Does it get better or should I just get used to it?

fly1212 fly1212
fly1212
Related to: 
It's a bit cliche I know but our sex life used to be fulfilling and crazy hot. Since having our first child it went down to mechanical and infrequent. We've recently had our second and the mere discussion of anything bordering on intimacy is met with disdain. I love my children more than anything and I am in love with my wife as I have ever been. I love most things about my life. Is this really where the sex ends. Should I buy a rocking chair?
06/17/2013
  • Weekly Special: Hot Vibes! Buy 1 Vibrator And Get 1 FREE
  • Better Price Sale - Save 50%
  • Better Price Sale - Save 70%
  • Better Price Sale - Save 60%
  • Better Price - Save 40%
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
MrWill MrWill
Quote:
Originally posted by fly1212
It's a bit cliche I know but our sex life used to be fulfilling and crazy hot. Since having our first child it went down to mechanical and infrequent. We've recently had our second and the mere discussion of anything bordering on intimacy is ... More
Besides the children: What has changed? More than likely, stress levels have shot through the roof, you are both working or exhausted most of the time you are around each other, and it's quite probable both of your bodies have changed.



My first tip: Chase her again. I'm by no means trying to put all the weight on your shoulders, but put effort into making her feel wanted. Make her feel sexy again, without the goal being sex every time. Her attitude will change, as will yours. It's a matter of keeping the home fires burning while you are tending to the day to day duties.

Second tip: Get away from the children once in a while. It's natural to want to stick right there with them all the time, but it isn't good for your marriage. Go eat somewhere alone, even if it is McDonald's. Go grab coffee one morning while the kids are at G-ma and Pa's.


There isn't a one size fits all answer, but I suspect (as happens in most marriages) the "romance" has dwindled. Bring it back, and I would imagine things will change!
06/17/2013
fly1212 fly1212
Quote:
Originally posted by MrWill
Besides the children: What has changed? More than likely, stress levels have shot through the roof, you are both working or exhausted most of the time you are around each other, and it's quite probable both of your bodies have ... More
All valid input I appreciate your response. Thank you for taking the time.
06/17/2013
charmedtomeetyou charmedtomeetyou
I agree that romance is nice. Also, with two small kids, sometimes the most attractive thing in a partner is them lending a hand. Volunteer to take them to the park and suggest she take a bubble bath and relax. Or help with bedtime...maybe take a night shift if your little ones still get up at night. There is nothing sexier to a Mom than a man who helps with the kids.
06/17/2013
MrWill MrWill
Quote:
Originally posted by fly1212
All valid input I appreciate your response. Thank you for taking the time.
Not a problem. I'm a 24 year old single male, but I've seen it many times in friends relationships.

Just give romance a shot. It sounds like corny chick flick crap, but it usually works!
06/17/2013
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by charmedtomeetyou
I agree that romance is nice. Also, with two small kids, sometimes the most attractive thing in a partner is them lending a hand. Volunteer to take them to the park and suggest she take a bubble bath and relax. Or help with bedtime...maybe take a ... More
I like this response...the woman is probably exhausted and I can't speak form personal experience as I've never had a kid, but I'd imagine I would be hesitant to get down and dirty while there's a mountain of laundry and all the other chores plus three additional people to take care of...if you are already lending a hand, kudos!! (And do it more often.)
06/17/2013
charmedtomeetyou charmedtomeetyou
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
I like this response...the woman is probably exhausted and I can't speak form personal experience as I've never had a kid, but I'd imagine I would be hesitant to get down and dirty while there's a mountain of laundry and all the other ... More
I know there were many days I would trade a romantic dinner/flowers/wooing for some quiet alone time and a hot bath.

and after that alone time, with the house under control...I'm much more likely to be in the mood for some play.
06/17/2013
fly1212 fly1212
Everything is fine inthe household with regard to the division of labor. That is not to say that it is stress free. Raising two kids is hard for sure and it takes a lot of energy and patience. I keep in shape, work out 2 to 3 times a week and play hockey on the weekends. I cook, keep the yard mowed, help with the kiddos and work a 50 hour week on the side. I'm no slouch in other words.
06/17/2013
surreptitious surreptitious
Quote:
Originally posted by MrWill
Besides the children: What has changed? More than likely, stress levels have shot through the roof, you are both working or exhausted most of the time you are around each other, and it's quite probable both of your bodies have ... More
I just wanted to mention that I think that this is a great response. When I'm in a long term relationship, I really miss being chased, and it does tend to make me feel much less sexy. I know that it's not possible to meet one another all over again, but if you can try some new things that you've never had the chance to, I find that it really helps to keep things fresh. Even cheesy things like picnics or playing video games together (or whatever the two of /you/ enjoy doing) can really put you in a good mindset, and that can really go a long way to putting both partners in the mood.
06/17/2013
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Every situation is different. My wife went through a fairly long period (from 30-40) where sex was more obligation than pleasure. In spite of her having at least 1 strong orgasm each time - it never translated into the desire for more frequent contact.

