Should I forgive my housemate?

LoganAshlee. LoganAshlee.
My housemate who is a really close friend has recently been getting close to my ex despite me and my ex agreeing we would work through things and start dating again.

I have accepted that me and my ex are never going to get together, but should I forgive my housemate for staying his all the time/cuddling up to him in front of me/insisting on staying his all the time.

Should I forgive her?
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
Yes
bog , Loriandhubby , souviet
3  (5%)
No
tami , Cindi025 , Marie Hanna , ShadowedSeductress , Wicked Wahine , AliMc , Kissaki , kendra30752 , deltalima , ozzy1313 , BlooJay , Mrs.Tee , Happyinmypants , GONE! , darthkitt3n , mpfm , CaseyDeuce , ginnyluvspotter , novanilla , LexiKitten , sexynola , xOhxSoxScandalousx , PeaceToTheMiddleEast , SourAppleMartini , Kallina , sunflower , Rokmai , rosythorn , ChubbyNerd , Cosmonaut , TJtheMadHatter , SelectZen , GonetoLovehoney , Noelle , Nymaya , melliegirl , ViVix , BrittaniMaree , Undiscovered , gothikstars , JackRaiden , zaftigzoo , ben12 , Isola , HannahPanda , ~*Damia*~ , konicaguy , gatewayer57@yahoo.com , Holly Wood , JBeth , RonLee , HappyInNJ , Adnerbmw , Miaever
54  (83%)
Other
LoganAshlee. , ImaGodiva , rihanne , spiced , woodsdragon , justme1236 , Real or memorex , vanillaSpice
8  (12%)
Total votes: 65
Poll is closed
02/25/2013
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Chilipepper Chilipepper
Sounds like you need a better class of housemate. Start advertising for a non-drama one.
02/25/2013
tami tami
Quote:
Originally posted by LoganAshlee.
My housemate who is a really close friend has recently been getting close to my ex despite me and my ex agreeing we would work through things and start dating again.

I have accepted that me and my ex are never going to get together, but should ... More
she should not be doing this to you with him, and neither should he... If it was me I would be getting a new house mate and working on a new relationship. Get out and get busy doing something that will give you a distraction and have some fun.
02/25/2013
Marie Hanna Marie Hanna
No. She is just trying to start drama.
02/25/2013
ImaGodiva ImaGodiva
Here are my 2 cents' worth, assuming there are no kids involved or other reason that you need to stay close to your ex):

You say you and your ex agreed to try to work things out, but then you say you accept that you won't be together again, so I assume that relationship is officially over. If that is the case then I think it's fair for your ex to decide who he wants to date. It sounds like you have unresolved feelings and a good counselor could help you out with that, and you definitely should see someone if you feel angry/violent, depressed, or feel like you can't move on.

Assuming you have a handle on all that, the issue is your roommate. If a relationship is starting between them, it shouldn't happen in front of you. Your roommate/"friend" should have enough respect for you to either consider your ex off-limits, or at least find other living arrangements before starting something with your ex. I recognize that people can fall for someone regardless of how awkward the circumstances are, but you shouldn't have to live with something like that going on in your residence. If I were you, I would consider finding another roommate if this doesn't stop, and then later when feelings aren't so strong you can decide if you want to continue the friendship.

Should you forgive them? If they are respectful and don't flaunt a relationship in front of you or continue it in your house, then there's nothing to forgive, although it is understandable that you might have hurt feelings and you should find some help dealing with them. If they will not show you that respect, kick them both to the curb and move on. Still no forgiveness necessary, unless you decide down the road that you can live with their relationship and be friends.

I think this is a pretty common situation so you shouldn't feel alone or like you're the only person who has gone through this. It's great that you're talking about it here, and I hope you have other 'real-world' people you can talk to also.

Good luck.
02/25/2013
LoganAshlee. LoganAshlee.
Thanks for your replies. I am stuck living with her until July and I just think I will avoid her. We used to spend all day, everyday together but I don't think I can overlook this.

(I can't change roommate's because it's a houseshare so nothing can be done until our contracts end until July)
02/25/2013
kendra30752 kendra30752
Quote:
Originally posted by LoganAshlee.
My housemate who is a really close friend has recently been getting close to my ex despite me and my ex agreeing we would work through things and start dating again.

