Cleaner Torpedo - anal kit by Cal Exotics - review by J's Alley

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Not such a clean run.

Overall my whole cleaner experience led me to believe it is easier not to clean. It was messy, kinda painful, and just bad. I ended up with air in my ass and headache.
Published:
Pros:
Thick
Cons:
Can be too large for beginners, design is seriously flawed.
Rating by reviewer:
2
extremely useful review

Use

I am going to begin with, I do not use this as a toy per say. I use it as a means of cleaning before play (or well, I tried to anyway).

The Cleaner Torpedo is *meant* to clean your anal cavity for anal play. In theory (I think) you should be able to suck the cleaning solution (or water if you are me...I don't do enemas or douches) like a turkey baster and then flush yourself out with it.

Now, I was not totally clear as to what I was supposed to do with this utensil. So needless to say I was a bit miffed when my cleaner was opened and I found NO INSTRUCTIONS. What the hell??? Really!!! Ok, so here is what you do (because SOMEONE should put it into writing):

Clean your cleaner...really, rinse it off and out.
Get a clean bowl of tepid water (or cleaner...whatever) and like a baster squeeze the air out and suck up the liquid. Then turn it upside down and squeeze the air out and continue to fill.

I recommend lube for insertion...then squeeze the excess air out and insert as far as is comfortable.

Squeeze the liquid into your rectum, and WITH THE BULB STILL SQUEEZED remove it (because sucking that up is just gross).

You will feel the urge to have a bowel movement and that will release the water.

Rinse and repeat if you would like :)

I tried varied positions, and cannot begin to tell you what worked and what didn't, my best advice is to try several positions for use and see what works best for you (for me lying back kind of worked).

Material / Texture

The torpedo is made of PVC which can be cleaned with soap and warm water and used with silicone and water-based lubes. It is a long smooth shaft that will glide easily when lubricated properly. Unfortunately it is really floppy, so it can bend, making insertion rather annoying until you get the hang of it. Luckily that bending will allow give to those who are new to anal play...so it has it's pros and cons to it.

Design / Shape / Size

Basically this looks like a giant black turkey baster. I am not a fan of the design, but it does look more like a tool rather than a toy, so for me that works out well. It is about 1 1/8 inches thick, but for some reason it feels like more to me (maybe that is the material). I don't really care for the size, I would have preferred a smaller size to aid in actual use. Insertion was difficult and use was awful for me. I would say anyone new to anal play could have issues with the shape.

The design was just a disaster for me and I will go over that in performance area. Luckily this item makes no noise, and can easily be hidden, but don't leave it lying around because you will have either a bad conversation coming your way, or you will see granny basting the Thanksgiving Turkey with it (clearly a design flaw if you ask me).

Performance

Ok, well...let's begin with I was never able to fill it to where I wasn't forcing air into my ass...sexy right? Yeah, I thought so too. Then, because the PVC is thick my hand got tired and tried to release the bulb which would have sucked up what I had just pushed it...ugh.

Beyond the liquid issues...insertion was terrible. The 5.5 inch shaft was too bendy and kept falling over, and it was too thick to insert comfortably. I almost felt as if I needed to warm up using a plug or dildo before I cleaned out. This is a huge issue for me because I don't see this to be remotely new user friendly and could possibly leave a bad taste in someone's mouth causing them to potentially dislike anal play (I know a year or two ago I would have reacted that way).

I really had no good experiences with this item. The shaft was flimsy and thick and the overall experience was messy for me.

Care and Maintenance

As I said before clean with warm water and soap, but be sure to rinse thoroughly because soap can irritate your anal lining. You cannot boil or bleach this item, so no sterilizing (which is gross given it's job if you ask me).

Water or silicone lubes are fine. I strongly recommend water-based because it is soluble in the water or solution you use and it will come out easily :) See, think ahead.

Umm, storage...I wouldn't keep it in the bathroom. Mine, well, it went to live under the sink. I doubt I will use it again, so I didn't worry about storage really.

A big issue for me? There is no way to dry the inside and I think that can potentially cause a hazard. We are talking warm, moist, and dark. This is a bacterial infection waiting to happen in my opinion since the one hole in it is small.

Experience

Ok, here we go. I tried like 374 different ways to insert and squirt and none of them worked. When I laid back on my bed and did it (legs in the air...it was a sight let me tell ya') I managed to get water and God knows what else everywhere. This was not a fun experience for me. I ended up with more air than liquid in my ass, and I didn't feel any cleaner. I think I will take my chances in the future with no cleaner torpedo.
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer. This review is in compliance with the FTC guidelines.
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Comments
  • LicentiouslyYours
    LicentiouslyYours  
    I do agree, this would be better if you could open it up to clean it and if it were made of boilable material.
  • Kayla
    Kayla  
    Gotta say I giggled over your experience. I'm sorry. Smile It was a good review, though. Enemas aren't too bad, really. This is just not the tool for it. Thanks for the review.
  • Sammi
    Sammi  
    I've never tried one of these, and I don't think I will Smile
    Good review!
  • J's Alley
    J's Alley  
    In the future I will seriously be passing on this thing...the sanitary issues alone are a good reason for me Smile

    Thanks for your comments and I am glad my experience amused you Mistress Kay Big smile
  • Viktor Vysheslav Malkin
    Viktor Vysheslav Malkin  
    Awesome review! Big smile

    Sucks about the design though Sad face
  • Minxy
    Minxy  
    Great review. I, like Mistress Kay had a tiny chuckle.
  • NuMe
    NuMe  
    Very good review, thanks!
  • J's Alley
    J's Alley  
    Aww, y'all are just too much! Thanks for the feedback! And even J (my husband) had a good laugh about it.
  • ScottA
    ScottA  
    I tried the Cleaner Missile and it was pretty bad too. If you're careful you can fill it all the way, but it takes a long time. On the second use mine sprang a leak at the joint and is now retired. I have a StreemMaster Mini that I like much better.
  • SadoMas
    SadoMas  
    ty
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