Having a conversation with a former lover, the question of toys came up. He asked me if I'd ever considered using them, indicating that he would be interested, and I stated that I had been doing so for years. He then turned quite defensive, and wasn't exactly calling me names, but condemned my "cavalier" attitude towards sex. I didn't know what to think, but I found it extremely embarrassing. What would you make of something like that?
Have you ever been shamed because of your use of toys?
06/29/2012
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
When people judge my lifestyle or my choices and I know the choices I made are valid, ethical and good for me, I dismiss these people's lack of openness.
He's a "former" lover for a reason. Why worry about what he thinks? He may be one of those very insecure men who think they can't "compete" with sex toys. He's wrong, being mean and judgmental. WHY would care what he thinks?
Plus, he asked you how you felt about them. It looks to me like he was looking for an opportunity to humiliate you. Why do you want to talk to people who take advantage of you? Forget him and his rigid backwards thinking.
He's a "former" lover for a reason. Why worry about what he thinks? He may be one of those very insecure men who think they can't "compete" with sex toys. He's wrong, being mean and judgmental. WHY would care what he thinks?
Plus, he asked you how you felt about them. It looks to me like he was looking for an opportunity to humiliate you. Why do you want to talk to people who take advantage of you? Forget him and his rigid backwards thinking.
06/29/2012
Funny thing is, he's one of my best friends. But yes, former for many, many reasons. I don't think he was looking to humiliate me, I think it humiliated him that he wasn't a step ahead of me in this regard. It was a strange time for both of us... but I think I taught him to treat women better, in the long run. It colored my opinion of myself strongly at the time, but it isn't the case anymore.
I was more just asking if people had had similar experience, or if most people's ventures into incorporating variety had been smooth sailing.
I was more just asking if people had had similar experience, or if most people's ventures into incorporating variety had been smooth sailing.
06/29/2012
I'd tell him that it's not exactly up to him what I do in my private time and if I have a "cavalier" attitude towards sex then that's also my decision and thus also not up to him, "So if you don't like it then kindly fuck off."
And depending on how obvious his previous interest in the topic was, I might remind him of it, call him a hypocrite, then laugh in his face.
Can you tell this situation would piss me off royally? Thankfully I've never had anyone attempt to belittle me due to my toy use, but I generally only discuss it with people who I know won't mind.
And depending on how obvious his previous interest in the topic was, I might remind him of it, call him a hypocrite, then laugh in his face.
Can you tell this situation would piss me off royally? Thankfully I've never had anyone attempt to belittle me due to my toy use, but I generally only discuss it with people who I know won't mind.
06/29/2012
It was kind of like walking into a bear trap, yeah...
06/29/2012
Quote:
I guess I can't relate if you weren't asking for input on his reaction. I thought you were asking for that. Some one asks you a question, you answer truthfully, THEN they attempt to make you feel "guilty?" That looks like manipulation and humiliation to me.
Originally posted by
HB042
Funny thing is, he's one of my best friends. But yes, former for many, many reasons. I don't think he was looking to humiliate me, I think it humiliated him that he wasn't a step ahead of me in this regard. It was a strange time for both
...
more
Funny thing is, he's one of my best friends. But yes, former for many, many reasons. I don't think he was looking to humiliate me, I think it humiliated him that he wasn't a step ahead of me in this regard. It was a strange time for both of us... but I think I taught him to treat women better, in the long run. It colored my opinion of myself strongly at the time, but it isn't the case anymore.
I was more just asking if people had had similar experience, or if most people's ventures into incorporating variety had been smooth sailing. less
I was more just asking if people had had similar experience, or if most people's ventures into incorporating variety had been smooth sailing. less
I also don't consider using sex toys the same as being "cavalier" towards sex in general. I've had the same partner for many many years, we're monogamous, yet we use sex toys. Is that "cavalier?" I don't think so.
I'm also very careful about whom I tell about my involvement in sex toys as well as being careful about talking about the details of my sex life at all. For the most part, my partner and my two best friends know. My partner enjoys using sex toys in our sex play with me. My two best friends were both curious about them. One isn't interested in them herself, but wasn't judgmental, the other expressed interest and has been refereed to Eden with my discount code, so she can decide what she wants to do at her leisure.
Like I said, I'm very careful about whom I tell about my sex life, IRL. Some people tend to be judgmental about anything they know nothing about.
