Eternity by Wicked Pictures - review by Better to marry than to burn

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Eternity Eternity

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Guilty, trashy romance novel in porn form

A historical porn that strives to provide a plot to go with its sex. And it generally does what it sets out to do. Very high production values and a decent script go a long way to make up for the limited positions/pairings. Not the most inventive of films, it doesn't want to be more than a good, straight plot driven porn and 'Eternity' accomplishes that easily. Not something for history buffs but a good movie for couples and those who are new to pornography.
Published:
Pros:
Production value, acting, plot, music, good beginner porn, good for couples, special features.
Cons:
Not super inventive, limited pairings/positions, can drag on towards the end.
Rating by reviewer:
4
extremely useful review
It took all of my self-control not to write a scene-by-scene play-by-play for this movie. I mean, in my world, porn is always at least sort of amusing. I don't know how you can watch these movies and not laugh at least a little. The plot, the 'historical' costumes, the names, the fake breasts and the idea that any woman wants three-inch fake nails shoved up her cooch. I cannot, however, deny myself completely and so I indulge in snarky commentary in the Experience section.

I should preface this review with the note that I am a huge fan of indie/amateur pornography and am also a lesbian. But that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy some fun-old-trashy porn!

This is a big-budget, high production value porn that doesn't break any of the traditional rules or push any of the conventional boundaries. We have man-on-woman and woman-on-woman action, fake breasts and shaved vaginas. For a historical porn, its not entirely laughable though. Yes, we're never certain exactly when/where we are located and everyone's American accent can seem slightly ridiculous, not to mention the eye-shadow and wigs and one scene with a glitter beauty mark. Plus, they can't seem to agree if the heroine's name is Sylvia or Sylvie. I suppose it could be that Sylvie is a nickname, but given the context, it doesn't seem likely.

The plot is pretty well covered territory with our poverty-struck heroine Sylvia being forced to marry Sir Adam Dalton to save her family and their farm. He turns out to be evil incarnate and she joins forces with some of the house servants and they all go Robin Hood on him. Sir Adam cheats on her, terrorizes her and she runs away to her one-true-love, Michael, who is killed by Sir Adam. Sylvia kills Sir Adam and passes her off love-child with Michael as a legitimate heir to the Dalton fortune.

There are some fascinating moments, including some high-stepping and agility movements by Pedro the horse and Manuel the stable-boy/groomer/horse breeder from Spain. They also do some interesting things with the music, including 'historical' music during the sex-scenes.

Generally, Eternity delivers what it promises, a high-budget porn with good production values. The story has a plot arch, a villain and sex-scenes that actually work within said plot. All of the actors do what they can with the dialogue and scenes, and this is one of the better mainstream porn films I have ever seen. There is lots of oral sex (blowjobs galore!), two three-some (one guy and two girls), a few scenes with anal sex, and one girl scene at the end.

No one seems particularly aroused during the sex-scenes and there was a little too much cum-on-her-face for my personal taste, but this is a mainstream porn film. Most of the pairings were predictable, and the sex even more so. I didn't find any of the chemistry to be very believable, and even had a hard time imagining that anyone was having any fun. But that seems pretty typical in most porn.

All in all, a good movie. The sex scenes weren't too inventive but the plot was solid, especially for a porn. It is also a loooooong movie, just over two hours and there are tons of special features, including commentary by the lead actress, on the extra DVD. I would recommend anyone who really enjoys involved porn films, but I can also see it being a nice intro for a couple or someone new to porn. Nothing terribly exciting but solid and certainly there isn't anything here that will send you screaming for the hills. Enough plot to balance out the number of blowjobs.
Experience
Eternity began with delicate harpsichord music (or harp, or something plucky) and Scriptina font credits. I could totally squint my eyes and believe I was watching a 1970s Masterpiece Theatre, the 'Snooty Family Saga' or whatever.

We have flashes of a nearly-naked-but-with-full-make-up-bride getting ready for her wedding, at least I assumed that this is her excuse for wearing a tiara. Mom is going on and on about how pretty she is blah blah. I HAVE A LOCKET; 'TIS OUR PLOT DEVICE. The locket has a picture of great-great-great grandma who *shock* looks like A) the bride and B) one of those tourist-y picture things that tints you sepia and claims it's antique.

Okay So we're BACKINTIME (TM)

Daddy Jonathan has died and left Our Heroine (OH), Sylvia, in debt, the bastard. She's poor, and is rolling out dough and she has a fringed shawl that I could probably knit in two hours with size 50 needles. A single candle lights the WHOLE peasant cottage. We are told by Voice-over-Mom that not just are there debts but DEBTS THAT CANNOT BE REPAID. I suspect debt can only be paid with maidenhead and handjobs.

The villian in this particular porn is Sir Adam Dalton, who looks like Tom Selleck's gingery cousin. Sir Adam Dalton is very rich and powerful and is going to evict poor Sylvia and her mother. Sylvia, by the way, has fantastic nails for the 19th century and some amazingly collagenated lips.

Voice-over-Mom tells us that Tom Selleck, er, Sir Adam Dalton, was quite taken with Sylvia. I might have to question that observation. BUT Mom intends to make him an offer not even Dalton could refuse: Sylvia's hand in marriage (and in hand jobs I am guessing). Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, Voice-over-Mom reveals, before all that feting and happiness can take place, Sylvia has to end things with her hot boy toy Daniel.

Unlike Tom Selleck the Red, Daniel is young and also a peasant. (Note: What era is this?? I thought from the box it was 19th century but it is so Ye Olde Renaissance Faire my teeth hurt.) Needless to say that Daniel is very sad that he A) cannot marry Sylvie/Sylvia and B) that he has a leather thong holding his shirt closed. Also, Daniel lives in the barn. I don't think we're supposed to think it's a barn, but it is. Oooh, Sylvia wants to share a last night with Daniel. I hope it's hot. Also, they ARE in a stable and the stable door is open and Daniel, close that shit before the neighbors come by! They make out. This movie is actually bad/good enough that I keep waiting for the director to discreetly pan away to a cow chewing its cud and then cut back to the morning after. Good job movie, you surprised me.

So, for our position menu du-jour: face-to-face with her leg in the air and reverse cowgirl (do we call it reverse-knight for a medieval/regency/Victorian movie?). Thus ends Scene 1.
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer. This review is in compliance with the FTC guidelines.
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Comments
  • Victoria
    Nice review!!! It's thorough and entertaining! Thanks!
  • Better to marry than to burn
    Thanks for the kind words. It was a fun movie to watch and review.
  • Airen Wolf
    Very nice review...I was giggling like a loon. Keep up the good work!
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