Wanting to cheat and hating myself for it.

LilDebi LilDebi
My husband and I have been together for 5 years now, but sexually I'm just not happy. We have tried toys, medical help, a shrink, videos etc... nothing has helped. But over the past few weeks I have been talking and joking with another man. I have sent him a few pictures of myself in under garments and he has done the same. Currently nothing has happened other then the exchange! But since I have been talking to him my desire for sex with my husband has gone from little to nothing. Not only the desire is gone but the ability to orgasm with him as well. All I think about is this other man. When I think about him and masturbate I have not issues reaching an orgasm. And now I can't stop thinking about cheating. Normally my husband and I have a open relationship if I want a girl partner but he would not have me with another man! Has anyone had an issue like this? If so what did you do and what was the outcome? Thanks
05/12/2011
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El-Jaro El-Jaro
It sounds like you already have an affair going on, an emotional one. Before you started talking to this other guy, were you able to figure out what the main issues where?

I've been here a couple times in different relationships and it always came down to communication with my partner. Both times I realized that I was done with the first relationship and wanted to explore more options. Admittedly though, both of those times the relationship was already all but over.

Good luck!
05/12/2011
Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
I had a similar experience about a year ago with a boyfriend. He and I had no chemistry and sex always seemed like a chore. I did everything I could to possibly put the spark back into things and it had gotten to the point where we hadn't even really touched each other in over six months of our year long relationship. Someone else caught my eye and I ended up giving in to my desires and hated myself for it. I think what I was really looking for was an exit strategy. I'd say to save yourself from the guilt and shame by breaking things off. I know it will be hard but it will be a lot easier than breaking things off after having cheated and having to live with the awful feeling that you hurt someone else.

My situation was incredibly horrible because the guy had a girlfriend he'd been with for years. My boyfriend was nothing but kind to me even though we had a huge disconnect. I had to not only deal with my relationship crumbling and ultimately ending but I had to deal with the feeling of being responsible for hurting someone I didn't even know.

Trying to keep things a secret if you do give in is also inviting a lot of undue stress and complications into your life. I know that I was a wreck in the week it took me to come clean to my boyfriend.

I wish you the best in your situation and I know from experience that it is a very hard situation to deal with.
05/20/2011
Sex'и'Violence Sex'и'Violence
Quote:
Originally posted by LilDebi
My husband and I have been together for 5 years now, but sexually I'm just not happy. We have tried toys, medical help, a shrink, videos etc... nothing has helped. But over the past few weeks I have been talking and joking with another man. I ... More
I think the most important thing here would be to talk with your husband and let him know where you're at, and what you feel exactly. In this kind of situation honesty and open communication is the only way to go about it. Speaking as a male who has been on both sides of a very similar fence at one point or another, the worst thing that you could do (assuming these feelings wont pass, and you want to "save" your relationship) is to keep quiet and let him keep trying. As much as men can be a little dense at times, we're pretty adept at knowing when a woman is upset, or if she really just isn't in to something- even if we tend to have a hard time figuring out the "why" behind it all. Eventually, if you keep quiet long enough he'll get discouraged and move on without you.

A little trick I learned while I was in University for broaching uncomfortable subjects is aptly referred to as the "shit sandwich" meaning that for every one "bad" thing or point to improve, you point out two good things that that person does. Doing this lets you be honest about the situation and is less likely to anger the person (in this case, your husband) because it helps to put everything in perspective. Ultimately he might get mad anyway. He might freak out and leave you, he might do.. well a lot of things. But when you are in a long term or serious relationship your "problems" aren't just yours to bare, they affect both of you and your family. As your husband, he needs to take this in stride and help you find a solution that works for both of you and if he's not willing to try and do that than maybe he's just not ready for the scope of relationship that you are.

I hope that helps.
J.
05/20/2011
viridian3701 viridian3701
have good communication or why even have a commitment to someone.
06/25/2011
kendra30752 kendra30752
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
It sounds like you already have an affair going on, an emotional one. Before you started talking to this other guy, were you able to figure out what the main issues where?

