Help a new girl re: clitoral distance/vaginal orgasms?

Contributor: Lacey9 Lacey9
Hi everyone. I found this forum while doing a desperate google search for "average clitoral distance," and I hope you will all forgive me because I know it has been much talked about recently. It also seems I don't know very much about sex, which is embarrassing, but I had kind of a crisis of information lately and I really need some help.

To start, my husband is not very experienced with women, or so he thinks. He has only been with a couple of women while I have been with 20 or so men. We've been together for two years and I have rarely had an orgasm while having sex with him (only when we had a toy that stimulated my clit). I never had this trouble before, but he just never seemed to want to rub against me the right way, as all of the other men I had been with did without me telling them. I guess I always thought that my husband didn't care--he was always annoyingly concerned with the size of his penis, which is a little bit short.

Recently, I found out that it wasn't because he didn't care about this, but because the other women he had been with, though they were only a few, were sex goddesses who insisted he keep away from their clits because they only wanted to have vaginal orgasms. They all had major issues with his penis size, which is why he was so worried about it. I have never had a vaginal orgasm, and I kind of thought they were mythical. The majority of my own sexual experiences were in college with idiots, and so not too sophisticated. If I have a g-spot I cannot find it, but I thought that was just normal before--now I feel defective! I know I shouldn't compare myself to my husband's exes, but I started doing research and found that the distance between my clit and vagina is way long--2 1/2 inches--and I feel devastated by this!

Of course, my husband says he doesn't care and that I am fine and he is just sorry that he didn't know better what I liked before. Still, our sex has been awkward and fumbly--he doesn't seem to be good at rubbing up against me, and he tries to use his hands and ends up stopping everything else... And now I feel like there is this whole world out there that I will never have access to, and what is worse, I feel like my sex life with my husband will never be as good as his was with his other women. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know about this, but when I found this forum it seemed really girl-friendly and comfortable. Any advice, commiseration, words of hope, etc. would be much appreciated.

The positive side of this is that I am starting to discover that there is much more to sex than I had previously imagined: if I could only get beyond this problem...
06/11/2012
  • Save Extra 50% On Sexobot Attachment
  • Upgrade Your Hands-Free Play!
  • Complete strap-on set for extra 15% off
  • Save 50% On Shower Nozzle With Enema Set
  • Enjoy 50% Off Selected Items
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
((((( hugs )))))

First off, you're not "broken" or weird or deformed. You are totally, totally normal! All bodies are different, and whenever there is an estimated "average" it just means that they added up all the totals and divided that number. It doesn't necessarily mean that spacing is most common, just that it's the most "in the middle" of all the measurements taken.

Did you see this thread here discussing the same topic about distance? It's been a while since I measured mine, and I think mine came out to about 1 1/2 inches of space between my urethra and my clitoris. Would be more if I measure from the vaginal opening, but that thread was about urethra to clit, so that's how I measured.

Let me also say this - have you ever considered that those other "sex goddesses" were all just faking? Just something to consider, since your husband wasn't aware of the fact that YOU haven't been orgasming regularly with him... maybe he was similarly unaware with his exes. Just a possibility.

Anyway, yes you do need to put all of that out of your mind. And then remember - you KNOW how to have an orgasm. You know just what to do, and I'm assuming you can do it yourself when you masturbate. (Is that true? Can you bring yourself to orgasm during masturbation?)

So, assuming that's true, my question to you is this: Why not just do that stuff while you're having sex with your husband? If you know what works, do it. You can slide your hand down there more easily than your husband, so why not do that during sex. Why not slide a toy down there during sex.

I can't orgasm without SOME clitoral stimulation either, so I just make sure I'm getting what I need so I can get to orgasm. My man and I view our toys as our allies in having a happy, fulfilled sex life. So we use them together, and since being with him I found I'm easily multi-orgasmic. Maybe if you do what you need to (stimulate your clit in a way that works) you could have a similar experience. It's worked for you in the past, so why not do it some more?

