What is wrong with me?

xchairitycasex xchairitycasex
I am 21 years old and im in a relationship with my first Boyfriend who is my first everything (kiss,hand holding,virginity you get it) well although i think he is really attractive and cute i am not sexually turned on by him i am not sexually turned on by any sight or thought even i do not have a sexualy fantasy although i have thought long and hard trying to find one. it isnt that i cant get turned on many thigns do just not sight or souund or thought orientated things it all physical feelings. i refuse to tell my boyfriend this becuase even though it isnt that i find other emn (or women) attractive he always is askign me what it is about him that turns me on. i feel bad and weird when im around other girls and they start googling men and talking about what is "so sexy" i feel like an alien and feel embarressed.
02/17/2010
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Juliettia Juliettia
Quote:
Originally posted by xchairitycasex
I am 21 years old and im in a relationship with my first Boyfriend who is my first everything (kiss,hand holding,virginity you get it) well although i think he is really attractive and cute i am not sexually turned on by him i am not sexually turned ... More
I don't think anything is wrong with you, but I think that in order for your relationship to work out well you should be honest with your boyfriend. If it's a big issue you can also talk to a therapist who will help you evaluate your relationship and get to the core of what the problem may be.
02/17/2010
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Everyone has an opinion so here's one - choosing a life partner at 16 borders on hopelessly naive. You should be broadening your horizons by dating (not necessarily having sex) with different types of people. I grew up back east, lived in the mid west, traveled to many countries overseas and finally married a girl from the mid-west while living in CA. I learned a lot about myself - and the different types of women out there. With that knowledge base I was able to make the right choice for me. Anyway - this is not about me - you need to get out and explore!
02/17/2010
Darling Dove Darling Dove
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
Everyone has an opinion so here's one - choosing a life partner at 16 borders on hopelessly naive. You should be broadening your horizons by dating (not necessarily having sex) with different types of people. I grew up back east, lived in the mid ... More
She said she was 21, though :/

@OP
I was a lot like that too. I still am pretty much, its hard for looking at things to turn me on, but I'm incredibly sensitive to physical foreplay. I think you should be honest with your boyfriend and stop worrying. Once I stopped worrying about stuff and became less stressed in general I found that those things came more naturally to me, even though its still hard for me to get turned on just by imagery.
Plus once I had sex and knew for certain what it felt like, or even once I started toying it became easier to look back on the memory of those feelings and use that to turn myself on. Anticipation of that kind of pleasure is really arousing to me. Everyone is different but its important to be honest with him. Word it lightly, dont just say he doesnt turn you on but explain the whole situation- that not much, besides physical stuff, does, or whatever the case may be.
02/17/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
While I agree that even 21 might be a bit too young for some people to form life long attachments I also disagree that this rule applies to everyone. I was 15 when I met Sigel. I have never wavered in my desire to be with him forever and we're 40 now.

Charity Case it is very important if you are going to make a real comittment to this person that you can talk comfortably with him about anything. Simply telling him in a kind way, as Darling Dove suggests, that you are turned on by more physical things such as his touch, kiss ect. would help ease your fears and feed his need to get to know you. Obviously you are attracted to his physical appearance but sometimes that isn't enough to get you going, as it were. You may find that later it will be. Sometimes, as with me, a person needs time to associate certain looks with erotic experience to form that physical desire response. The first time he looks at you and you suddenly want to throw caution to the wind and jump his bones will be an amazing experience for you! Could be he's there emotionally right now, but with a bit more time to become comfortable you might be as well.
Be gentle with yourself, you sound perfectly natural! Just relax and enjoy this new experience.
02/17/2010
Lilith Land Lilith Land
Quote:
Originally posted by xchairitycasex
I am 21 years old and im in a relationship with my first Boyfriend who is my first everything (kiss,hand holding,virginity you get it) well although i think he is really attractive and cute i am not sexually turned on by him i am not sexually turned ... More
Hi, I have a little bit different perspective on your situation. I don't think it is at all unusual for a young women not to be actually aroused by looking at a male partner. Most women are not really raised to sexualize the male body that way, though there are some that do. Perhaps, some younger women do now.