Then - at about 40, the light went on. She showed great appreciation for my efforts and her interest in sex gradually increased.

All I can say is don't give up. Although I have no proof that being attentive to her needs made any difference, it seems to me that it must.

Good luck.
06/17/2013
ImaGodiva ImaGodiva
As half of a couple with a history of a very strong sex life who had two kids in 15 months, I can empathize with you. There are so many changes that happen to a woman (and a couple) after childbirth, it can be hard to get back on your feet with intimacy. It took us many months just to have the energy to do much after our 2nd child came along, we were so busy. We did a lot of "falling asleep on the couch while cuddling" and telling each other "FYI, I really WANT to want you" for a couple of years, but we came back with a vengeance eventually.

First, please rule out post-partum depression, which can continue (or even begin) for a new mom long after childbirth. Talk to her about her feelings and if she feels sad, overwhelmed, anxious, or apathetic, see if she's interested in discussing it with a doctor or counselor.

Hormones are almost certainly affecting her, usually peaking right after childbirth and then gradually returning to normal (this can take weeks, months, even years). If she is breastfeeding, that keeps the hormones crazy-high until at least a couple of months after breastfeeding is discontinued. Hormones can affect desire, lubrication, patience, attention span, and of course mood. Try to be understanding, and communicate with her to try to understand her feelings, and understand that sometimes it's not her talking, it's the hormones (this is not a sentence you should repeat to her! If there are hormones affecting her, she's frustrated by it too, and she doesn't want to be told she's not fully in control of them).

Birth control? If you don't have a reliable method in place, she may be unwilling to take any risks. So make sure this isn't a problem.

Your sex life has the best chance of returning to normal (maybe the "old normal," maybe a "new normal") if you can keep communication open and figure out ways to overcome the challenges that are preventing sex now. To do that, you need to know what's going on with her:

Is she exhausted or overwhelmed? Try to take over for an afternoon and let her do something for herself (pedicure? Time with her best friend? Afternoon in bed with a good book?). Let her know you care about her and understand.

Is she feeling like there's no time for you to be together? Get a babysitter or hit up a relative to take the kids for a few hours and "stay in."

Some moms (and dads) are just so focused on being the best mom (or dad) that they can be, that it leaves little time for anything else. This situation might require a counselor to help figure out how to get everyone's needs met.

If something bigger is going on, like she's angry or resentful for some reason, or there are marital conflicts contributing to the problem, see a counselor.

If everything is fine, try to spoil her. MrWill had great ideas. The more special she feels, the more she may want to give. But don't ever do something with the expectation that she will return the favor with sex.

Chances are that she is also not feeling good (maybe even guilty or self-conscious) about the changes in your sex life, and asking or pushing her to have sex will make her pull further away. You want to do other things to help her out or make her feel special, and hopefully that will lead to her to approach you, wanting more. If she's not open at all to sex, don't push the idea or keep bringing it up. This is most important! If she already knows you want her 24/7, let her come to you when she's ready. If you feel ignored or your needs have no hope of being met, see a counselor.

Communication is key! If you can't communicate with her effectively, once again it's probably time for a counselor.

This is the kind of thing that can lead to big problems in a marriage, so don't just let it stew.

Oh, and make sure the bedroom door locks.
06/17/2013
MrWill MrWill
Quote:
Originally posted by surreptitious
I just wanted to mention that I think that this is a great response. When I'm in a long term relationship, I really miss being chased, and it does tend to make me feel much less sexy. I know that it's not possible to meet one another all over ... More
I just want to say thank you for giving me blog fodder.

Keeping The Homefire Burning: How To Rekindle A Dead Love Life
06/17/2013
SaucyxGirl SaucyxGirl
After children it can be a little rough. Energy levels can be low and it isn't really that uncommon for the sex drive to take a hit.

If possible I would devote a night a week for just you two. Consider it a date night. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, and hell you don't even have to go out could be a simple dinner and movie at home. See if maybe family or a friend can take the little ones for a few hours and spend that time just reconnecting as a couple. It doesn't even have to be an evening, it could be a lunch date if that makes it easier to find childcare.