06/29/2012
It probably had a lot to do with me hiding my collection from my now husband... and the conversation we had long before I did show him. He brought them up pretty early in our relationship, and I just kind of nodded and smiled. He even presented me with like, the drugstore pocket rocket, and I just had to laugh. I know that I sort of missed the opportunity then, but it just wasn't the TIME... but now that I think about it, that previous conversation probably had more to do with it than I considered.
06/29/2012
Quote:
"I also don't consider using sex toys the same as being "cavalier" towards sex in general. I've had the same partner for many many years, we're monogamous, yet we use sex toys. Is that "cavalier?" I don't think so. "
Originally posted by
P'Gell
I guess I can't relate if you weren't asking for input on his reaction. I thought you were asking for that. Some one asks you a question, you answer truthfully, THEN they attempt to make you feel "guilty?" That looks like
...
more
I guess I can't relate if you weren't asking for input on his reaction. I thought you were asking for that. Some one asks you a question, you answer truthfully, THEN they attempt to make you feel "guilty?" That looks like manipulation and humiliation to me.
I also don't consider using sex toys the same as being "cavalier" towards sex in general. I've had the same partner for many many years, we're monogamous, yet we use sex toys. Is that "cavalier?" I don't think so.
I'm also very careful about whom I tell about my involvement in sex toys as well as being careful about talking about the details of my sex life at all. For the most part, my partner and my two best friends know. My partner enjoys using sex toys in our sex play with me. My two best friends were both curious about them. One isn't interested in them herself, but wasn't judgmental, the other expressed interest and has been refereed to Eden with my discount code, so she can decide what she wants to do at her leisure.
Like I said, I'm very careful about whom I tell about my sex life, IRL. Some people tend to be judgmental about anything they know nothing about. less
I also don't consider using sex toys the same as being "cavalier" towards sex in general. I've had the same partner for many many years, we're monogamous, yet we use sex toys. Is that "cavalier?" I don't think so.
I'm also very careful about whom I tell about my involvement in sex toys as well as being careful about talking about the details of my sex life at all. For the most part, my partner and my two best friends know. My partner enjoys using sex toys in our sex play with me. My two best friends were both curious about them. One isn't interested in them herself, but wasn't judgmental, the other expressed interest and has been refereed to Eden with my discount code, so she can decide what she wants to do at her leisure.
Like I said, I'm very careful about whom I tell about my sex life, IRL. Some people tend to be judgmental about anything they know nothing about. less
That's exactly what I said to him. I felt so weird having to defend my position on it.
06/29/2012
Quote:
Sometimes you don't have to defend yourself. You have a right to what you feel is right for you. You owe him nothing. You don't have to change his mind, nor defend your choices.
Originally posted by
HB042
"I also don't consider using sex toys the same as being "cavalier" towards sex in general. I've had the same partner for many many years, we're monogamous, yet we use sex toys. Is that "cavalier?" I don't
...
more
"I also don't consider using sex toys the same as being "cavalier" towards sex in general. I've had the same partner for many many years, we're monogamous, yet we use sex toys. Is that "cavalier?" I don't think so. "
That's exactly what I said to him. I felt so weird having to defend my position on it. less
That's exactly what I said to him. I felt so weird having to defend my position on it. less
It's really his loss in the end. More and more women are using sex toys, and insecure men who feel "threatened" by them will soon find themselves with a smaller and smaller dating pool.
06/29/2012
Nothing to defend. I love it here
06/29/2012
I have been pretty sex positive my whole life. I actively work on throwing off any shame that I feel about it. No one has actively shamed me, but I have felt the societal shame about it. Screw society, I want to get off!
06/29/2012
Shows someone is close minded and insecure... I had that issue with the first lover I had. Luckily I'm in a relationship where it's accepted and encouraged
06/29/2012
There is a certain amount of- not shame -but secrecy for using toys. I am proud of the fact that I am open and enjoy enhancing our relationship. I also love it when my husband uses toys as well. However--I would not get into that type of a conversation without knowing why they were asking...it seems like it is a setup.
06/29/2012
Quote:
I am too. My husband is very open to whatever can make it more fun, really. What a wonderful thing! I've even bought toys for him, the flip hole, in particular. He was just mind-blown when I handed him the box
Originally posted by
lomejo61
Shows someone is close minded and insecure... I had that issue with the first lover I had. Luckily I'm in a relationship where it's accepted and encouraged
06/29/2012
I would be in shock and not sure what to say or think.
06/29/2012
Total posts: 15
Unique posters: 7