Toy as a gift for a recently widowed friend?

P'Gell P'Gell
One of my closest friends was recently widowed (lung cancer, horrible.) We have been friends for ages and I know she has a high sex drive, I also know her man and she hadn't had sex in a long time, due to him being so sick.

I would love to get her a vibe or a wand vibrator for Christmas, but I don't know if I should just do it, ask first, wait (he's only been gone a few weeks) or what?
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
Go ahead but tell her first.
Just get her a vibe
Wait. It's too soon.
El-Jaro , Moein , popples , Sapphire Pet , Lummox , ToyingCouple , NuMe , Alan & Michele , ichwillwaffels , Fuck it. , Howells , spineyogurt , gloomybear , BlooJay , mistre$$ , Azule , MistressDandelion
17  (22%)
Talk to the woman and see (too late for Christmas, I guess.)
Sir , Jul!a , ToyTimeTim , Airen Wolf , married with children , Jobthingy , Kindred , Hot'n'Bothered , Envy , leatherlover , V.T.T , Darling Jen , Miss Morphine , ToyGeek , cherryredhead88 , BBW Talks Toys , Danielle915 , Persephone Nightmare , darthkitt3n , Bunnycups , Waterfall , Tart , seaofneptune , Jemztone , Angel deSanguine , BluePixi , toxie m , Miss T , pinkcupcakes , Alura Une , DeliciousSurprise , dv8 , Devz , The Mother of a SiNner , big b , lanky , daniel and frances , SexyLilPixi , samanthalynn , Caus , Anastasia Beaverhousen , Hibangel , tinadice , Stagger13 , Alyxx , GONE! , petname , Gone (LD29) , BiJess
49  (63%)
Don't do it at all.
Kdlips , jc123
2  (3%)
The ubliquitous "other." Explain.
PussyGalore , Yoda , Jessica Elizabeth , Gunsmoke , Carrie Ann , Lady Neshamah , namelesschaos , Emma (Girl With Fire) , Selective Sensualist , *HisMrs*
10  (13%)
Total votes: 78
Poll is closed
12/21/2010
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Sir Sir
I would say to talk to her. You may give her a lot of heartache by doing it spontaneously, so I would say that a discussion would be the best course of action. Right now, her heart is probably very fragile, so you'll want to be careful.
12/21/2010
PussyGalore PussyGalore
Convert some of your points for a gift card or purchase a gift card? I think the sentiment would be appreciated but as you very well know, each toy is different for each person. I think it would be a bit of a bummer on top of a tragedy for her to get something she didn't enjoy. Regardless of how much my friends and I talk about sex and our sex lives or what we've announced is in our toy box, I wouldn't trust myself nor them to pick out something for the other, respectively.

What I did when a friend wanted something new to try, I took her to the local store and showed her around. She could ask questions and got knowledgable answers in return without embarrassment. Maybe try this?
12/21/2010
ToyTimeTim ToyTimeTim
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
I would say to talk to her. You may give her a lot of heartache by doing it spontaneously, so I would say that a discussion would be the best course of action. Right now, her heart is probably very fragile, so you'll want to be careful.
I agree.

If nothing else maybe bring up the subject and see how it goes from there. A bit of caution is in order here.
12/21/2010
Jobthingy Jobthingy
Yup, talk to her. See if that is something she would like. Maybe have a gift card code ready to toss at her?
12/21/2010
Yoda Yoda
Why not drop some hints, or ask vaguely how she is feeling in the hormone department. I may be that she is desperate for some release, but also feeling a measure of guilt about it. Tread carefully, but also be bold.
12/21/2010
Kindred Kindred
I would agree with talking to her first. She may not be ready emotionally to address her own sexual needs at this time.

The other thing would be to try and find out what type of gift she would most be interested in when you do eventually get her something. Since you say you are close, any chance you have one of your own that you could lend to her? One that can be sterilized of course. Unless you know her preferences already.
12/21/2010
Hot'n'Bothered Hot'n'Bothered
I agree with the others. Talk to her and then offer a gift card so she can pick something.
12/21/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Thank you. My instincts were correct. I will talk to her first and then give her a gift card (with some suggestions so she can choose a good quality toy) when I can.

Thank you all so much.

I just feel for her so much. Nothing can replace her wonderful husband and Dom of 2 decades, but I feel she is really needing some self love and care, too. She tends to ignore her own needs for those of others and just spend months caring for a dying husband.

Blessings to you all.
12/21/2010
El-Jaro El-Jaro
Good call! Too soon and it could've come across as "Sorry your husband died, here's a dildo"

Gift card's are a great idea; they're always the perfect size.
12/21/2010
Jessica Elizabeth Jessica Elizabeth
I'd talk to her, but also get her a gift card ^^ Then she can buy what she wants when she's ready

You're a good friend to take such time thinking about it first
12/21/2010
V.T.T V.T.T
I agree a gift card is a super idea. Unless there's something specific you know she's had her eye on (probably not though...)

