will upset him even more. Although "usually" I would if he approached me to, but he seems to know when not to bother.
NEVER! Why punish myself because I'm mad at him?

No, really, even when the kids were little and my sex drive was a little smaller, I never "withheld" sex, as I think it's really manipulative. If I'm angry at him, he's gonna find out but in an honest way. I'm going to TELL him. He's an adult man, and it is NOT up to me to reprimand or use manipulation to "punish" because we haven't talked about things that should be talked about.

My Mother is a very controlling, passive-aggressive woman, living with her was hell, and she drove my father away with stuff like this. I learned what "not to do" very young.

I swore when I got into relationships, two things I would never do was to nag and to manipulate. I think I've done pretty good at avoiding both of them.

I had a friend (ex-friend, now) who used to publicly tell her husband, when she was angry, "You're cut off, you asshole." and it was such a mean, humiliating thing for her to do to him. I would never do anything like that, in public or private to My Man.

We try really hard not to manipulate each other in any way. We've been together for decades, while my "you're cut off" type friends have either emotionally or actually broken up. The aforesaid woman and her husband now sleep in separate bedrooms, actually have separate "Living rooms" to spend the evening in, and are never seen together, despite, for whatever reason, remaining legally married. I'll never understand that kind of relationship. But, I think the whole "you're cut off" thing was a symptom of an unhealthy relationship in the first place.
07/10/2010
El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
NEVER! Why punish myself because I'm mad at him?

No, really, even when the kids were little and my sex drive was a little smaller, I never "withheld" sex, as I think it's really manipulative. If I'm angry at him, ...
I agree with both Blinker and P'Gell.

Withholding sex is bad enough, announcing is worse, publicly announcing it is the worst! Sure, it's kinda funny in context, but that's it.

Withholding sex is very manipulative and is not going to solve anything!

If there's a problem, you talk about it. Men are no different than women in the field of mind-reading...neither gender can do it!
07/10/2010
Tuesday Tuesday
Never. Its best if the consequences you impose for husbandly transgressions aren't punishments for yourself.
07/10/2010
Sir Sir
I do withhold sex as punishment sometimes, but that's due to the dynamic of our relationship. And honestly, I see nothing wrong with it in a relationship that DOESN'T have our dynamic. If someone did something wrong enough to upset you so much that you do not want to have sex, then you shouldn't be having sex and should instead be working things out.
07/10/2010
El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
I do withhold sex as punishment sometimes, but that's due to the dynamic of our relationship. And honestly, I see nothing wrong with it in a relationship that DOESN'T have our dynamic. If someone did something wrong enough to upset you so ...
I think you're agreeing with what other people said, just from a different direction...Communicat ion is key!
07/10/2010
El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I think you're agreeing with what other people said, just from a different direction...Communicat ion is key!
ok, weird spacing from the forum...
07/10/2010
Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I think you're agreeing with what other people said, just from a different direction...Communicat ion is key!
I am, most likely. I have not really read the responses to know. HAHA!!!!
07/10/2010
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I wish I had something to add - I agree with all the posts. Withholding sex punishes you - so maybe the masochists out there like it - but not me!
07/10/2010
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Blinker
Absolutely not. Withholding sex as punishment is akin to game-playing. Most of the time women hold their feelings in and pout and hope the husband or boyfriend gets the message, but guys don't work that way. They need to know you're upset and ...
I absolutely agree! That is exactly how I feel about it.

It is manipulative and deprives you of pleasure as well. Sometimes I am just not in the mood because of being angry, but I don't withhold the affection on purpose as punishment.
07/10/2010
PassionQT PassionQT
Never as punishment. He's such a sweetie. I just withhold because I'm not in the mood.
07/10/2010
Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
NEVER! Why punish myself because I'm mad at him?