I have accepted that me and my ex are never going to get together, but should ... More
Oh no! I'm sorry to hear that.

Honestly, I would be upset. You asked should you forgive her.... Has she apologized and promised to step back?

I assume she knows that you and your ex were working through things & in that case, I personally would feel a bit betrayed in that situation. Also, it seems like a sort of unhealthy situation in other ways because if it's your roommate & you're planning to have any kind of future with this person, it sounds like having a roommate who's crossing the line would really make the relationship strained.

Is your ex okay with your housemate crossing this line? That's one thing to consider. Have you said anything to the ex? I personally would be questioning both of their loyalty. If the ex didn't stand up and say something, even just "whoa! That's a little too much." Then it'd be hard to feel like I could really trust them.

Point is: every single person knows the line. There's a line that is not invisible and single or not, flirty or not, everybody knows where that line is and if they cross it, they know it. You don't just buddy up to your friend's ex/possible partner with only friendly intentions. In fact, you don't snuggle up to anybody who's not 100% single. You keep a distance. You be friends, you be friendly, you conversate, but you keep a distance between the two of you. This is how I live anyway. I mean, I'm close with all my family members and my friends and their partners and I will talk, but only in the same room with their partner. I am careful, and that is how a friend should be with your partner.

Anyways, I'd just try to be calm and think about who is doing what and who is trustworthy. The ex? the roommate? Neither? It'd also be a good idea to recall why it is you guys broke up to begin with... Sometimes that's your answer.

If you definitely plan on getting into a relationship with this person then you pretty much have to set boundaries with this housemate. And it wouldn't be a bad idea to ask your ex how they feel about the person snuggling up to them & try to figure out if they respect you. Maybe they want no part of this housemate, but don't want to cause a scene by confronting them? If you make it known that the situation is not working for you, then you all may be able to work through it. Maybe tell him that you'd prefer putting it off (getting exclusive) for the time being because you feel there's a line crossed between your housemate and your ex. That seems like a good way to figure out where the ex stands in it, and a good way to bring it up? Maybe.

All I know is you can't sit around and be with someone when you have a HOUSEmate who won't stop crossing the line. That's just a disaster and too much for one person to have to deal with (I've been there.) unless it didn't bother you, and it's understandable that it does.

When I went through a similar situation (only this was my year long partner we were not split and it was a family member crossing the line) HE's the one who stood up and said he's uncomfortable with the way she was acting towards him & we talked about it & his solution was to ignore her and refuse to be around to give her any attention at all that way she'd see she's getting nowhere. It works and we have to be around her still, but it's much more comfortable now.

So you probably have to say something at some point.

Hope it works out well for you. Sorry you're dealing with this. I know you must feel a bit hurt by the housemate, especially if you were close friends.
02/25/2013
deltalima deltalima
Quote:
Originally posted by LoganAshlee.
My housemate who is a really close friend has recently been getting close to my ex despite me and my ex agreeing we would work through things and start dating again.

I have accepted that me and my ex are never going to get together, but should ... More
If you've accepted that you're not getting back together, why did you agree to work things through and date again?
02/25/2013
bog bog
Quote:
Originally posted by LoganAshlee.
My housemate who is a really close friend has recently been getting close to my ex despite me and my ex agreeing we would work through things and start dating again.

I have accepted that me and my ex are never going to get together, but should ... More
Always better for YOU to forgive. People who don't forgive die young from stress.

Whether or not you should continue to live with her is an ENTIRELY different story.
02/25/2013
rihanne rihanne
Quote:
Originally posted by LoganAshlee.
My housemate who is a really close friend has recently been getting close to my ex despite me and my ex agreeing we would work through things and start dating again.

I have accepted that me and my ex are never going to get together, but should ... More
tell her the truth.
02/25/2013
LoganAshlee. LoganAshlee.
Quote:
Originally posted by deltalima
If you've accepted that you're not getting back together, why did you agree to work things through and date again?
I have NOW accepted that we are not going to get back together. Up until I found them in bed together, we were really close again.
02/25/2013
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by LoganAshlee.
I have NOW accepted that we are not going to get back together. Up until I found them in bed together, we were really close again.
Yowch!!! What an awful thing to walk in to!