I would say hang in there. This kind a sexual slump isn't that uncommon and yes things can and do improve
06/17/2013
Zombirella Zombirella
I don't have a child yet. But maybe after the kids are asleep or napping, you could do something relaxing for her to start to set the mood? Like maybe run her a bubble bath? Get a scent that is relaxing like lavender or one that you know she will love. I wish EF still sold the Dona Chromotherapy here, but you can get it elsewhere. It scents the water and turns it a color. I like to get the same scent in the bubble bath and have a relaxing, pretty colored, nice smelling bubble bath.
Or get yourself some massage oils or a massage candle and give her a soothing massage. Just be really affectionate while doing these things, kisses and such?
Those reuseable hot heart massagers here are really nice for couples. Maybe get a small massaging wand. Our first one was like the Wanachi Mini wand here to add to a massage.
Do you have sex toys? If not, I recommend starting out with a bullet or a smaller, thin traditional style one. He is the one that got the toy thing started in our relationship and the first one I had a was a multi-speed bullet.

I hope something that we have all suggested can help you out!
06/17/2013
KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
Do something different. Humans get bored with the same stuff, so on top of everyone else's advice, tell her a new fantasy, or enact one of hers.
06/17/2013
edeneve edeneve
Quote:
Originally posted by fly1212
It's a bit cliche I know but our sex life used to be fulfilling and crazy hot. Since having our first child it went down to mechanical and infrequent. We've recently had our second and the mere discussion of anything bordering on intimacy is ... More
I agree w/ some suggestions already made. offering my opinion may be repetitive, however, I do have some other suggestions. and, they are based on personal experience.

by no means give up & get a rocking chair. first of all, any good relationships takes work and from both partners. how much are you putting into your relationship that makes it good? the same is true for her. the word "work" sounds daunting, however, the work can be fun, not a burdensome thing you gotta do. creating and adding other meaning-full things to your relationship will, over time, take her focus off of only your kids because it will promote a wider scope to your lives & a better relationship for you which I'm sure she wants too & probably doesn't know what to do about it. take a sincere interest in her daily life, wants, feelings, problems she has as well as the relationship problems.

talk to her about her feelings. be understanding and compassionate as much as you can. and don't try to FIX anything that brings up those feelings unless she asks for it. that's not what we want. we're wanting to be heard & understood. this lets her know you care about how she feels as well as care about her overall.

and talk about the problems in your relationship w/o accusing, badgering, or blaming. keep the focus on the problem, not the person. discussing these problems while focusing on brainstorming together to find positive changes and solutions. then start working on some of them. working on all of them at the same time will be overwhelming & you'll just throw in the & get that rocker after all. working through those problems is a huge part of creating a good relationship.

talk to her & find out what she wants in her daily life. show her you really want to know and care about whatever she says and don't bring up sex yet. that will just fuel her feeling that's all you want from her. then help her out. it will relieve her from a lot of stress and show her you really care about her. be consistent w/ doing the things you do to help her whether she shows appreciation or not. don't ever stop because she will feel you never really cared to help out. when she see's you're really sincere, you'll get her.
appreciation.

ask her what fun things she likes and do them together regularly. this will bring enjoyment of companionship with each other. and, share the things you enjoy as well & do them together too. bringing fun back into your life snowballs into more desires to want to have fun w/ each other. you can find a way to get reliable care for the kids when away from home.

chase her again like you did when you first dated and add any other things you may want to do to woo her. leaving her feeling that she's the only special woman on earth will affect her positively. she needs to know she's still desirable, wanted, special, sexy. again, as with all the suggestions I make, be consistent doing this even when you initially may not get a response. the response will come eventually as long as you do anything to leave her feeling wanted, desirable, special, sexy consistently. and don't start out with it leading to sex. again, she'll think that's the only reason why you're doing all those romantic things. women love being romanced.

talk to her about what the enjoyable alone time things just for herself are. encourage her to do them. this will help rejuvenate her and actually give her more energy. if she doesn't take care of herself first, she really can't very effectively give much to others & I don't mean spending all her time & energy on others w/ her renewed energy. the more effectively her giving to others is will free up some time for her. by giving all your time and attention to others leaves one depleted.