No, really, even when the kids were little and my sex drive was a little smaller, I never "withheld" sex, as I think it's really manipulative. If I'm angry at him, ...
I agree 100%, and for all the same reasons.
07/11/2010
Jul!a Jul!a
I don't withhold as a punishment specifically because I'm angry, but if I'm angry I'm not in the mood, lol
07/12/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
I do withhold sex as punishment sometimes, but that's due to the dynamic of our relationship. And honestly, I see nothing wrong with it in a relationship that DOESN'T have our dynamic. If someone did something wrong enough to upset you so ...
Sir, I understand that if we're on the Outs, sometimes we just don't FEEL like having sex until we've resolved the problem. (With us, it rarely lasts more than 24 hours.) IMO, that's really different than the "You're cut off, asshole!!" thing. One is simply NOT wanting to have sex, because you two are upset with each other and the sex might not be honest, and the other is a planned manipulation to hurt the partner by "withholding" sex. Two different things.

Are you saying that you simply don't WANT sex when you are upset with your woman? That's certainly understandable, at least until you talk it out, get to the root of the problem say your "Sorrys" and THEN get it on....
.
.
07/13/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
NEVER! Why punish myself because I'm mad at him?

No, really, even when the kids were little and my sex drive was a little smaller, I never "withheld" sex, as I think it's really manipulative. If I'm angry at him, ...
GAAAH seperate apartments int he same house? Just plain creepy to me, and sad so very sad.
The worst thing I've ever said in public to either guy is "Mmmmmhmmm keep it up and you'll eventually learn to love that couch..." but they know that I won't say no just cause I'm butthurt (unless my butt is hurting).
My parents used with holding intimacy and sex as a punishment and I watched it tear them apart...Sigel and I decided after watching them that we'd do things differently. Arch simply won't tolerate it, he knows I want him no matter how angry I am. He also knows that I crave intimacy after an argument and sex then cuddling is a great way to reconnect. Besides we all three get too damn horny with the adrenaline rush stirred up by arguing....
07/17/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
ok, weird spacing from the forum...
Nope Communicat ion IS the key....
07/17/2010
Red Vinyl Kitty Red Vinyl Kitty
Sort of along the same lines that Sir is mentioning, I never withhold sex, but my husband sometimes witholds it from *me* as a punishment. It is just teh dynamic and nature of our relationship. It's a pretty rare happening for us though, luckily.
07/17/2010
Envy Envy
I've said it a few times just to see the reaction and the look on the face of my bf, it's too cute, lol.
07/17/2010
SexyySarah SexyySarah
LOL, I don't think so, but I've never done it on purpose if I have! Now, I've been mad and obviously not in the mood, but sometimes it heals those kind of situations!
07/17/2010
Lady Venus Lady Venus
Not purposely. But make up sex is just so damn gooooood!
07/17/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
GAAAH seperate apartments int he same house? Just plain creepy to me, and sad so very sad.
The worst thing I've ever said in public to either guy is "Mmmmmhmmm keep it up and you'll eventually learn to love that couch..." but ...
Yeah, I can't imagine what these people's kids are learning growing up or about BEING grown ups. Lotsa therapy and sadness in their boys' lives, I think. It's just SO dishonest. If they don't love each other, why stay together? I know she has some weird Personality Disorder Ideas about "what people are thinking" and there is so much dishonestly in their relationship. It's like a textbook case of "what not to do." My parents were not a great couple, either, but at last they had the cujones to break it off when it wasn't working.

I tease My Man, too, but like you, we're just too horny to let even anger deter us for long.
07/17/2010
♥ Amanda ♥ ♥ Amanda ♥
I tease about it, but never do it. What a terrible punishment. And like they say, Don't let your dog go barking up someone else tree if ya know what I mean.
07/17/2010
Midway through Midway through
I don't punish that way. I mean, if we're in the middle of a fight.. obviously we're not having sex, I'm pissed, duh. But like, if I'm holding a grudge? Nah
07/21/2010
HevansS HevansS
No.
Shoot. Most of the time when I'm upset, it just puts me in a good mood.
07/22/2010
Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Sir, I understand that if we're on the Outs, sometimes we just don't FEEL like having sex until we've resolved the problem. (With us, it rarely lasts more than 24 hours.) IMO, that's really different than the "You're cut off, ...
Sometimes I do not want sex when I am upset or aggravated, yes. That's correct, and most times, this is the case. Other times I do withhold it, as I mentioned, purposely. It's not manipulation at all, that is the dynamic and structure of the relationship. It's agreed upon.

There are times, however, when even if I do not want the sex, we will have sex to loosen up, and it makes us both much easier with communication since we're both loosened up and calmed down.
07/22/2010
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