I've been here a couple times in different relationships and it ... More
This is very close to what I was going to say. It sounds like the affair is happening already.
09/03/2011
AndromedaJane AndromedaJane
Quote:
Originally posted by LilDebi
My husband and I have been together for 5 years now, but sexually I'm just not happy. We have tried toys, medical help, a shrink, videos etc... nothing has helped. But over the past few weeks I have been talking and joking with another man. I ... More
So it's been 5 months. Any improvement?
10/26/2011
STM STM
Be honest and communicate. I went through this a couple of years ago and when I talked to my husband to let him know what was wrong and how far it had gone he really wanted to try to fix it. He really started treating me like I wanted to be treated and paying attention to me. Our problem was just a communication thing. Good Luck!
12/10/2011
SaraU29 SaraU29
From what I've seen, if you're wanting to cheat, your relationship is probably over if you're not just bored.
12/21/2011
zecookiepuss zecookiepuss
Talk to your hubby and put out an ultimatum that includes you having an even more open relationship and includes guys. If he's unwilling and you're unsatisfied sexually it's time to get out... sorry, but it doesn't get better from here unless there's some major changes. Perhaps you being with another man will put a spark back for you and your husband. Who knows... maybe he'd like the idea of you being with someone else... at this point you should at least try.
02/08/2012
hey steady hey steady
Our relationship developed from affairs...both of us where with other people when we meet...so it has always been a risk that one of us would stray...but we have managed very well by keeping our sex life as interesting as possible and being everything to each other...lover, wife, mistress and most importantly best mate! It's all going well so far x
02/24/2012
HugsAndBites HugsAndBites
what ever you decide- just be honest. He deserves that and you dont want to regret not saying what you really meant and felt.
Its pretty much already been said that your already emotionally in another relationship. your best choice would be to end it now before you do what your already imagining.... wouldn't you want him to be honest with you if roles were reversed?
02/24/2012
tigertiger tigertiger
Quote:
Originally posted by LilDebi
My husband and I have been together for 5 years now, but sexually I'm just not happy. We have tried toys, medical help, a shrink, videos etc... nothing has helped. But over the past few weeks I have been talking and joking with another man. I ... More
cheating isn't going to solve the problems with your husband.
03/05/2012
SubmissiveFeminist SubmissiveFeminist
Talk to him as openly as possible. Let me know that you're really concerned. It sounds really selfish, but if you're not being satisfied, it may not be the right relationship for you. Best of luck. xx
03/07/2012
hillys hillys
good communication helps
03/09/2012
Various Various
Is it possible you are just bored? Take some alone time with your husband to try to rekindle what you used to have. Don't take the chance of messing things up by cheating.
03/09/2012
Dawnie Dawnie
I've been in that exact same situation.. don't do it.. you will only regret it later.
Now, if you find yourself 'Loving' that person.. then you should take some action. If you truly loved the first one, you wouldn't be able to love the second one so easily.
03/14/2012
madpupalex0 madpupalex0
Quote:
Originally posted by LilDebi
My husband and I have been together for 5 years now, but sexually I'm just not happy. We have tried toys, medical help, a shrink, videos etc... nothing has helped. But over the past few weeks I have been talking and joking with another man. I ... More
the only way my girlfriend and i found to stop the allure of another person was for that person to leave for awhile he realized she liked him and it was destroying our relationship so he left, and after two months when he came back she was fine and never even considered cheating on me. we still see this friend and she doesn't think about going after him.
03/23/2012
Oliver Gray Oliver Gray
Quote:
Originally posted by LilDebi
My husband and I have been together for 5 years now, but sexually I'm just not happy. We have tried toys, medical help, a shrink, videos etc... nothing has helped. But over the past few weeks I have been talking and joking with another man. I ... More
I really hope you're okay. I know sometimes things happen and we can't help it. Just try to be honest and open. Best wishes.
03/24/2012
GS500 GS500
OP hasn't been around for a year...
03/27/2012
dks210 dks210
It sounds like you're already having an emotional affair. Either stop what you're doing immediately, or leave your husband. Though I'm sure you care about your husband, it doesn't seem like either of you care about each other enough to spend the rest of your lives together.

I hope everything's going okay with you now.
03/29/2012
Librarian Librarian
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
It sounds like you already have an affair going on, an emotional one. Before you started talking to this other guy, were you able to figure out what the main issues where?

I've been here a couple times in different relationships and it ... More
I agree with JR. It's an emotional affair going on.

It almost sounds like you've emotionally jumped ship, or maybe you're eyeing the life raft, and now you've subconsciously cut yourself off from your hubby.

Try romancing your husband instead, if you want. Try re-committing to him. Maybe it's not new toys or new positions you need, but some rekindling of emotions...
06/08/2012
sweetnikki12 sweetnikki12
If your husband isnt cutting it for you anymore, leave him but dont cheat
07/30/2012
3TLOVER 3TLOVER
Quote:
Originally posted by Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
I had a similar experience about a year ago with a boyfriend. He and I had no chemistry and sex always seemed like a chore. I did everything I could to possibly put the spark back into things and it had gotten to the point where we hadn't even ... More
i agree!!!
08/02/2012
Total posts: 24
Unique posters: 24