be affectionate w/ her as often as possible just for the closeness. hold her & cuddle w/ her w/o it automatically leading to sex. this really shows you enjoy doing them w/o sex being the real intent behind the affection & cuddling. we need that affection. and about recreating your sex life w/ her, you will know when the time is right to initiate it. let her know you lust for her. it's quite possible she will unexpectedly respond to any of your efforts at any moment. and, when you are having sex, ask her what she likes or wants and do it. you can offer the same information about yourself too even if she doesn't ask you.

now, I'm not suggesting you are totally responsible in creating a good relationship including getting sex back into your relationship. you are asking for help so you can make your relationship better. so all these suggestions offer things you can do. by doing as many of these ideas offered is your part in working on your relationship. yes, she has as responsibility to work on the relationship too. but if she isn't asking what to do or unable to find ways to do her part, many of the things you do, especially communication consistently and acting on any of these suggestions will help bring about positive changes eventually. and seeing your efforts plus regular communication will help her to realize she needs to do some "work" too. consistency in whatever positive things you do is crucial in making change happen, even if it takes some time for the change to come. and sincerely romancing her, she's sure to respond to it at some point, maybe even fairly soon after you start.

I hope I haven't overwhelmed you. I know there are a lot of suggestions here. read, re-read them. prioritize what you find the easiest to do & then "do", don't just try, "do" pick what you like and leave the rest for some other time. once some suggestions show some positive results, then you can add another to work on.

I can't stress being consistent enough. by giving up on ideas or efforts, nothing will change. if you really do have a loving committed relationship, consistently working on anything to improve it will have good results.

good luck. if you want to talk about any of this further w/ me, feel free to PM me.
06/17/2013
Cinnyree Cinnyree
I agree with everything said but I am going to side step just a little. No matter how much my boyfriend manned up and did the things he should or went all sappy and tried to show me he loved me I was really angry with him for awhile there. He, like most males, didn't find too much joy in our child as an infant. Yes he loved me and yes he loved our son but he never showed him the affection that I thought he should. I know that men respond to babies differently then women do but quite frankly it got me really p.o'ed. If he would have asked I couldn't have answered because in his mind he was attentive but in my eyes he was distant.
It is a very very difficult thing to work through but as long as you listen to her and give her some patience she will come around. For me it meant waiting until my son was to the age that they could play together and I could see the love in his eyes
06/17/2013
Cinnyree Cinnyree
I agree with everything said but I am going to side step just a little. No matter how much my boyfriend manned up and did the things he should or went all sappy and tried to show me he loved me I was really angry with him for awhile there. He, like most males, didn't find too much joy in our child as an infant. Yes he loved me and yes he loved our son but he never showed him the affection that I thought he should. I know that men respond to babies differently then women do but quite frankly it got me really p.o'ed. If he would have asked I couldn't have answered because in his mind he was attentive but in my eyes he was distant.
It is a very very difficult thing to work through but as long as you listen to her and give her some patience she will come around. For me it meant waiting until my son was to the age that they could play together and I could see the love in his eyes
06/17/2013
Cinnyree Cinnyree
I agree with everything said but I am going to side step just a little. No matter how much my boyfriend manned up and did the things he should or went all sappy and tried to show me he loved me I was really angry with him for awhile there. He, like most males, didn't find too much joy in our child as an infant. Yes he loved me and yes he loved our son but he never showed him the affection that I thought he should. I know that men respond to babies differently then women do but quite frankly it got me really p.o'ed. If he would have asked I couldn't have answered because in his mind he was attentive but in my eyes he was distant.
It is a very very difficult thing to work through but as long as you listen to her and give her some patience she will come around. For me it meant waiting until my son was to the age that they could play together and I could see the love in his eyes
06/17/2013
fly1212 fly1212
Quote:
Originally posted by Cinnyree
I agree with everything said but I am going to side step just a little. No matter how much my boyfriend manned up and did the things he should or went all sappy and tried to show me he loved me I was really angry with him for awhile there. He, like ... More
I'm a very involved parent and enjoy all aspects of thr infant and toddler stages. I change diapers, feed them put them to sleep, rock them bond and play with them. I don't subscribe to the caveman mentality or the idea of woman doing all thr care giving. My infant son and toddler daughter are the center of my universe in every way.
06/17/2013
dancingduo dancingduo
Dude...date...night. Get a babysitter (family is normally safe) and get out of the house with her. Kids suck a ton of energy out of everyone...they are a ton of work! But you gotta work on your marriage and sex is part of that.
06/17/2013
fly1212 fly1212
Okay they are officially blue...
08/06/2013
Total posts: 22
Unique posters: 13