James Deen signature silicone vibrating cock - realistic vibrator discontinued by Doc Johnson - review by Incendiaire

The first thing you notice about the James Deen dildo once you remove it from the box is that it's big, and I mean really big. You probably think it's one of those things that simply goes without saying, but no matter how many times you've seen images of it on the computer, or watched videos of him waving the real thing around, you can't fully appreciate the size of it until you have it in your hands. From end to end the entire thing measures in at a jaw-dropping 8 1/8" long, and of this a slightly more reasonable 6 1/4" are actually insertable. It's not just the length you have to worry about though, it's the girth, and unexpected girth at that. Around the head it starts off with a relatively modest 5 1/4" circumference, and I says "starts off" because from there on it just keeps getting bigger. The widest point of the dildo is actually at the middle of the shaft, where it measures a full 6 1/2" around, something definitely not for the faint of heart, nor the inexperienced. Thankfully after that it does begin to narrow again somewhat, and finishes off at 5 3/4" just above the balls.

The shape of the dildo, aside from the obvious fact that it's James Deen's penis, is what I would describe as being organic. It's definitely not one of these perfectly uniform dildos you can buy where someone has spent hours painstakingly carving out an idealised penis shape, in fact there's nothing even remotely symmetrical about it. If I'm frank I don't find it especially aesthetically pleasing, you might even say it's a little on the ugly side. I'm no stranger to porn star genitalia and their sex toy derivatives, and I'm afraid this one isn't winning any beauty contests, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this isn't a major point of concern for most people considering buying it. The whole dildo is noticeably lumpy, with equal measure of depressions and knobbly bits across its surface, and the shaft twists and curves along its length, like the trunk of a tree desperately growing towards a faint source of light. The head of the dildo is remarkably small in contrast to the rest, and almost looks out of place. The tip is quite nicely rounded, but then quickly flares out into a very prominent coronal ridge which runs two thirds of the way around. Below the head the shaft steadily continues to get wider, bloating out in the centre, before tapering down again, rather like a gourd. From the side the angle of the shaft leans backwards away from the vertical, before steadily curving forward again almost in a hunchback manner. The base of the dildo is comprised by an impossibly large and cumbersome pair of balls, the like of which I have never encountered before. They measure 4" x 3" x 2", so it's not only that they're deep and wide, but they're also long. It's a solid mound of silicone that suddenly makes it less of a dildo and more like a novelty doorstop for a bordello. Interestingly the balls serve a purpose as a counterweight of sorts, because the lean of the shaft gives the dildo terrible balance, and a slight push backwards makes it liable to start to topple. Personally I don't think that this was the most suitable cast to be used to make a dildo. Had they at least tucked the balls up closer to the shaft then they could have reduced their size, as well as eliminating the lean, and created a more satisfactory result.

The dildo is made entirely from 100% platinum silicone, which is one of its big selling points, as silicone is one of the safest and most superior materials a sex toy can be made from. The silicone seems to be the same formula which Doc Johnson use in many of their other products, and while I'm usually a fan of it in this instance it's a shame. The problem is that for this type of toy it's just too firm. It has a reasonable amount of flex to it, and give in the surface, but when you factor in the shape and the size it could really do with being a lot more plush. The other stickler is the colour; it's a slightly translucent beige colour, the same as The Original, and it doesn't especially add to the realism. Personally I would have hoped that Doc Johnson would have gone the extra mile for this toy, and developed a new silicone formulation with a hue and suppleness which lived up to all the hype, but sadly that was not the case.

When you actually get down to using the dildo it's an interesting experience to say the least. The head begins to go in with relative ease due to its modest dimensions, but it's not long before you feel the prominence of the firm corona scrape somewhat uncomfortably over the sphincter. As you continue to insert it you can keep feeling it growing wider and wider, seemingly unendingly, but the steady taper makes it a gentle process until finally it begins to narrow again. The surface of the dildo has a rough feeling about it due to the texture of the realistic detailing, and it creates a lot of drag, so even with plenty of lube it doesn't glide in and out of the body that smoothly. You are somewhat limited in which positions you can use the dildo in, as the balls tend to get in the way when you're lying back and thrusting, as well as adding weight which will quickly tire your arm. Squatting over the dildo and riding it is a good option, though the angle of the shaft makes initial insertion a little difficult as any downward force tends to knock the dildo over, requiring you to hold it in place. The sensations of thrusting with the dildo really weren't that pleasurable I found. The strange shape and firm material mostly poked uncomfortably at my insides and made me want to stop. The best way I found to use the dildo was to insert it as far as it would go, then thrust by only ever pulling it half way out, and this was moderately satisfying, though not enough to convince me to keep doing it for long.

The dildo comes packaged with a vibrating bullet which can be inserted into a cavity in the base. Despite being 5" in length the bullet still only extends halfway down the length of shaft, meaning the vibrations are focused nowhere near the tip. The bullet has 3 vibration modes which is better than most offer, but they're still pretty buzzy and overall I don't think they add much to the toy. Probably the biggest problem with the bullet is trying to remove it, as the cavity is completely smooth and will form a vacuum once it's inserted. They supply some powder to be used with it, but this mostly makes a mess, and it still took me 10 minutes of frantic tugging to remove the thing again. Unless you're certain that you're going to want the bullet in there permanently then I wouldn't risk inserting it at all.

Included with the dildo is also a special black drawstring bag for storage. It's exceptionally large so there's no struggle fitting it inside, but unfortunately the material does leave black fibres all over the surface of your freshly washed silicone.

I've tried using this one a few more times subsequently and my views haven't changed at all. It's just not a comfortable toy to use and isn't even remotely enjoyable for me.