I think your friends are simply pointing out men they think are attractive, and are not necessarily physically aroused by looking at these guys. There is a difference between appreciating beauty and getting horny.

Plus, some women don't fantasize about sex. I am a graduate student (Ph.D.level) doing a dissertation on female sexual dysfunction/dissatisfa ction. Some of the research I have read has found that some women don't even fantasize when they are masturbating. They, as you do, focus on physical sensations.

I wouldn't necessarily assume anything is wrong, nor would I recommend telling your partner. Though you might try telling what you think is attractive about him, as in I love your cute round butt. Maybe he's just fishing for compliments.
07/12/2010
Alicia Alicia
For me the sexiness of my husband's body parts comes from memory. Like I LOVE this calves and his thighs, but they turn me on because I can imagine and remember them wrapped around mine.

I love his forearm and it turns me on if I see it flexed. But this isn't just because he has a nice forearm, it's because it being flexed reminds me of him fingering me or holding himself up over me.

I love his bare chest but it's not because of his chest itself. It's because of memory once again because I can remember our bodies being up against each other.

Even his penis I probably only feel like sexually attracted to because I know what it does with me lol.

It's not that I don't find those body parts attractive just on their own. But the only reason that I am sexually attracted to those parts is because of my memory of pleasure with them.

That's why while I can appreciate seeing a beautiful naked body it doesn't really turn me on, because I have no memory to associate with it. Porn's different since you're actually seeing them in the act I guess..I dunno.
07/12/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
These are all such good responses. Charity Case, it also sounds like your bf seems a little insecure, if he needs to constantly get you to tell him what "turns you on" about his appearance. This is really immature behavior. Yea, we ALL want to be told we are attractive and look "good enough to eat" and be wanted, but repeatedly ASKING "what about the way I look turns you on? huh? huh? huh? huh?" is annoying and also a little intimidating. Not to mention childish.

He should be able to wait until you WANT to say something (and amusing you DO find him attractive in ways, and are willing to let him know, everybody needs strokes) not ask you all the time.

Also, reading some good erotica can get your sexual thoughts going. Violet Blue and Alison Tyler publish really well written erotica for women and reading these can really help.
07/13/2010
Sera Sera
Do you love him? If you do, this shouldn't be a problem.
07/30/2010
Midway through Midway through
There's nothing wrong with you. It could be stress. Are you on a new birth control? Sometimes birth control causes a drop in libido. Honestly, I would tell your boyfriend what's going on. Being honest with him is going to be the only thing you can do right now, because otherwise he's not going to know what's going on.
07/30/2010
NightNight NightNight
I just want to say that you're not alone and there's not anything "wrong" with you!

I think I'm very similar in that I'm not aroused just by sight or appearances. When I was younger I felt very left out because I didn't relate to my peers oogling over the male physique AT ALL. I even worried I was gay at some point haha I could definitely determine what I thought was attractive and what wasn't but nothing stirred me emotionally or sexually.

I felt like this for a long time even with my boyfriend/fiance/husba nd. I thought he was very physically attractive but the sight of him wasn't the trigger that turned me on. Instead it was the way he'd whisper in my ear or drag his hand across my skin. At some point during the exploration of my sexuality I decided to stop feeling guilty about not having the "right" feelings and just enjoy the ones I did have.

That is when things started changing. I found that as I embraced the pleasure of our physical contact I started to create associations between them and his body. Like Alicia said, when I see my husband's strong arms I remember how they make me feel when he uses them to pick me up and toss me onto the bed NOW they seem incredibly sexy to me. Still, I find I'm not sexually attracted to other men's bodies unless I perceive they have something in common with my lover.

I don't want to try and diagnose anyone or even imply that this is likely, but I wanted to mention the possibility that those kinds of feelings could be related to symptoms of dissociation, especially derealization. I'm undecided if I attribute my feelings on physical attraction to derealization (maybe this is just how some people work? There are a lot of people sharing the same experience in this thread) but I at least cite it as a cause for other feelings. The difference is that I can't recall a time when I *was* easily turned on by visual stimulus, whereas I *can* recall a time when everything didn't feel so detached.
07/31/2010
Total posts: 11
Unique posters: 11