You are a sweet sweet friend too, just lemmie say. I don't know why I'm so touchy today, but your post made me tear up. What a difficult and sad thing to go through! Though it's wonderful she has someone thinking of her (you!) I would imagine it would be easy to push your sexual self to the side during such a hard time. When she's ready, I think it would be a great gesture.
12/21/2010
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I had to vote other because the timing of such a thing could never be speculated on. One of my best friends passed away 7 months at just 49 - leaving his wife a young widow. My wife is very close to her - but I think if they talk about it, my wife might make some suggestions - but would do it as a gift.

If I have any advise (probably shouldn't offer) - it would be wait for sex to come up in a conversation. If she's OK talking about it - she may be ready for a discrete gift.

She's blessed to have such a good, close friend.
12/21/2010
Darling Jen Darling Jen
I think it'd be best to talk to her about it first. I mean, just having a friend nearby as company helps so much during hard times anyway. But to have one that is so open and understanding about personal needs (especially in a society where we're taught to repress them and pretend they don't exist) is even more important. Giving her love and support will help her heal.

I agree with PG that maybe a gift card would be the best gift cause then she'd have less reason to be shy and get to pick out her own toy. And hey, maybe even introduce her to the forum (if you're comfortable with that too, of course) because even an online community provides a little socialization to help with those lonely feelings. It's helped me a lot so maybe it can help her too?

You're so wonderfully sweet, P'Gell!
12/22/2010
ScottA ScottA
I'd feel things out before getting her anything sex-related, especially with a recent death.
12/22/2010
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Quote:
Originally posted by ScottA
I'd feel things out before getting her anything sex-related, especially with a recent death.
This is how I feel as well. She might think you are making light of the situation or just be totally offended that you think that not having sex even matters to her at this point.
12/22/2010
cherryredhead88 cherryredhead88
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
One of my closest friends was recently widowed (lung cancer, horrible.) We have been friends for ages and I know she has a high sex drive, I also know her man and she hadn't had sex in a long time, due to him being so sick.

I would love to ... More
You might want to talk to her but try and get it out of her without being obvious. Like bring up the subject in a discreet way to see what she would think of it, then judging from her reaction you could see. I honestly don't think she would be ready so early, but everyone's different so you never know.
12/22/2010
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
Good call! Too soon and it could've come across as "Sorry your husband died, here's a dildo"

Gift card's are a great idea; they're always the perfect size.
I shouldn't snigger... but wow, that kind of summed up how I think I would feel if it happened to me. Even if it were one of my two oldest, and closest, friends. I love them but even the gift card would come across as overly bold if it was offered weeks after my husband died.

That being said, I think it's incredibly sweet and generous and a conversation followed up by a gift card would be much more well-received.
12/22/2010
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
I shouldn't snigger... but wow, that kind of summed up how I think I would feel if it happened to me. Even if it were one of my two oldest, and closest, friends. I love them but even the gift card would come across as overly bold if it was ... More
Bring her food and a movie that doesn't involve couples. Who doesn't love food, and with the movie, she can enjoy your company without feeling obligated to talk if she is feeling emotional. If she wants to talk she will talk during the movie and you can turn it off to continue the discussion.
12/22/2010
Lady Neshamah Lady Neshamah
i would pick her up something, but talk to her before you give it to her. i would be she would actually want it.
12/22/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Emma (Girl With Fire)
Bring her food and a movie that doesn't involve couples. Who doesn't love food, and with the movie, she can enjoy your company without feeling obligated to talk if she is feeling emotional. If she wants to talk she will talk during the movie ... More
Thanks, honey. She's gotten food. Plenty of it. We're keeping her well stocked, as much as she'll let us. No movies as she doesn't watch TV at all. Also, I don't ever go to her house, it's a weird situation that I don't want to go into. She always comes here, she showed up the day after he died.

I wish I could get her to sit still long enough to watch a movie. She's running 24/7 since he died. She's gonna crash, and I'll be there to pick up the pieces, if she lets me know about it.

This sucks and I feel lost.
12/22/2010
namelesschaos namelesschaos
I voted other because like others have said talking and a gift-card seems like the best idea; which also seems to be what you decided on.
12/22/2010
Kindred Kindred
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Thanks, honey. She's gotten food. Plenty of it. We're keeping her well stocked, as much as she'll let us. No movies as she doesn't watch TV at all. Also, I don't ever go to her house, it's a weird situation that I don't ... More
"I wish I could get her to sit still long enough to watch a movie. She's running 24/7 since he died. She's gonna crash, and I'll be there to pick up the pieces, if she lets me know about it."