Also - what we have found works best to allow me to easily achieve multiples is for penetrative sex to not even begin until I've had my first orgasm. Perhaps you and your husband could do something similar to make sure your needs are met. Plenty of good oral sex, or manual stimulation, or toy use before sex, to get you your first orgasm will "prime your pump" and make the sex more enjoyable, AND more likely to bring you to orgasm again.

Do any of these ideas sound like they would work for you? I'm glad you're here and posting about your issue, you're not alone. Isn't it amazing what some good communication will allow you to learn about your partner? I bet you'll be able to come to some helpful ideas through further communication!
06/11/2012
Contributor: Yaoi Pervette (deleted) Yaoi Pervette (deleted)
Indiglo pretty much said what I was going to say. I generally find it difficult to orgasm without clitoral stimulation. I stimulate my own clitoris during intercourse. My husband has tried to manually stimulate me during sex, but he can't seem to get the hang of doing two things at once.
Another thing you can try is being on top of him. You can control the action and grind against him more so your clitoris gets some contact. Either way, keep communicating your needs honestly and keep trying new ideas.
06/11/2012
Contributor: - Kira - - Kira -
I was gonna link to the thread indiglo did. I started that thread, so I'll give you a bit more info on the clit:vaginal opening theory. Marie Bonaparte did some studies that started putting the links between the two together. Women who have a clit closer to their vaginal opening orgasm more easily during sex (without additional clitoral stimulation). The further apart the distance gets, the harder it is to achieve orgasm without additional stimulation. I forget now what the distance is where it starts to become difficult to orgasm without clitoral stimulation. I remember a two being in there somewhere. I tried to find it on Google real quick and couldn't.

Anyhow, I measure about 1cm, perhaps a little more, so I'm spaced close together. I can have vaginal orgasms easily during sex without my husband grinding any certain way. There are times I tell him not to mess with my clit, though that's rare because combined orgasms are better than one type of orgasm. Is it possible that his previous experiences were with closely spaced women? Perhaps. Or perhaps as mentioned they were full of it and he didn't know any better.

If you take a look at that poll, you'll notice that there's a wide range of variety in the distances. It's worth it to measure for yourself as that might give you a scientific fact behind why you need clitoral stimulation where others didn't. If you do - don't worry!! It's normal. Everyone is different. In fact, I felt weird when I said I didn't need my clit messed with because every other girl I talked to just wanted that. You're more in the majority of "normal" than those of us who can orgasm from sex alone.

I also second all of indiglo's suggestions. If you can bring yourself to orgasm, just do that but during sex. I usually use (hell, use 99% of the time) my MiMi during sex. It gives me more intense orgasms which feels better for me AND my husband. If you're not yet ready to bring in toys, just use your hands during sex and see how that goes. Just remember that if things aren't sexually satisfying, you can do things to improve them too! Sometimes guys are tuned out and won't pick up on what we need and when. At times, it's best to take some of it into our own hands.
06/11/2012
Contributor: Lacey9 Lacey9
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
((((( hugs )))))

