Insecurities and Sex

Love Bites Love Bites
I suffer from feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. I've talked to my partner, and he has admitted that I'm not fulfilling in bed, which only made it worst. Now I have issues where it's hard to engage him in sex and I'm always worried that I'm not actually pleasuring him, which makes it hard to just enjoy our "fun time". He knows this, and I guess he is trying to help, but it's one of those things of the damage is done.

Has anyone else ever just lost all confidence in bed like this?
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
I'm a female, and I have had this happen
Love Bites , js250 , SMichelle , CaseyDeuce , cicispizzaisyummy , kendra30752 , Deeder , Soulsekrou , TJtheMadHatter , .kaycat , friendswithfangs , Eyesonfire , sXeVegan90 , sweisb4100 , Pierced Blaqk Skies , padmeamidala , Leather & Lace , Taylor , C&K0143 , HannahPanda , ~*Damia*~
21
I'm a male, and I have had this happen
brockalicous , Genderfree , Ly-Ra
3
I'm a female, and I had this happen but I got confidence back
DolphinGirl , Hentialover , kendra30752 , Sera26 , sXeVegan90 , Pierced Blaqk Skies , Ayumi , sillylilkitten , KittyGoesRawr
9
I'm a male, and I had this but I got confidence back
spiced , A&M , zorro57
3
I'm a female, and I have never experienced this
twelve13 , Wicked Wahine , *Camoprincess* , Bignuf , Pete's Princess
5
I'm a male, and I have never experienced this
Gunsmoke , Hallmar82
2
Other
Total votes: 43 (40 voters)
Poll is closed
05/09/2013
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Chilipepper Chilipepper
Argh, he shouldn't have admitted that! This is where blunt honesty is an awful thing to practice - he could have used some tact!

The only thing left is to open up the communication and say "What can we do to make this better for both of us?" He needs to participate in this, too, not just be the critic. This is where you both research and find things you want to try, and for you to practice.

I suffer from lifelong insecurity and inadequacy issues, as well as inexperience - when my fiance related his (extremely) active history, it pissed me off because I already knew other women were better than me, so I didn't need to be reminded of it by him over-sharing like that.

But I was fortunate in which he wanted to help me get better, so sex was never a performance-driven act ... sex was always a time to explore and find out what worked or not. There was no pressure to perform or have the "perfect orgasm", which took a lot of worry off me. It could only be that way because he took part.

Any partner who doesn't share in the exploration and bettering of the other is selfish. Have your guy participate in helping you get better.
05/09/2013
spiced spiced
I agree 100% with what Chilipepper said — and not for the first time either! He could have been A LOT more tactful. It's hard to express dissatisfaction without it sounding like a personal rejection...but it IS possible. I totally agree that "what do we do NOW?" is the question that that needs to be asked. Keep in mind, too, that some people are ridiculously hard to please; it may be HIM and not you, that's responsible for his dissatisfaction. Absolutely, he should be your willing partner in increasing his — and YOUR — satisfaction. Otherwise, he IS selfish and you'd be better off with someone else, even if it means being alone for awhile first.

My own experience with insecurity was when a girlfriend lost interest in me and then cheated. That was a major blow to my self-confidence and it took a long time before I felt like myself again. For years, I couldn't shake the loss of confidence, even after I realized it was not because of any fault of my own, but because my ex-girlfriend was shallow: the other guy was from a wealthy family and went to an Ivy League school (I was from a fairly poor family and was working my way through a public U).

Only after cognitive behavioral therapy did I begin to realize that my happiness was up to me, and that that was true for everyone else, too — including romantic partners. Also, although I've never been a big fan of affirmations, this one helped a lot (and still does): I'm perfect just the way I am, and everything is happening exactly as it should. It's true! And if someone else doesn't see it, that's THEIR problem.
05/09/2013
Hentialover Hentialover
Quote:
Originally posted by Love Bites
I suffer from feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. I've talked to my partner, and he has admitted that I'm not fulfilling in bed, which only made it worst. Now I have issues where it's hard to engage him in sex and I'm always ... More
Sex is just like any other experience. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. In most situations I find that women worry -a lot- about if they are properly pleasing their partners, I know I have in the past. Sometimes your just having an off day, or your just not feeling the mood. There is a ton of reasons for feeling like that, and sadly sometimes your partners can be really frustrating about it, because they just don't understand. Either that or they are more concerned with getting off, then your feelings. Not to say that is -your- boyfriend, just some people.

All you can do is your best. Read more about sex, try new things. it could just be that your boyfriend is having his own issues, or wants to try something new, but wont say what or why. Don't let one person ruin your confidence, because everyone needs a little help now and then. I know I do.
05/09/2013
Fluke Fluke
I haven't had sex in awhile and I feel like I've lost all my mojo in bed, but it's purely mental. It can happen that you lose confidence about how good you are in bed but it is always recoverable.

