What the fuck is this thing?

Hilarous article. Everyone must read...

And I must get creative. Although I'm not sure about the prizes...

It actually IS a multipurpose exercise machine. You can practise your golf swing on the astro turf, do chin-ups, or lay it on its side and it's a treadmill. Duh!

Why is it in a love hotel? Does it ALL have to be about sex?

OK, yes it does. Well, it serves a couple of purposes

1. You know how men like to get themselves all pumped up so they feel like "THE MAN" - well they can use this to feel better about themselves so the sex is less uncomfortable for the poor prostitute (and they don't have to pay extra for her to say things like "You're so masterful" and "Arnie may be governor but he has nothing on your muscles"

2. If you are sharing the prostitute with a friend ('cos some men are tight like that) it gives them something to do while they wait their turn

3. Some of the people in the voyeur room probably don't care what they look at so when that room's in use but there's noone in the dungeon or hanging out with Agatha, the woman on reception and the bell boy take it in turns to play golf and do chin-ups. I'm sure there's a voyeur festish for that. And this way the woman on reception can shout at the mirror when their 2 hours are up!

Simple!

You know, there is a huge market out there for fellaters/putters. This machine the 'Blow and Putt' is actually for men or women who enjoy acrobatic oral sex while there servicer (fellater/cunnilinger) enjoys some putting. It's obviously a niche market unlike the people who enjoy sex with plastic ponies.

I've only really got a couple ideas here. Maybe some people are really into forcing others to eat grass while hanging upside down? Or maybe some people really want to receive an upside down kiss (ala Spiderman) while practicing their golf swing?

Well first of all is that an artificial grass carpet? Clearly it’s for wiping your shoes before you use this anomaly, but they wouldn’t be wearing shoes, now would they? So what exactly are they wiping on it, huh? My guess is something else. Or perhaps it’s for role playing as puppies in which case you need grass scenery. I hope they don’t pee on it. Omg it could be for peeing. It could just be an assigned area for golden showers. That doesn’t explain the lube on the bar, but my thoughts on that are it was left behind by someone else, using the machine inappropriately. Because it’s for peeing.

It's obviously for making midget porn! Why midget? Because the bit of astro turf is so small. They don't need much. And if the back of it against the wall is stretchy, the midgets could flip that down towards the floor and use it like a trampoline.

Standing sex device so the receptive partner can hold onto something while being pounded.

So you lie it down on the floor so it looks like some crappy broken running machine off freecycle/a hospital bed. The plastic pony stands in the middle and eats the plastic grass in front of his face cause, you know, everyone likes snacks. And then someone holds onto the handlebars on the front and kisses plastic pony on the nose cause some people are into that. And then on the back is a rack where you can keep your pony combs and ribbons and shit so the dudes into that can do that to his tail. And then, I dunno, freestyle hand-jobs around the perimiter.

I can't wait to tell my mom I won. And my boyfriend. Cause I accidentally called him Victor the other day cause he totally doesn't support my career, ie; when I had to lead a man dressed as a little girl around a packed night club in a mask asking if anybody was his mommy. And I think about the internet when he's telling me stories about his boring work.

I don't work in the sex industry by the way.

Although I am being made redundant again this week so who knows what the Holiday Season holds.

This would make alot more sense on its side. Like, you lie down on that navy-blue-racing-strip e area and your hands and feet go into the rungs. However, it is upright which means that's how it's meant to be used.

I can't help but notice that it's adjustable in two places. Obviously it moves, but I don't think the racing stripe part tilts. And the the cushioned bar at the bottom...

I think it's a rack. An eighties-excercise-equ ipment-looking rack. You get chained to both ends and they raise the height of the top part and the angle of the bottom part. The astroturf is *clearly* there to be comfortable, but the whole thing seems innefficient.

I have given you my lame, practical, minorly-thought-out answer. Please bestow me with creepy sex toys I can frame.

I'm inclined to closely side with Miss Cinnamon so far.

Though in my opinion this looks a little more to me like a stretcher versus a spacewalk/hanging device.

A device very similar to this in thory is used frequently in spinal rehabilitation. The twist dials found at both the top and the bottom (on 4 sides of the flat plate in the back) suggests an ability to raise or lower the distance of the top and the bottom of this device.

Stretching or pulling beyond normal human range is right up torture alley!

I could totally see this entire place in a Saw movie.

*in theory* , yeah. Thats what I meant lol!

A stretcher is TOTALLY an awesome torture device. There was this bandit in Greek mythology who would shackle people to his bed and if they were longer/taller than his bed, he'd chop their feet off. If they were too short, he'd stretch them out. I think Theseus captured him, tied him down to his bed, found him too tall and cut his head off.

/geek.

Here's my best guess.

I think this device is indeed a stretcher. I agree the top twist dials are to change the length of the device. The bottom ones though (midway of the back panel), i think are for changing the ANGLE of the device. Hence the need for Astroturf to avoid accidental slipping.

The flat plate is there to prevent users from falling through the back of the device(LOL!!!) and to add rigidity to the device.

If my tilting theory is correct, the device is limited to leaning away from the wall because leaning it back just looks unstable. =)

What a wild guess. LOL

Well it's apparent your readers are not in BD/SM the rug there is for decorative purpose that's a fact! The "standing" stretcher as everyone is calling it is simply another gadget a master /mistress will force his/her slave to hang on while doing "erotic" things. From light whipping, flogging, placing clothes pins in all the right erotic places or just go right to the fist f*cking. You can tie your "willing" participant in various positions by pulling the "stretcher" off the back wall.. etc. Simple don't you think? I had a great laugh ... really you should tell Victor he needs to lighten up. I still think the beard would have done wonders for your night out after all role playing could have been fun.