First off, you're not "broken" or weird or deformed. You are totally, totally normal! All bodies are different, and whenever there is an estimated "average" it just means that they added up all the ... more
Thank you so much!! I read that thread and that is actually what brought me to this forum! I never have trouble orgasming with clitoral stimulation, whether on my own or otherwise. The only time I have ever had trouble has been while having sex with my husband (such is life). As it turns out, he just thought "all women" were like his exes. I know it sounds stupid but I am so madly in love with my husband that I didn't care that he was really the first partner I have had that I couldn't seem to orgasm with during sex. He just didn't take hints, if you know what I mean. And my hints were pretty strong! We got a toy while we were on our honeymoon that was something like a cock ring but with a large stimulator on the front, and it was amazing. Even though I raved and raved about it, though, after our honeymoon it went in a drawer because he said it felt "artificial." He doesn't even like to use lube because of the same reason--somehow it bruises his ego...? He feels like he should be able to satisfy me all by himself, blah, blah, blah... The ironic thing is that this new knowledge that my body is not really structured well for vaginal orgasms has actually made him more friendly to the idea of toys, etc., because now it is not him, it is me! Whatever (eye roll). Using my hands during sex feels almost as awkward to me as when he uses his (just seems to get in the way), but toys will work. It was really helpful to hear that you and your partner see toys as "allies" to your sex life; I needed to hear it because it really looks like I need them in order to climax during sex with my husband, and the prospect of always using toys did make me wonder how weird I was...
06/11/2012
Contributor: Lacey9 Lacey9
Quote:
Originally posted by - Kira -
I was gonna link to the thread indiglo did. I started that thread, so I'll give you a bit more info on the clit:vaginal opening theory. Marie Bonaparte did some studies that started putting the links between the two together. Women who have ... more
Regarding Bonaparte's research, it was exactly that which made me so depressed--the findings were that less than one inch distance would make it very difficult. At 2 1/2 inches, from what I can discover (and there is so little info out there), I have just about the longest distance that anyone has ever encountered in any of the studies I've found--not that it is considered "normal," but it seems that the average is 1 1/2 inches and none of the scientific studies have ever encountered anyone with a longer distance than 2 1/2 inches--and that is apparently quite uncommon!!! When I read this I started crying. I started googling and reading obsessively--I even took some pictures of my nether regions and compared them with everything I could find on the internet (for the record, I can't see a difference)! I have felt so alone, and it was such a relief to find this group online! I also love all of the reviews of all of the toys on this site. I am thinking about demanding a pure wand for my anniversary
06/11/2012
Contributor: Yaoi Pervette (deleted) Yaoi Pervette (deleted)
Quote:
Originally posted by Lacey9
Thank you so much!! I read that thread and that is actually what brought me to this forum! I never have trouble orgasming with clitoral stimulation, whether on my own or otherwise. The only time I have ever had trouble has been while having sex ... more
I don't think needing to use a toy during sex makes a person weird at all. I think it makes that person in charge of her own pleasure and sexuality. Needing additional stimulation during sex puts you in the majority of women. Your husband's exes are sort of the exception rather than the rule, and we cannot know for sure if they were faking or not. They may have been led to believe that women should be able to orgasm from intercourse alone and just hoped it would happen. If you find a toy more comfortable to use than your hand, go for it.

I think education is important here. Neither of you are abnormal. Your husband needs to understand that you needing a little help achieving orgasm is not a reflection of his skills as a lover. Also, I wouldn't get too upset about the distance between your clitoris and vagina. It seems like a lot these studies only used a couple hundred women. That is hardly representative of all of the billions of women on this planet. Female genitalia are as diverse as snowflakes or fingerprints. As long as you're enjoying yourself, nothing as trivial as anatomical differences should matter.

It is worth noting that Bonaparte was a psychoanalyst. Freud was the father of psychoanalysis and believed that vaginal orgasms were the only acceptable type. Women who stimulated their clits were immature. Someone who was unable to have a vaginal orgasm were thought to be frigid even if they could orgasm from clit stimulation. This was the prevailing attitude of the time when Bonaparte did her research. Maybe having a clit close to the vaginal opening would make orgasm from intercourse only easier. The base of the penis would more likely contact the clitoris. However, the attitude that generated this research has been widely discredited.
06/11/2012
Contributor: - Kira - - Kira -
Quote:
Originally posted by Lacey9
Regarding Bonaparte's research, it was exactly that which made me so depressed--the findings were that less than one inch distance would make it very difficult. At 2 1/2 inches, from what I can discover (and there is so little info out there), I ... more
I believe there are quite a few on Eden that fall under or over what the studies have said were there min and max findings. The studies are limited in number and within those studies they only had so many women, so it's easy to see why there's a high probability of falling outside the spectrum of the studies.

In terms of appearance, a few centimeters won't make much of a visual difference! That should just go to show you how "normal" you are, even if you fall outside the spectrum of the studies.

The Pure Wand is amazing. It would make a great anniversary present!
06/12/2012
Contributor: Gracie Gracie
Hi Lacy. Welcome to EF! I don't have anything new to add just adding my support to what others have said. I think they said just what I would have said. Education and information are very empowering, and support of others, even strangers can help you get things going on a good path! There is nothing wrong with you! You are totally normal! I'm happy to chat with you anytime!
06/12/2012