Originally posted by
I'll devirginize this category.
I went straight from living at home to being married, and now I'm divorcing after ten years and have no clue on what being a single adult is. I spent the first six months in a FWB affair and crying a
I'll devirginize this category.
I went straight from living at home to being married, and now I'm divorcing after ten years and have no clue on what being a single adult is. I spent the first six months in a FWB affair and crying a lot. I'm impatient to get out of this grief process, which just makes it worse. So I'm chasing my tail a lot.
Any divorced folks or those out of long term relationships have stories to share?
I was living alone for the first time ever. It was awful. I tried going back to work, but I couldn't handle coming home to an empty house. I used to love to cook, but cooking for myself depressed the hell out of me. I spent a year sitting on the couch with the dog, no TV, no books, no music, just waiting for each day to end. Sadly, that's not an exaggeration. Year three was quieter, but lonely. My husband still supported me, still let me have full access to the bank account. My spending got worse, probably from trying to fill a void or some crap. My friends started coming to the conclusion I was too drugged up to want to be around; that's when I realized how bad it was. I ended year 3 still alone, and trying to quit popping the pills.
I succeeded with the pills around the beginning of year 4--by myself, the hard way; but I've never even been tempted to go back. Some of my friends saw me coming back and were happy; others...I still don't know. They've still never told me what I did that was so horrible it could ruin 10 years of friendship. I didn't hurt anyone; I was just fucked up for a year and a half. So I kicked the drugs, and my husband didn't come home because he said I spent too much. So I tried fixing that, too. It got better; I relapsed sometimes, but made some progress. I asked him what I had to do--I fixed the sex, I fixed the drugs; if I stopped spending and got a job, would he come back and try to rebuild? He told me loved me, he didn't see himself spending the rest of his life with her, but their relationship would have to end 'organically.'
Basically, nothing I did, or could do, would be 'enough.' When it ended he'd come back, maybe; but there was nothing I could do to make him give her up and come back to me and fight for our marriage. He claims it wasn't her; he said he saw himself growing old with me. But before her, we had some problems, but we never even discussed, mentioned, talked about spitting up. He never told me he was unhappy; on the contrary, he was always telling me how happy he was with me. I don't know what happened, honestly. It wasn't her, he said; he loved me more, he said. But he wouldn't give her up to try to save our marriage; I was fighting for it every day, but he only noticed the times I failed. I couldn't do 'enough' because he couldn't tell me what 'enough' was. He was still supporting me. It was now 4 years, he was supporting me, he'd been living with her and supporting me for 2, but he never asked me for a divorce. Last year, in the spring, he'd say things like "I don't want to be without you, but I don't know if I have a choice." Then, at the beginning of July, he filed for divorce. He didn't discuss it with me first; he didn't actually tell me in advance. He texted me on the way back. "I'm late for work because I had to go to Denton." "Why did you have to go to Denton?" "To file some papers." "To file what papers?" "I opened a case for a divorce proceeding." "You filed for divorce?" "No, I just opened a case; it's nothing set in stone." Even then, he couldn't even say it--text it!
I received an anonymous letter maybe 2 weeks later telling me the other woman was pregnant. Much confusion and turmoil ensued. He said he didn't know if it was his, he told me it was due 2 months later than she had told everybody...blah blah. I got a lawyer; he was pissed that I did, and he got one. The baby was born in September, and he's adorable. My husband's living with her and the baby; I'm still in our house with the dog. I'll be moving back to PA to live with my parents for awhile this month.
That's the Cliffs Notes version of my side of the story. I've tried to be fair, admitted when I screwed up, but I'm sure they'd each tell it differently. Every female who knew, including my in-laws, said the other woman 'played the baby card,' and that didn't require prompting from me. My anonymous informant sent me a thread this week where the other woman posted about getting medical help to get pregnant. I honestly don't think my husband knew; I know him, and I saw the terror on his face when he talked about it.
So, I gambled, and lost. I just don't know why, and that's what bugs me. The only person who seems happy is her. I know I'm sure as hell not; and I'm pretty sure my ex-husband isn't either. Why? What happened? I'm actually happy about the baby, because at least something good came from all this. But now it's over; and it doesn't seem to be what he wants.
I tried to give him time and space to think, to decide what he wanted. I don't think he expected the two of us to hold on so long; but neither one of us was letting go and making the decision for him. I had no reason; I still love him, and I did not, still do not, want my marriage to be over. I told him I wouldn't leave at the beginning, and I kept my promise. And I kept my integrity; I never caused her problems, never stooped to dirty tactics--I didn't let her make me a bad person. That was all I could do. I didn't give him an ultimatum, because that's no foundation for a marriage. I waited, so he could decide; and honestly, I had no better idea.
I don't know why he decided to file after 4 years. I hope it was his decision to not want to be with me; I don't know if it was. "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours; if it doesn't, it never was." ? or "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours; if it doesn't, it's girlfriend got knocked up." ?
So I'm 38, with a B.A. in English, no meaningful job experience, a little bit of money from the divorce, and I'm leaving a home in a city and state I love to move halfway across the country and back in with my parents. I've also never been a self-sufficient adult, and I have no clue where to start. In addition to the pain, the anger, the confusion, the frustration...there's the terror. I am truly terrified. I don't know how to do this. People tell me I can, but I don't know how, and I don't always believe them. There are days I don't want to--but my parents don't deserve that kind of tragedy in their lives.
For all our problems and faults, my husband was a wonderful husband in the important ways for many years. He treated me well. I didn't want this. But sometimes doing your best, trying your hardest just isn't enough, I guess. I'm trying to stop asking "why?" or wondering what I could have done; that way lies madness. I'm trying to accept there are some things I'll just never be able to understand, and live without those answers.
You started this thread 5 months ago. I hope things are better for you. I hope they'll be better for me 5 months from now. I usually don't feel like it, but I try to have hope. With change comes possibility, I guess.
I don't have advice, experience, wisdom on this subject. I'm looking for it, if anything useful even exists. When you didn't want out, when there is only loss and no gain for you, when your marriage was the most precious thing in the world to you...how do you cope? IS there anything besides looking down at your feet and taking one careful step at a time, hoping one day the footing won't be as treacherous and you'll be able to look up again, look ahead? I don't know yet. I'm definitely not there. I hate this; every aspect of it; there is nothing about this that is right or good. It's an abomination. But it's my life now. At least, for now. I try not to be bitter, try not to hate, try not to lose faith; but I'm so, so sad. So much is lost.
Divorce, to me, is Hell. I pray to God it's not this hard on everybody.