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Udderly Weird

Curious about having some kind of weird alien, machine play? Like sensations? Like the feeling of having your boobs sucked in large cups? Cow play? Then try these beauties...
Published:
Pros:
They do what they say they do,and they suction extremely well.
Cons:
Difficult to use on your own. Horrid color.
Rating by reviewer:
4
extremely useful review

Use

Suction Mistress .... or I lovingly call these the cow pumps. They remind me of a milking station where all the cows are lined up for milking. Do they work? Yes siree. Quite well in the suction department to the point of sitting comfortably or painfully sucking the bejeebus out of my boobs. They could be genderless. I'm not entirely sure how these fit on a guy as the male friends who I normally con into being guinea pigs were no way playing along this time.

Material / Texture

The cups are a seamless hard plastic and you have hosing that connects each tube and a hose that connects to the two breast tubes and the main pump hose, so it literally looks like a Y when all connected together. The cups have a rubber rim around the base which is slightly soft and helps create a better suction, these are removable for cleaning. The hoses are extremely stiff and every component of the toy is able to come apart, cups, pump and hosing. The bulb was already connected to it's hose so I didn't have any issues with needing to connect that but again wetting the fitting will help muchly. The whole thing does have a slight plastic/rubber smell which I'm not entirely fussed on.

It's disgustingly pink and if I had a choice it would have been the last color I would have chosen but for some odd reason it's the only color available. Think horrid 70's pink.
    • Light odor

Shape / Design / Size / Fit

It is not the easiest toy to put together but not that hard once you get the hang of it, I could find way better things to whinge about like the color. They are a tight fit to ensure proper suction. Putting the hosing together is the difficult part but I found wetting each end before connecting them made it way more easier to connect.

If you have a size B cup or less they will fit the entire breast. I have DD breasts so I found when fully suctioned I could get about half of each breast into the cups. It wasn't really an issue as the suction still did what it was designed to do but it would be cool if they catered for all breast sizes.

Because the hosing is so stiff you look like a bit of a dork wearing it. Once it is suctioned on the hosing juts out and kind of hangs outwards and down in front of you and it's just odd. Lying down with this toy on isn't an option really unless you are into lying in stupid uncomfortable positions. Doggy style on hands and knees however is great.

If the suction does get too intense like it did at times for me, then there is a quick release valve on the top of the pump so you can adjust the suction levels. It can get quite painful if you have them suctioned too much.

It is a royal pain in the behind trying to get them on by yourself. I found I had to position each one centered over each nipple then kind of hold them with one arm enough to be able to start pumping with my free hand. Once suction is achieved then it's a lot easier to manipulate.
    • Strong pressure
    • Tight clamping

Functions / Performance / Controls

Once the cups are suctioned on they stay on extremely well. When you get used to the level of suction you can increase it with half pumps until the desired suction is achieved. The quick release valve is quick and easy to use and is just a simple button at the top of the pump and releases fast. However if you have larger boobs even after the suction is decreased I found I still had a small amount of suction present when taking them off. It will leave bruising if left on a tight suction for long periods of time.

It stays put. You can run around just be careful you don't knock someone out with the hosing and pump that juts out, seriously!

Does it create a tingly sensation? For me no. It felt awesome but I also felt like a complete tool. Think cows in a milking station and you have the right idea.
    • Hard to put on / take off
    • Stays on well

Care and Maintenance

Every component can be pulled apart and cleaned which is great. It consists of AVS and PVC plastics so clean with warm water and antibacterial soap. You may also use an absolutely universal solution - a sex toy cleaner. It can be pulled apart for storage and I do this by detaching all of the hosing for the two cups and keep the pump hose and pump attached. It fits in one of my drawers and I have no real issue with storing it.
    • Easy to clean

Packaging

The packaging is blatantly obvious what they item is inside, containing images on three sides of the box of the breast pump. It's also another horrid pink and I basically threw the box out after I opened it. Would I recommend it as a storage option? No. It was stored inside the box all in a plastic bag. There are no instructions or warranty on the product but you can go to the Doc Johnson site for a warranty, really though, I wouldn't bother.
    • Not discreet
    • Recyclable

Personal comments

Apart from feeling and looking like a complete dork these were pretty cool. I am a sensation slut so always looking for new things to try and these were fun. Will I use them again? Yes. They are weird and can be painful if suctioned too far. They are weird and wonderful and kind of fun in a kinky way.

I hate the color. Hate it.

Experience

Did I mention weird?

The possibilities with these are endless. Alien roleplay, machine sex, milking time .... think kinky and weird and I am sure you'll come up with something fantastic. Imagine a partner blinfolded ... unaware ....
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer. This review is in compliance with the FTC guidelines.
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Comments
  • tom fay
    tom fay  
    thanks
  • gorgeous
    gorgeous  
    Thanks for the review. This just seems odd and I don't think I would have a use for it, but someone will enjoy it.
  • evie.amor
    evie.amor  
    Interesting product, thanks for the review!
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