I don't know the details of your relationship but it is pretty simple, either you and your partner need to start to communicate and try to help and improve each other or you need to get some couples counseling or you need to find a new partner.
05/09/2013
js250 js250
The damage has been done. Instead of trying too help boost your confidence and work together on learning new skills to please each other--your partner has eroded your confidence in a very personal and vulnerable area of your life together.

The answer is...What are you going to do about this issue? Honestly, you need to take a good look inside yourself, be completely honest and figure out the best solution for YOURSELF. Was his statement said in anger, to hurt you in an argument? Is he verbally or emotionally abusive on other occasions? Was he just not tactful but did not mean to harm you? There are not quite enough details in your post for detailed advice. You can message me, I do understand and have had the same issue happen to me as well. I can possibly help you cope and resolve some of the confidence issues by talking over what worked for me.

Personally, I think you have made a great start in asking for advice, by being a member here on EF and you should take time out for yourself and get stronger. By worrying about his needs, you are putting yours to the side. Sex should be about feelings, sensuality and love--showing another person how you feel about them in a very personal way. By spending time making sure your needs are met, you will instill a confidence, learn more about what makes you satisfied and this can really improve your outlook and confidence when teasing and exploring his body and what makes him satisfied.

Do this together--but try new things. That way it will not be a 'compared' to the last time kind of situation, but more communication--figurin g out new ways to tease, turn on and touch each other. And it is about you--relax and just enjoy touching him rubbing him and teasing him...satisfy your own lust and curiosity about his body. You might be surprised at his reaction and yours!

Hugs--I know this really hurts and is very painful. Please remember to message me if you want to talk, I am here for you!
05/09/2013
ShadowedSeductress ShadowedSeductress
I agree with the advice given here! I have nothing to add except that I hope it gets better. It really is best to speak with him and work together on bettering your sex life. Surely there is something he could improve on, even if it's tiny. It's a journey together! My partner only recently admitted how terrible my first blow job on him was (my first blow job ever) This was more than 3 years ago and we have since both learned.

Just talk it out, that's all I can tell you.

As far as sex and insecurities go for me, I've gained weight and I'm just not feeling it. I mean I want him but thinking about how disgusting I feel has kept me from reaching out like I used to. He still initiates but I just feel so insecure.
05/09/2013
A&M A&M
For me personally the biggest issue I have with this is worrying about it in the first place. It is had to do but you have to let it go and not worry about it. The more you just enjoy the moment the better it is for both of you. Take some time and learn what it is that he likes then just go for it and enjoy it. I wish I had better advice and as I have read others have some good suggestions but you can't let it destroy it for you or it will make things worse.
05/10/2013
Love Bites Love Bites
Ah, I didn't realize how uninformative my post was.
Alright, in case anyone is interested-

He admitted this while we were fighting, we were on the verge of breaking up and I asked about remaining lovers. He said that it wasn't worth it because I'm lacking in bed. I think the time he said it was hurtful and definitely sits on my mind. When I asked about it when things cooled down, he didn't take it back.

He told me that he doesn't feel satisfied, because he is worrying so much about my physical well being (I've had back surgery twice, the damage left is arthritis and nerve sensitivity). He doesn't want to get as rough as he'd like because of this, so it falls short. I've tried to engage him, but he wears kid gloves with me (most guys do, as big as I am I'm actually kind of frail). Lately, I've been able to get him to be more rough to satisfy him, but he still treats me delicately. He's also more knowledgeable about what he likes and what he wants to try than I.

We're exploring new things- play piercing, paddles, more extreme bondage- but it's slow going. He has been very involved, he says he wants me to be comfortable, so he shows me what he enjoys and tries to help me explore what I might enjoy. I'm just awkward and shy, and I feel kind of stupid next to him for being so lacking in knowledge. I know I over think things, he's admitted that he can tell because it affects how I perform, and he likes it better when I can just enjoy being with him (whether I'm pleasured or he is).

I don't want to make him sound selfish, because really he's not. I'm just incredibly insecure and hesitant. Having him voice part of my insecurity just really shook me. Plus lately I feel everyone has been judging me, telling me I'm too mousy and plain looking, that I needed to dress nicer and look better (my mom and my ex kind of ganged up on me, I felt like they attacked my clothing and style and choice of comfort. My brother called me mousy and said if I were a girl he dated he'd tell them to fix themselves up).

