Sportcuffs - velcro handcuffs discontinued by Sportsheets - review by Vaccinium

I understand why these cuffs are named Sportscuffs; after all, the manufacturer is Sportsheets. That said, the prescribed use for these cuffs is anything but sporty. When I think sports, I think football, basketball, soccer, etc. Conversely, when I think of bondage cuffs, my mind conjures imagery of restraint and immobility. So, how do they relate? Well, Sportscuffs do look a bit like hi-tech wrist bands. I can just imagine an interview with a football player about them...

Interviewer: "Welcome back to the postgame celebration here at Super Bowl XLV. I'm here with the winning quarterback from tonight's classic match-up. So, how did you do it?"

Quarterback: "It was a team effort and the closeness we feel as a team made the difference. I have to thank my teammates, coaching staff, and my Sportscuffs for putting me in the position to make plays."

Interviewer: "Sportscuffs?"

Quarterback: "Absolutely. Their neoprene construction made certain they shed my sweat instead of absorbing it and making my wrist heavy, and the adjustable Velcro straps stopped any sweat from reaching my hands. Man, is the neoprene comfortable too. It's like silk caressing your wrist. All the skill position players use them. Some of the linemen and linebackers too, although those with wrists greater than 11 inches around find them too difficult to wear. And at 1.75 inches wide, they don't take up much space on my wrist either. The equipment managers love them too, as the red, purple, and black color options match with most uniforms, they are nearly unbreakable because of the strong seams, and they can just toss them in with the jerseys to wash them."

Interviewer: "OK... So, wouldn't wrist bands work just as well?"

Quarterback: "Naw, like I said, my wrists get heavy with regular cuffs. Anyway, they are much more fun in the locker room than regular wrist bands."

Interviewer: "Wha... What do you mean?"

Quarterback: "Come on, man. You played football. You know what happens in locker rooms."

Interviewer: "I... I... I don't know what you're talking about."

Quarterback: "This is football, man. We pat teammates' butts all game long. I fondle my center's junk before each snap. We get into huge piles of sweaty men, and you know perfectly well about all the grabbing that goes on under those piles. And all the snapping towels in the locker room after the game..."

Interviewer: "That's true, but..."

Quarterback: "So, yeah, with all that happening on the field, we're so excited that we can't wait to get back to the locker room to... you know."

Interviewer: "Uh..."

Quarterback: "BDSM, man. That's what it's all about. When all the media clears out of here that's when we really get down to business, and that's when Sportscuffs really shine."

Interviewer: "I... Um... Er..."

Quarterback: "Dude, seriously. This is 2011. Get over yourself. Anyway, as you know, when you guys leave we'll all get naked, and the linemen lead some of us into the showers and tie us to the shower heads. The rest of us lie down on the benches and get tied up there. The chrome slip-ring on each cuff and the single swiveling dog clip work great for binding our wrists together quickly, so we don't have to wait long at all to get down to business. Man are they are tough, too. I've been in the league for how many years now, and the chrome hasn't chipped nor has the metal broken or bent at all. I only wish they came with two dog clips instead of one. That way we could be clipped spread-eagled to two separate shower heads or benches instead of getting our hands looped over one shower head. We're all multi-millionaires and I guess we're too cheap to go out and buy a two-dollar dog clip to make it happen. Funny, huh?"

Interviewer: "I'm speechless."

Quarterback: "I forgot to mention. We also have extra ones in the locker room for our ankles. They work just as well there as they do on the wrists. I did learn the hard way though that Sportscuffs aren't meant to be used for suspending people. As comfortable as they are, they can cut off circulation to your hands if you get hung up by them. You know those games I missed earlier in the season? Well, the reason wasn't because of what was reported in the media. You can't pass a ball you can hardly feel, right?"

Interviewer: "No. I guess not."

Quarterback: "Hey, man, you still look in pretty good shape. You want to stay behind after the rest of the media leaves?"

Interviewer: "OK... Well... That's it from down here in the locker room. I'll rejoin the rest of you in the press box... in a couple hours."