That's beyond being rude, it's backstabbing. Too bad you can't get out sooner than July.
02/25/2013
BlooJay BlooJay
I think it's shady.
02/25/2013
spiced spiced
Since this situation is ongoing, I don't think forgiveness is even a consideration at this point. Right now, what's important is finding a way to make this sucky situation workable until you can get out of the situation. If you can make it work by avoiding her, fine.

In general, I forgive easily - but I don't forget. Fool me once and all that.
02/25/2013
Mrs.Tee Mrs.Tee
Quote:
Originally posted by LoganAshlee.
My housemate who is a really close friend has recently been getting close to my ex despite me and my ex agreeing we would work through things and start dating again.

I have accepted that me and my ex are never going to get together, but should ... More
I dont think that I could accept that, its more of a matter of respect and it seems as though your house mate doesnt have that at all
02/25/2013
Happyinmypants Happyinmypants
I wouldn't
02/25/2013
GONE! GONE!
Hell no I wouldn't. But that's just me.
02/25/2013
woodsdragon woodsdragon
I have a similar situation...while I forgave the person, our friendship was never the same (pretty much destroyed actually). We also stopped living together
02/27/2013
LoganAshlee. LoganAshlee.
Thanks for all your help! I am not going to start hanging out with her or acknowledging her existence really. I will be polite when we see each other around the house but I do not want to hang out with her. She knew that my friendship was rocky with me ex a couple weeks ago... I found it really hard to be around him and not be his girlfriend, but one night out she convinced me to ask him to come out with us, and I said okay and 2 weeks later she has done this. She knew how hard it was for me to even see him again. Stupid girl really, because we had such a good friendship. I am done with her now!
02/27/2013
souviet souviet
Quote:
Originally posted by LoganAshlee.
My housemate who is a really close friend has recently been getting close to my ex despite me and my ex agreeing we would work through things and start dating again.

I have accepted that me and my ex are never going to get together, but should ... More
yes. it's silly to get wound up over this.
02/27/2013
LoganAshlee. LoganAshlee.
How is it silly?!
02/28/2013
CaseyDeuce CaseyDeuce
Your housemate is crossing a friendship boundary line that they shouldn't cross, regardless of whether or not your ex and you are planning on making things work or not.
02/28/2013
ginnyluvspotter ginnyluvspotter
I would kick the housemate out that's messed up
02/28/2013
LoganAshlee. LoganAshlee.
He's now having a go at me when I asked him to stop texting me, to delete my number and not come in my house.

Last night he went out with her and THEY woke me up at 5am talking.

I found a text inviting me out with THEM. I'm so mad right now.

Apparently I have no reason to be annoyed.
03/01/2013
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by LoganAshlee.
He's now having a go at me when I asked him to stop texting me, to delete my number and not come in my house.

Last night he went out with her and THEY woke me up at 5am talking.

I found a text inviting me out with THEM. I'm so ... More
You have every reason to be annoyed - they're bugging the fuck out of you on purpose.

May I suggest this link item? You deserve some entertainment at their expense at this point for them being smegheads to you. You may even be able to get rid of her this way ...
03/01/2013
novanilla novanilla
If you and your ex were planning to work something out or you still had feelings for them, that's not okay for a friend to step in like that. If you guys had talked about it or it was clear you had no interest in your ex anymore then it would be okay.
03/01/2013
LexiKitten LexiKitten
Major violation of friend code. You NEVER do that.
03/01/2013
sexynola sexynola
Quote:
Originally posted by LoganAshlee.
My housemate who is a really close friend has recently been getting close to my ex despite me and my ex agreeing we would work through things and start dating again.

I have accepted that me and my ex are never going to get together, but should ... More
should look into a new roomate
03/01/2013
spiced spiced
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
You have every reason to be annoyed - they're bugging the fuck out of you on purpose.

May I suggest this link item? You deserve some entertainment at their expense at this point for them being smegheads to you. You may even be able to get ... More
I like the way you think!
03/02/2013
xOhxSoxScandalousx xOhxSoxScandalousx
Very rude of her. I would not be cool with my friend if she did that to me.
03/04/2013
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Total posts: 45
Unique posters: 37