When is the difference to much?

Heileigh Heileigh
I've recently been debating with myself lately, when the age difference between two individuals is to great. I have a friend (who will remain unnamed) who at one point was with a man who was over 20 years older then her. At the time she was 17, and be was 39. This was a long distance relationship, and thankfully they never met in person, but we often argued over if they should be together or not. She said that he loved her, and that was all that mattered. Let me help you understand what this man looked like. He was around 6', probably close to 300 lbs and balding. He is very obsessive, and violent when he doesn't get what he wants. Many nights I would receive phone calls from him, which would amount to nothing more then him blaming me for their relationship problems, and how if I messed with them any further, he would more or less sick the mafia on me. The first few times I got this calls I was a little concerned, and then after a while I realized this was his way of dealing with his own personal issues. He still lived with his parents, was jobless and his only activities outside of talking with my friend on the computer for hours, was coaching a local football team which he was eventually told he could no longer do, due to his aggressive nature. Now I know most of this isn't relevant, but I want everyone to understand why I was so opposed to their relationship. Now, my question to everyone is: When does the difference in age become to great?
01/25/2010
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El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by Heileigh
I've recently been debating with myself lately, when the age difference between two individuals is to great. I have a friend (who will remain unnamed) who at one point was with a man who was over 20 years older then her. At the time she was 17, ... More
wow...so many issues...

Age can be difficult. There's almost a full ten years between the love of my life and I.

I'd really think the issue here is "How crazy is too crazy?"
01/25/2010
Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
wow...so many issues...

Age can be difficult. There's almost a full ten years between the love of my life and I.

I'd really think the issue here is "How crazy is too crazy?"
I agree. Age can be an issue sometimes, but here age does not seem to be the primary issue. His obsessive and aggressive behavior seem to be negative.

Just be aware that arguing with your friend over whether he's any good for her will not get you anywhere. She'll just become angry at you and resent you and, like the guy, she'll blame you for all the problems they have. From my experience, you'll get further by simply being there for her when she needs someone to talk to. If she tells you about something this guy does that you don't like, don't make her feel like she's being attacked. Instead, just be concerned and let her know that you're concerned, but don't press your judgment further. If this guy is seriously no good for her, at least you'll be there for her when she figures it out by herself.

Of course, if he goes psycho and tries to hunt the two of you down, that's another thing completely. Call the cops, please.

Just my two cents!
01/25/2010
Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Cinnamon
I agree. Age can be an issue sometimes, but here age does not seem to be the primary issue. His obsessive and aggressive behavior seem to be negative.

Just be aware that arguing with your friend over whether he's any good for her will not ... More
heheh. Replace "negative" in the first line with "the problem" and we get a lot closer to a better-sounding sentence.

Breakfast! I need it!
01/25/2010
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
For what's worth there's an 11 year difference between my wife and I - but I agree with Mr. Sauce - most of the stated issues in this question are not age related.

I do tend tot think that there is an age difference that can be too great - but you can't put a specific number to it - and you can't legislate it - it's always going to be a personal choice.
01/25/2010
TitsMcScandal TitsMcScandal
I don't think that age was an issue here, or at least not the main issue. I am dating someone 16 years my senior at the young age of 19. Many people look down upon it because I'm so young. Some of my friends did, and I will tell you, those are the friends who are out of my life right now. Jus' sayin'.
01/25/2010
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by TitsMcScandal
I don't think that age was an issue here, or at least not the main issue. I am dating someone 16 years my senior at the young age of 19. Many people look down upon it because I'm so young. Some of my friends did, and I will tell you, those ... More
You don't think of it now - but I've given some though to this. When I get to say 70 - will my sex drive be able to keep up with my 59 year old wife? In you're case when your 44 and hotter than a firecracker - will a 60 year old be able to satisfy you?

