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...Shook like a bowl full of jelly!

Buy as a gag gift, too much of a waste of time otherwise. I think an old fashioned Water Weenie would work better. Spend your money on a good hand lube first.
Published:
Pros:
Soft, Beads are nice.
Cons:
Not tight enough, Pain in the ass to clean!
Rating by reviewer:
2
extremely useful review
It's like my grandpappy always said... "Son, there's only two liars in this world, those that say they never have and those that say they never will!"

Obviously he was referring to Flogging the Dolphin, Butterin' the Beefsteak, Gaggin' the Goose, Polishing the Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love, and my personal favorite...Punchin' the Munchkin! Okay, so my grandpappy never told me that, what kind of sick perverted family do you think I have! But I digress...

The Basic Essentials Beaded Masturbator is for a one man show. Unless your significant other would like to use it on you, which would be weird... Anyway, it claims to be Soft...check, Stretchy...check, & Super Tight...ummmm, not so much. The 4 rows of silver (plastic) beads do add extra stimulation but it wasn't enough for me. Be careful with these beads however, they pop out if you get too vigorous! It says to use a water based lube but I used a silicone lube and it was fine (Gun Oil brand). If you don't already know, using silicone lubes on some toys have an adverse reaction and the lube alters the chemical bonding of the toy and that's no bueno senor!

As with most masturbators, there are fake labia on the outside of it to make your johnson think he's pounding away at the real thing. The only problem is that with this toy: A) It stretches so much they go away and B) They're BLUE! What is this, Smurfette?!?! Actually, I'll be back....ahhhhh....Smurfette...I may actually like this thing now! Note to self....market blue pocket pussy as Smurfette's Night Out...this idea at least deserves two stars.

The Beaded Masturbator comes in a standard cardboard box and the toy is in a plastic bag for sanitary purposes. I highly recommend keeping this bag to store it in because it attracts lint like an electromagnetic air purifier! It's made from TPR so make sure you clean it thoroughly before you store it. I filled up the sink with water and copious quantities of antibacterial soap to clean it (don't forget the inside!). Come to think of it, cleaning the inside of the Beaded Masturbator turned me on more than using it. I LOVE fingering my wife and this was the closest thing to it! It was a real pain to clean it though and it took forever before I thought it was clean enough. I kept cleaning until it was tacky inside and out, kinda like the dish soap commercial where they squeak the Tupperware.

One quick note about sharing this toy... Dude, get your own, sicko!! But if you must, cover it with plastic, use condoms, double wrap it, you're touching me...don't stare into my eyes like that!! Seriously though, I wouldn't suggest sharing this, there's way too many dangers in cleanliness to waste your time trying.

On the side of the box it reads, "This product is intended for use as a novelty product only." I couldn't have said it better! If you want to try something unique, go ahead and get this toy. As for me, I'm sticking with good old Rosie and her five sisters.
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer. This review is in compliance with the FTC guidelines.
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My Beaded masturbator tags
  • Who / How / What
    [ ? ]
    Who might this product be best for? How is it best used? What are the best circumstances or situations for using this product?
    • Bachelor/ bachelorette party
    • Gag gift
    • Masturbation
  • Body / part areas
    [ ? ]
    What areas on the body can this product be used / what areas does it stimulate best?
    • Mutual stimulation
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Comments
  • Miss Cinnamon
    Miss Cinnamon  
    I chuckled more than once while reading this review. Sorry it didn't work better, but I'm glad you could find it in your heart to make it entertaining for the rest of us
  • ~LaUr3n~
    ~LaUr3n~  
    hehe good review. Love the title!
  • Sammi
    Sammi  
    Great review!
  • Captain Stubing
    Captain Stubing  
    Thank you for the comments. I wish it would have worked better as well. Oh well, I won't quit trying.
  • buzzvibe
    buzzvibe  
    I needed a laugh this morning. Your review gave me several. Thank you!
  • Misfit Momma
    Misfit Momma  
    Well, made me laugh at least! And I don't think using a sleeve on him is weird, I actually liked it...wait, maybe that means I'm weird..Well I never did claim to be normal
  • B8trDude
    B8trDude  
    Hilarious review! Enjoy 'Chokin' that Chicken'
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