Quote:
Originally posted by
Sapphire Pet
I'm a widow also and I think if one of my friends had given me something like this only a few weeks after my husband died it would have just reminded me that he was gone. A gift card is a great idea because when she's ready then she can get
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I'm a widow also and I think if one of my friends had given me something like this only a few weeks after my husband died it would have just reminded me that he was gone. A gift card is a great idea because when she's ready then she can get something. And as far as her going 24/7 non-stop... let her. And yes she is going to fall apart... now... in 3 months... in 6 months... in a year. Just be that friend that listens when she's ready to talk. Be that friend that picks the pieces up when she does fall apart because she won't have the energy to do it herself. Remember her life changed suddenly and for the worse. Be patient with her. I think the thing that pissed me off the worst was the "pity look". You know when someone looks at you and you can see the "awwww how sad" all over their face. I always imagined punching their teeth down their throat... mind you I didn't because I knew it was concern for me but still I thought it. There are going to be days for some days to come that she just wants to cry, or just wants to talk... just be there and listen. And for Heavens Sake DO NOT tell her to get over it and move on or stop being emo or anything else!!!! She will secretly want to choke you to death. I know some comments have been made about denial... for me it wasn't. There was so much I had to do and if I slowed down I would fall apart and nothing would get done. There's no way to deny he's gone. There's the empty house, the car in the driveway that hasn't moved, one less plate at dinner... this is just how she's dealing with it. She has to figure out how to make life work again. My husband was my Dom too. I still do things that I know would have gotten me in trouble and some little part waits for the "ahem... PET!!!" and it still makes me sad it doesn't come but it's getting easier. It's been a year for me and I don't like to sleep in my bed still... thank goodness for a really comfy couch! Part of being a sub is about serving another you care deeply for... I tell people now that I'm a Stray Pet. She will have to figure out how to fill that void. Just be there to listen when she's ready. What she needs right now more than anything else in the world is someone who will be there after everyone else forgets and moves back to their own lives. That's when this is going to get tough. When the quiet sets in and all the running around is done.
Sorry... I know I totally took this into a different direction then what was intended. I just know for me it's a bitch being a widow at 37 and no one knew what to do or say, so I try to help others.
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Thank you, Sapphire (and everybody else.) You have a unique perspective on this. Please accept my condolences, as you know what my friend is going through more than anyone else I have spoken to. My mother and MIL are widows, but they are women in their 70s, my friend is younger. I think it does make a difference, and you know how difficult it is, when in a D/s relationship. You come to expect him not just to
be there for you, but to really really take
care of you. (My Man and I are D/s and I would just collapse if anything happened to him. This hit so close to home. Both My Man and I are devastated. This man was, really, like a big brother and almost a mentor to him. Not to mention one of his two close friends. It has hit him hard. He said to me, while crying, "Jeez, P'Gell, who am I gonna bitch and moan about our women with? Nobody understands like ____.)
I know better than to "tell her to get over it and move on or stop being emo or anything else"
I'm the one telling her, "It's OK to not be "strong" if you feel like you don't want to." All these people from her church are going on about "stay strong for your son" "It's so good that you are so strong." She fucking SICK of "being strong" and she told me as much, when I told her "It's OK to feel bad, and mourn for him. Take your time."
Neither she nor he wanted a funeral or wake. They had a direct cremation and just had a Memorial at his Lodge last weekend. It was bittersweet. There were so many people there, and of course, she was running around like a chicken with no head. I kept trying to get her to sit down, and she just kept going, until she sat down with our family. Her son and his GF sat with us, and I think he's really latching on to My Man more now. I keep asking him, nicely, to see what he can do for the boy. He's 18 and on the cusp of manhood and really will need guidance. I think a man similar to his dad, like My Man is really helpful. The boy is angry, as is normal.
Thank you all for your help and caring.
I'm putting the whole idea of a "gift" on hold for now. I'm going to call her tonight and just chat and check in with her. I have decided to wait on the gift. She's just not emotionally ready, IMO.
Thank you all so much. This has been difficult for everyone in our circle of people.