Maybe yes - but it's worth thinking about....
01/25/2010
Sir Sir
I do not think that any age difference is a problem. The problem between that relationship was not in the age, it was in the mentality of the partners involved. Age isn't something that should even be looked at.
01/25/2010
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
I do not think that any age difference is a problem. The problem between that relationship was not in the age, it was in the mentality of the partners involved. Age isn't something that should even be looked at.
I respectfully disagree. Age is one of many factors including as you, say maturity. When choosing a partner you can't take anything off the table - this is not about being politically correct. Everything is relevant; in-laws, religion, age, occupation, sexual preferences/orientatio n, wanting children or not, etc - you've got to take it all in.
01/25/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Heileigh
I've recently been debating with myself lately, when the age difference between two individuals is to great. I have a friend (who will remain unnamed) who at one point was with a man who was over 20 years older then her. At the time she was 17, ... More
There is 14 years' difference between my partner and myself and only a few months difference between my husband and myself. Neither relationship is easier or particularly harder than the other both have their special issues. I think age is a poor indication of whether the relationship will last or be viable. The fact that this fat slob of a braggart and bully was nearly 40 and living with mom and dad meant the relationship was most likely doomed. The age difference alone isn't a good indicator...
01/31/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I respectfully disagree. Age is one of many factors including as you, say maturity. When choosing a partner you can't take anything off the table - this is not about being politically correct. Everything is relevant; in-laws, religion, age, ... More
True but at the same time you must consider relevant issues as a whole not dismiss a person just because you MIGHT not be able to "keep up with" the person sexually later on. Being happy right now is always better than denying a love based on what MIGHT happen. My 40 year old husband is more than capable of keeping up with me and he should be just fine in his 60's, while the number of times a night might be less than my 24 year old lover the quality is amazing. I expect that as time goes on and lover gets much more experience we will enjoy our time together more rather than less.
01/31/2010
El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I respectfully disagree. Age is one of many factors including as you, say maturity. When choosing a partner you can't take anything off the table - this is not about being politically correct. Everything is relevant; in-laws, religion, age, ... More
age does not equal maturity, agree.

People can have issues at any age.
01/31/2010
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I appreciate the feedback from Airen and Mr. Sauce. You may remember that I am 11 years older than my spouse - so I'm obviously more than just tolerant on the issue. Don't know if it's worth restating - but my point is that age is as relevant of a factor as any other that we use to make life altering decisions.
01/31/2010
♥ Amanda ♥ ♥ Amanda ♥
I think the only time it matters is when the younger person in underage, that is a big no no! But as adults... I think we can love freely and not use age as a factor. My boyfriend and I are 14 years apart, but are the same at heart, and that is all that matters.
01/31/2010
El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I appreciate the feedback from Airen and Mr. Sauce. You may remember that I am 11 years older than my spouse - so I'm obviously more than just tolerant on the issue. Don't know if it's worth restating - but my point is that age is as ... More
There's almost 10 between the wonderful love of my life and me...totally agree with you on that too!
01/31/2010
Luscious Lily Luscious Lily
From what I've seen, if age becomes an issue, it's more about percentage of your age than absolute number of years. For two kids in high school, 2 years can be a huge difference, and 5 years can be the difference between "child" and "adult", or be downright illegal if the gap crosses the age of consent. For two people in their 30s, 2-5 years isn't really a big deal. For 20- or 30-somethings, 10 years can be a stretch, while 50 and 60 doesn't feel like it's as big of a gap, though it's the same number of years.

What I'm trying to say in a rambling way is, if the gap is a high percentage of the life lived at that point, it can make a relationship harder; not impossible, but harder. It'll all come down to a lot of other factors in the end, of which age is just one.
01/31/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I appreciate the feedback from Airen and Mr. Sauce. You may remember that I am 11 years older than my spouse - so I'm obviously more than just tolerant on the issue. Don't know if it's worth restating - but my point is that age is as ... More
I agree with that Gunsmoke...I realized after looking again I was commenting on two posts. Age is as valid a consideration as maturity, job, living situation, life goals, parenting issues ect. No one should be dismissed because of any ONE consideration in my opinion.
01/31/2010
xchairitycasex xchairitycasex
I think if your someone looking for someone to have a family with i dont think its a good idea to get with some one who is like in ther 50s if you dont want kids and are looking for just love or sex then by all means go for it.
but theres really no sense in expecting to make a family with someone who is too old to physically do that although men can still have babies why would you do that to the kids and yourself? your husband will not be around very long to enjoy careing for them he will not be able to particapate without feeling worn out and becoming stressed. just like there have been many women give birth past the age of fifty but again why? i dont see a problom with age differance my boyfriend is going on 30 and im only 21 a 7 year differance. but it works out becuase he is done with partying with friends,binge drinking all night wanting nothing more then sex he is ready for a life and that isgood becuase that is what i was looking for aswell.
03/04/2010
Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
I think in that particular situation, the difference was just too extreme and your friend was probably too young to know what she'd want in the long run anyway.

