Black rose secret garden vibrating panties - strap-on vibrator by Doc Johnson - review by Velocifero

Looking to take your sexytime from the boudoir to the boulevard? Tired of getting your jollies in the boring comfort of your private residence? Look, I know you're dying to go out and get a little somethin'-somethin' under the table at your favorite restaurant or movie theater, but these aren't the panties you're looking for, unless you want to be digging in your crotch whenever you need to kick up the speed a notch.

See, I was like you, once. I wanted some vibrating panties to take with me to have a little sexy fun without getting myself arrested and/or put on a sex offender registry for public indecency. I ordered these devilish little skivvies and waited gleefully for them to arrive, dreaming of all the places we could travel together and all the fun times we'd have! When they arrived, it was to my great disappointment that the vibrating portion was but a simple bullet - no wires, no remote, nada. There was no possible way to turn the bullet on or change speed without reaching down my pants and blindly fumbling around for the button, which kind of defeats the purpose.

Since then, this has been relegated to bedroom use only. As much as I'd love to literally look like I'm masturbating in public while I'm discreetly trying to use this, I think I'll pass.

Let this not dissuade you from the actual functionality, however! When the bullet is on, it's *on*. It can be nestled against your clit or labia and does a fair job of not moving around. The bullet can be removed and used independently of the panties, or you can switch out another, similar-sized bullet of your choosing. It's got three decent and distinct speeds at the click of a finger.

The panties themselves are satiny and smooth - not at all unpleasant to touch! They have a generous amount of give, and the side ties are slick purple ribbons that are good for further adjustment to your particular body size/shape. They are fully lined and the bullet pouch is also made of a similar satin-like, elastic material. It is a thong, but the T that takes up residency between your nether cheeks is fairly comfortable and offers more than a little floss, which is a definite plus.

The bullet itself is a plain black bullet with no texture. The plastic has a slight grabby texture to it, but is otherwise unremarkable.

On a basic level, "one size fits all/most" is true. I am a size 10/11 in jeans and had absolutely no trouble with these fitting around (what I shall affectionately refer to as) 'dat ass'. The ties make it easy to fit a wide range of sizes, but the material rationing from ass to crotch appears to be scarce, especially if you're a lady with a little more to love. The front material isn't about to play coy with you, either; if you're unshaven, I hope for your sake that you're not wearing anything with a zipper in the front, as you will have a perpetual border of pubic hair hanging out over the dangerously low top hem. I felt like I constantly had to pull up the front part just to cover more than just the lips of my vagina, resulting in a never-ending supply of silken cameltoes. Maybe you're into that?

As far as wearing this under clothing goes, you may run into a little trouble with the ribbon ties. You might find that this works best under skirts and dresses. There is also a hideously large black "rose" on the front that really just looks ridiculous and gets in the way of everything. I will be cutting it off of mine pronto.

Iffy design aside, the bullet itself is quite discreet and comfortable to wear around sitting, laying, standing, and moving.

The bullet is better than expected. There are three distinct vibration speeds and they stay pretty focused in the tip. As previously mentioned, this does not have a remote control whatsoever; there is simply a single, soft black button at the opposite end of the bullet that clicks through three speeds and then turns off. I have no complaints with the actual functionality of the bullet. The vibration speeds are surprisingly strong for something that runs on watch batteries.

The noise factor when the toy is on low/medium is fairly low. When worn under jeans and in a room with some consistent white noise (fan, TV, chatter, etc.), I can't imagine it having a very noticeable buzz. However, because there is no external remote, should you suddenly find yourself in the middle of a nice family dinner and Little Brother/Dad/Grandma is complaining about a never-ending cell phone buzz, you could be in for some awkward/hilarious times as you attempt to poke at your crotch to change the settings.

The panties can be laundered with the rest of your delicates in a standard washer/dryer. I would recommend using a lingerie bag or gentle setting to avoid shredding or otherwise tangling the ribbon ties. Do make sure to remove the bullet from the inner pouch before running it through the laundry, unless you'd like a delightfully useless piece of plastic henceforth.

The bullet can be cleaned with soap and water or your favorite toy cleaner. There isn't much real estate to scrub, so there is no laborious cleaning method you need to employ to keep it sanitary. It will fit damn near anywhere and won't pick up undue amounts of lint or fluff, so you're set to toss it basically anywhere your dear heart fancies.

The panties and bullet came plastic-wrapped in a thin cardboard box. I have to give credit where it's due - this was probably the least tacky product design I've received thus far under the $50 level. It has the obligatory nude model with black tape X's over her nipples, but it is otherwise free of comical and grotesque O-faces and other porn tropes, and is generally easy on the eyes in a dark and mysterious shade of purple.

I almost wrote these panties off completely the first time I used them. For starters, they are hell and a half to put on; ribbon tie sides seem cute and sexy at first, but you may quickly reconsider. Envision yourself trying to tie a ribbon on one side while the other side hangs free and shifts around so you can't properly size it to your body.

If I can give you a little wisdom to spare you from the inevitable frustration, it would be to channel your inner MacGuyver and shimmy the T-back of the thong between your cheeks first to kind of hold everything in place while you finagle the side ties. Consider your ass like a helping hand and graciously accept her offer.

Because I've basically banished these from public use because of the glaring lack of a remote, it took some creative work on behalf of my partner to save them from the trashcan. They can and do have a proper use inside the bedroom - for me, it was in the form of being tied up and left helplessly with the vibrating panties on. It keeps the bullet secure while your hands are busy elsewhere - and really, multitasking in the bedroom is an art form.