The only one who has actually been supportive is my partner, who doesn't mind how I dress as long as I am comfortable and feel good about myself. Just being judged so harshly over my looks and bedroom performance took away the comfort that I used to have with myself.
05/11/2013
Love Bites Love Bites
Sorry for my super long post..
05/11/2013
MrWood MrWood
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Argh, he shouldn't have admitted that! This is where blunt honesty is an awful thing to practice - he could have used some tact!

The only thing left is to open up the communication and say "What can we do to make this better for both ... More
I agree that he shouldn't have made you feel even more insecure. Ive been with partners that were not that great in bed, but I would never tell them that. I would try to get them to do things that would make it better and that would make it better for them also. Self confidence is extremely important in bed for men and women. Without it, you are missing out on the fun side of sex because you are worried about just being satisfying to your partner and don't allow your self to relax enough to fully enjoy it.

Maybe both of you can try relaxing first with a couple of glasses of wine, and going into it with a relaxed and different approach. Try something new or different during foreplay, take your time and go slow, let the passion increase before just doing the deed.

Just my advice, I hope things get better for you.
05/11/2013
Soulsekrou Soulsekrou
Just talk.
05/11/2013
xgreatlovex xgreatlovex
sometimes not bieng fullfilled is there problem not yours
05/14/2013
Zombirella Zombirella
Wow, that was a bit mean of him to say that to you. I'd never say that, instead suggest things to spice it help and help work through any issues.
05/15/2013
Fluke Fluke
Quote:
Originally posted by Love Bites
Ah, I didn't realize how uninformative my post was.
Alright, in case anyone is interested-

He admitted this while we were fighting, we were on the verge of breaking up and I asked about remaining lovers. He said that it wasn't worth ... More
If you are shy and insecure in bed there's a few things you can do. To get over being shy you gotta just be more aggressive, there isn't really any other way, build up some courage and go for it. To be less awkward you can buy some lingerie/corsets that make you look really good. Wear it during the day under your normal clothes to feel sexy all day.

But it seems like his comments has just put a lot of pressure on sexual performance. The phrase, "Don't worry, it's just sex" seems to apply here. Don't worry that you aren't as experienced, you'll get better the more you do it. Don't worry about what other people think. Don't worry if it is going slow, as long as it is improving then that is great. Relax and don't give in to the pressure.

It sounds like you have great communication with your partner. Keep thinking positively and you are on the right track!
05/15/2013
Scythe Scythe
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Argh, he shouldn't have admitted that! This is where blunt honesty is an awful thing to practice - he could have used some tact!

The only thing left is to open up the communication and say "What can we do to make this better for both ... More
It was a bad move on his part to say that to you and make you feel more self concious about yourself.I feel that if he was not content with the sexual aspect of your relationship that he should have gone about expressing it to you in a different manner,I think that if a person cares about their partner that they are willing to try different things with one another in the bedroom its just a matter of being able to communicate how you feel in a way that doesn't tear their partner down.
05/15/2013
Hallmar82 Hallmar82
It's best to be honest in the long run. Even if the truth hurts, being dishonest about sex or intimacy will hurt more when the truth comes out. I recommend seeking therapy and continue being open and honest about your expectations and experiences. Unless each of you work together, there's always going to be bad feelings that keep surfacing and will only lead to more problems in the future.
05/15/2013
sXeVegan90 sXeVegan90
I've had this happen but I eventually got my confidence back. As everyone else has already said, I think it was a bad move on his part to say that to you.
05/27/2013
sweisb4100 sweisb4100
This is such a sensitive subject! I've lost my libido due to insecurities. At this point its gotten so bad that I don't care if I get it back for my sake.
05/27/2013
Love Bites Love Bites
Quote:
Originally posted by Fluke
If you are shy and insecure in bed there's a few things you can do. To get over being shy you gotta just be more aggressive, there isn't really any other way, build up some courage and go for it. To be less awkward you can buy some ... More
I try, but it's so hard. I can't ever seem to push through it all. We're working on my self esteem, but it's slow work.

Yes, I think he feels that way too. I'll try to relax, it just really did seem to add a lot of pressure. I tend to dwell on negative things though.

Ah, yes, I do try to be open and communicate openly with him. Thank you for the advice.
05/28/2013
Love Bites Love Bites
Quote:
Originally posted by sweisb4100
This is such a sensitive subject! I've lost my libido due to insecurities. At this point its gotten so bad that I don't care if I get it back for my sake.
Oh, I'm sorry!

That sounds awful *hugs*
I hope that it gets better for you.
05/28/2013
Ayumi Ayumi
I had a really long post about my own experience with this, and my browser spazzed out on me.

I will skip to the last part, which is that IT DOES GET BETTER. There might even be somebody better. I certainly found that person. It was too hard for me to maintain intimacy when I felt so wounded. I just couldn't even kiss him after what he said to me.