It comes down to individual people....the vast majority of my friends are coupled up with people the same age they are and it works. Whereas I personally have never been able to make things work with someone my age, and not for lack of trying. My most successful relationships have been with people 10-15 years older than me and the man I'm currently seeing is 41 while I'm 27 and we couldn't be happier! But our situations match up - I don't want children, so that's not a concern between us.

I think that as long as both parties are mature enough to make decisions (I'd say at least 21, maybe 22 or 23 in some people?) that they just need to find someone that clicks with them and decide if the perks/downfalls of that person work for them.
03/15/2010
Phoenix77 Phoenix77
I think it totally depends on the people involved. I had a friend who at 16 was dating a 21 year old, and I had no problems with it, but two years later, I had another friend who was 21 dating a 16 year old and because of who the people were, it greatly bothered me. Around the same time, I was hooking up with a guy 14 years my senior, who ended up being a complete ass, and the summer before had slept with a girl 5 years younger, who was fine with the situation... It all depends on who the people are.
03/24/2010
kala1983 kala1983
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Cinnamon
I agree. Age can be an issue sometimes, but here age does not seem to be the primary issue. His obsessive and aggressive behavior seem to be negative.

Just be aware that arguing with your friend over whether he's any good for her will not ... More
I have to agree I mean age can be difficult issue to deal with I am currently 26 years old and I am dating a man that is about 41 I believe which yes is a bit older then me to be far I have dated older lol a lot older actually the highest was 48.

but I do agree that in this case probably the age factor was a small issue, as long as the two people are of legal age I don't usually tend to think to critically of it, you can't control whom you have chemistry with. and I tend to like older men myself because they are more mature in their older age then younger men, that is just not appealing to me to have someone that acts like a child ALL the time and thats one of the main reason I don't date guys in my age range to few of them I just don't click with.
03/29/2010
Saraid Saraid
We have a little over 14 years age difference. No big deal.
03/29/2010
GNGenie GNGenie
There are about 20 years between my husband and I, so I have to say that the age difference can work, but in the specific case you mentioned I think your friend may be entering deep waters.

As others have said, age is just one factor in the incredibly complex decision of choosing a partner: religion, habits, preferences, personality, dreams, goals, etc are all also very important to consider. All in all, if someone matches your dreams in all those other areas, why should you let age stop you?

One way or another, it is a personal decision. For some people, age is the factor: they will never be with a person outside of their acceptable range no matter how perfect they are otherwise.
04/25/2010
Persephone's Addiction Persephone's Addiction
Quote:
Originally posted by Heileigh
I've recently been debating with myself lately, when the age difference between two individuals is to great. I have a friend (who will remain unnamed) who at one point was with a man who was over 20 years older then her. At the time she was 17, ... More
I think the age difference is too much when the two individuals are culturally distinct because of the age difference - meaning, if one partner has a completely different frame of reference. If they cannot relate to eachother through movies, music, art, etc, then I think there is little chance of a sturdy relationship. I think this is especially true when one partner is so young that they have an under developed sense of self - their development will make them a different person as the relationship progresses (more so than a 40 year old, for example) and that can easily disrupt a romantic connection. But when it comes to sex - if partner A is legal, and partner B is able, go for it.
05/19/2010
mama2007 mama2007
Quote:
Originally posted by TitsMcScandal
I don't think that age was an issue here, or at least not the main issue. I am dating someone 16 years my senior at the young age of 19. Many people look down upon it because I'm so young. Some of my friends did, and I will tell you, those ... More
my husband was 31 when i met him and i was almost 21. wwe're married now and hes 35 i am 24! not big deal to me
02/02/2011
RickBlif RickBlif
Social acceptance of age difference can be defined, as shown by studies:

Half of the older age + 7

For example, 34 / 2 = 17 + 7 = 24, so a 34 year old and a 24 year old is at the edge of acceptance.

In your example, a 39 year old going lower than 25.5 would be outside of social acceptance.

However, between the couple themselves, the formula doesn't really apply, because both parties are make a personal choice. The formula is strictly based on social acceptance. It also have some exceptions as well. A 22 year old would be ok with an 18 year old at the low end, however, and 80 year old with a 47 year old might stretch acceptance...but would an 80 year old really care?!

So, based strictly on age difference related to social acceptance, that might help answer the question.
03/05/2011
LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
wow...so many issues...

Age can be difficult. There's almost a full ten years between the love of my life and I.

I'd really think the issue here is "How crazy is too crazy?"
I completely agree.
03/06/2011
Total posts: 27
Unique posters: 19