Originally posted by
It's a bit cliche I know but our sex life used to be fulfilling and crazy hot. Since having our first child it went down to mechanical and infrequent. We've recently had our second and the mere discussion of anything bordering on intimacy is
It's a bit cliche I know but our sex life used to be fulfilling and crazy hot. Since having our first child it went down to mechanical and infrequent. We've recently had our second and the mere discussion of anything bordering on intimacy is met with disdain. I love my children more than anything and I am in love with my wife as I have ever been. I love most things about my life. Is this really where the sex ends. Should I buy a rocking chair?
I agree w/ some suggestions already made. offering my opinion may be repetitive, however, I do have some other suggestions. and, they are based on personal experience.
by no means give up & get a rocking chair. first of all, any good relationships takes work and from both partners. how much are you putting into your relationship that makes it good? the same is true for her. the word "work" sounds daunting, however, the work can be fun, not a burdensome thing you gotta do. creating and adding other meaning-full things to your relationship will, over time, take her focus off of only your kids because it will promote a wider scope to your lives & a better relationship for you which I'm sure she wants too & probably doesn't know what to do about it. take a sincere interest in her daily life, wants, feelings, problems she has as well as the relationship problems.
talk to her about her feelings. be understanding and compassionate as much as you can. and don't try to FIX anything that brings up those feelings unless she asks for it. that's not what we want. we're wanting to be heard & understood. this lets her know you care about how she feels as well as care about her overall.
and talk about the problems in your relationship w/o accusing, badgering, or blaming. keep the focus on the problem, not the person. discussing these problems while focusing on brainstorming together to find positive changes and solutions. then start working on some of them. working on all of them at the same time will be overwhelming & you'll just throw in the & get that rocker after all. working through those problems is a huge part of creating a good relationship.
talk to her & find out what she wants in her daily life. show her you really want to know and care about whatever she says and don't bring up sex yet. that will just fuel her feeling that's all you want from her. then help her out. it will relieve her from a lot of stress and show her you really care about her. be consistent w/ doing the things you do to help her whether she shows appreciation or not. don't ever stop because she will feel you never really cared to help out. when she see's you're really sincere, you'll get her.
ask her what fun things she likes and do them together regularly. this will bring enjoyment of companionship with each other. and, share the things you enjoy as well & do them together too. bringing fun back into your life snowballs into more desires to want to have fun w/ each other. you can find a way to get reliable care for the kids when away from home.
chase her again like you did when you first dated and add any other things you may want to do to woo her. leaving her feeling that she's the only special woman on earth will affect her positively. she needs to know she's still desirable, wanted, special, sexy. again, as with all the suggestions I make, be consistent doing this even when you initially may not get a response. the response will come eventually as long as you do anything to leave her feeling wanted, desirable, special, sexy consistently. and don't start out with it leading to sex. again, she'll think that's the only reason why you're doing all those romantic things. women love being romanced.
talk to her about what the enjoyable alone time things just for herself are. encourage her to do them. this will help rejuvenate her and actually give her more energy. if she doesn't take care of herself first, she really can't very effectively give much to others & I don't mean spending all her time & energy on others w/ her renewed energy. the more effectively her giving to others is will free up some time for her. by giving all your time and attention to others leaves one depleted.
be affectionate w/ her as often as possible just for the closeness. hold her & cuddle w/ her w/o it automatically leading to sex. this really shows you enjoy doing them w/o sex being the real intent behind the affection & cuddling. we need that affection. and about recreating your sex life w/ her, you will know when the time is right to initiate it. let her know you lust for her. it's quite possible she will unexpectedly respond to any of your efforts at any moment. and, when you are having sex, ask her what she likes or wants and do it. you can offer the same information about yourself too even if she doesn't ask you.
now, I'm not suggesting you are totally responsible in creating a good relationship including getting sex back into your relationship. you are asking for help so you can make your relationship better. so all these suggestions offer things you can do. by doing as many of these ideas offered is your part in working on your relationship. yes, she has as responsibility to work on the relationship too. but if she isn't asking what to do or unable to find ways to do her part, many of the things you do, especially communication consistently and acting on any of these suggestions will help bring about positive changes eventually. and seeing your efforts plus regular communication will help her to realize she needs to do some "work" too. consistency in whatever positive things you do is crucial in making change happen, even if it takes some time for the change to come. and sincerely romancing her, she's sure to respond to it at some point, maybe even fairly soon after you start.
I hope I haven't overwhelmed you. I know there are a lot of suggestions here. read, re-read them. prioritize what you find the easiest to do & then "do", don't just try, "do" pick what you like and leave the rest for some other time. once some suggestions show some positive results, then you can add another to work on.
I can't stress being consistent enough. by giving up on ideas or efforts, nothing will change. if you really do have a loving committed relationship, consistently working on anything to improve it will have good results.
good luck. if you want to talk about any of this further w/ me, feel free to PM me.