This worries me. Granted, I don't know your friend and the situation at all, but this strikes me as someone having trouble coping. The loss is recent and everyone has different ways for dealing with loss, but someone running 24/7 sounds like someone in denial. But there is also a fine line between being concerned and butting in too much. Obviously you will have to decide how much you can do, but personally it sounds like she needs help and has not found a way to ask yet.
12/22/2010
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Thanks, honey. She's gotten food. Plenty of it. We're keeping her well stocked, as much as she'll let us. No movies as she doesn't watch TV at all. Also, I don't ever go to her house, it's a weird situation that I don't ... More
I don't know if you could afford this but you might take her out to a spa or something for massages. That way she will have to lay still and relax for a bit. Even going for a long walk with her might help. My guess is that she is doing whatever she can to not think about it. If you haven't already, tell her straight up that you are there when she feels like talking, even if it's not right now.
12/22/2010
Bunnycups Bunnycups
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
Good call! Too soon and it could've come across as "Sorry your husband died, here's a dildo"

Gift card's are a great idea; they're always the perfect size.
It isn't funny, but your post made me laugh a bit because I can totally see how this nice gesture can go horribly wrong.

I think a gift card is a good idea. If you want to pick something out for her then you should probably talk to her. I'm sorry for her loss. You're a good friend to her and that's the best thing you can do and be for her at this time. Keep it up.
12/22/2010
Sapphire Pet Sapphire Pet
I'm a widow also and I think if one of my friends had given me something like this only a few weeks after my husband died it would have just reminded me that he was gone. A gift card is a great idea because when she's ready then she can get something. And as far as her going 24/7 non-stop... let her. And yes she is going to fall apart... now... in 3 months... in 6 months... in a year. Just be that friend that listens when she's ready to talk. Be that friend that picks the pieces up when she does fall apart because she won't have the energy to do it herself. Remember her life changed suddenly and for the worse. Be patient with her. I think the thing that pissed me off the worst was the "pity look". You know when someone looks at you and you can see the "awwww how sad" all over their face. I always imagined punching their teeth down their throat... mind you I didn't because I knew it was concern for me but still I thought it. There are going to be days for some days to come that she just wants to cry, or just wants to talk... just be there and listen. And for Heavens Sake DO NOT tell her to get over it and move on or stop being emo or anything else!!!! She will secretly want to choke you to death. I know some comments have been made about denial... for me it wasn't. There was so much I had to do and if I slowed down I would fall apart and nothing would get done. There's no way to deny he's gone. There's the empty house, the car in the driveway that hasn't moved, one less plate at dinner... this is just how she's dealing with it. She has to figure out how to make life work again. My husband was my Dom too. I still do things that I know would have gotten me in trouble and some little part waits for the "ahem... PET!!!" and it still makes me sad it doesn't come but it's getting easier. It's been a year for me and I don't like to sleep in my bed still... thank goodness for a really comfy couch! Part of being a sub is about serving another you care deeply for... I tell people now that I'm a Stray Pet. She will have to figure out how to fill that void. Just be there to listen when she's ready. What she needs right now more than anything else in the world is someone who will be there after everyone else forgets and moves back to their own lives. That's when this is going to get tough. When the quiet sets in and all the running around is done.

Sorry... I know I totally took this into a different direction then what was intended. I just know for me it's a bitch being a widow at 37 and no one knew what to do or say, so I try to help others.
12/22/2010
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by Sapphire Pet
I'm a widow also and I think if one of my friends had given me something like this only a few weeks after my husband died it would have just reminded me that he was gone. A gift card is a great idea because when she's ready then she can get ... More
Sapphire Pet - thank you. I mentioned in a prior post that I lost a very close friend and we are trying to be there for his widow. Your advise about keeping that 'pity' look off your face is an important reminder.

Like you I kinda thought the gift card seemed like a good idea, but didn't say anything because I have no perspective on what it would be like to be widowed.

Thank you again and good luck with your journey to a new life.
12/23/2010
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Sapphire Pet
I'm a widow also and I think if one of my friends had given me something like this only a few weeks after my husband died it would have just reminded me that he was gone. A gift card is a great idea because when she's ready then she can get ... More
I didn't lose a spouse, but I lost my mom this year and I understand about the "pity" look. I also understand about the "I'm sorrys" and the people who are there when it happens and then gone when you are finally "back to normal." I had to tell my closest friends to just act normal. Just pretend like nothing is going on. Let me deal with it however and try not to look at me like you're expecting me to break down any moment.

Obviously it doesn't compare to losing my husband. I couldn't imagine that at all at such a young age. And to me a "young age" is anything before 75!
12/23/2010
Selective Sensualist Selective Sensualist
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Thank you. My instincts were correct. I will talk to her first and then give her a gift card (with some suggestions so she can choose a good quality toy) when I can.

Thank you all so much.

I just feel for her so much. Nothing can ... More
Oh, I think a gift card would be a wonderful idea, along with having a sensitive and caring heart-to-heart talk. She could choose something with your guidance when she feels comfortable and ready.

Best wishes as you walk with her through her grieving -- and bless you for doing so!
12/23/2010
seaofneptune seaofneptune
I'd try to talk to her about it. I agree about the gift card, that way she can look around and get what she would like to try out.
12/23/2010
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Total posts: 51
Unique posters: 36