If communicating about the hurt that it caused can't repair it, then he needs to get steppin. You deserve better than that. There is a much for tactful way to communicate about enriching one another's sexual experience.
06/02/2013
Leather & Lace Leather & Lace
I'm female and it's happened to me.
06/02/2013
Fluke Fluke
Quote:
Originally posted by sweisb4100
This is such a sensitive subject! I've lost my libido due to insecurities. At this point its gotten so bad that I don't care if I get it back for my sake.
Don't give up! You can always improve and fix things. Well maybe you can't grow a blown off leg but insecurities and low libido can be repaired. You definitely are not alone and other people have worked through it and will help you through it.
06/03/2013
*Camoprincess* *Camoprincess*
Mad or not that is something I never mention if they sucked in bed or were lacking I never say anything. That is just something that you can't take back and the other person has issues with it the rest of their life. I haven't experienced this most of my ex partners always try to come back cause the sex was good.
06/04/2013
sillylilkitten sillylilkitten
This guy sounds like a huge jerk. I had an ex who was a lot the same. He was critical about everything and constantly acted like he was only having sex with me because he felt bad for me, and said it was never good for him. Eventually I just completely cut off contact with him and found my current bf, and he's been so amazing and supportive and telling me how amazing sex with me is, and helping me to learn to try new things. My advice is to cut this guy out of your life and find someone who appreciates you and wants to build up your confidence instead of breaking it down.
06/04/2013
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
I think you need to be in counseling by yourself because you are really down & you need help to get yourself into a better frame of mind before tackling anything else. (It sounds like you have no support system, except for some from your boyfriend & that might have you clinging to a relationship that is not good for you.) I have had lifelong struggles with body image & while not the same as your issues, I know that whatever you perceive as wrong consumes you & colors all your interactions with people. You may not believe it now, but you don't deserve to suffer like this! You can have a happier life, but I think you need professional help to guide you there. This goes much deeper than working on your relationship with your boyfriend, it's about your relationship with yourself. You can't make good, sound decisions about your relationship when your perception is altered by self doubt & insecurity to the extent that you have.

As for what I think about your boyfriend situation. I think anyone who has been dating you for more than a week or two is going to be well aware of your issues. So, considering that, I find it inexcusably cruel of him to toss that bomb at any time, including while in an argument! The fact it was done during an argument tells me he wanted to hurt you & with your insecurity, you would think you deserved it. That is exactly what happened, isn't it? You are scrambling for ways to try and experiment in bed in order to please him & I have to wonder if this is not his motive in the first place. Why do you need to change & try all these things outside your comfort zone? Maybe you are just not sexually compatible? It happens. He's into rougher sex, so why did he decide to pursue a woman who has serious medical reasons not to engage in that? If he really does love you, he will be supportive of you seeking help for yourself & will back off on the pushing about sex. When you start to see things more clearly, then would be a better time to work on the relationship & sex. Maybe you will go to couples' counseling at the same time. I just think there is something "off" about pushing an already insecure person to experimentation that clearly she is not getting any pleasure from!
06/04/2013
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by Love Bites
I suffer from feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. I've talked to my partner, and he has admitted that I'm not fulfilling in bed, which only made it worst. Now I have issues where it's hard to engage him in sex and I'm always ... More
I think we both were lucky to come into our marriage as very confident partners, with a good deal of experience. We have thus "grown" together, but never with any doubt as to our "abilities". However, what you have going on can be a disaster or a great learning and growing experience. Say to him "if I have not pleasured you the right way....teach me, tell me, help me, I am yours and will do whatever it takes". What guy could resist that? Meanwhile, be confident enough to say "oh....this is a two way street, I get to school you too, right?" and do so. You can turn each other into your dream lovers!!!! Start with shopping together here on EF....get some toys to try together. You can make this a major, happy, love for life WIN/WIN thing!!!
08/14/2013
Genderfree Genderfree
I'm a male, and yes, this has actually happened to me. I'm slowly getting my confidence back, though.

A while ago, me and my partner had a difficult break-up where she said that I wasn't able to sexually please her and that she wanted to be with someone else. Eventually, we got back together (realizing that things will probably get better since I started testosterone) but not a lot changed. We eventually just focused on our emotional relationship, but it's still hard for me to deal with the fact that she's always commenting on how gross vaginas are (usually not to my face, just in general).

We still have sex, although not regularly, but I try my best to give her what she wants and she tries her best to give me what I want
10/05/2013
HannahPanda HannahPanda
It happens to everyone from time to time. Insecurity is normal, and all you can do is try your hardest, ask more about what he wants, and be all you can be If he isn't satisfied then, perhaps it's not you but him!
10/06/2013
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Total posts: 31
Unique posters: 25