Playgirl: Climactic Tales review

“Almost all women get aroused by porn,” said a professor in a human sexuality class I once took. I was 21, but I believed it – I’d been wearing my thumbs out on Internet porn sites for two years. And even though my prof said women in labs got wet off watching other people fuck, most of my girlfriends said they hated it.

Enter studios like Playgirl, which claim to make “woman-friendly” porn. Women who love porn – like me – might wonder what’s the point of “porn for women,” since most of us like the stuff churned out for the boys. Women who hate porn probably ask the same thing.

Here’s what the five scenes in “Climactic Tales” have to offer us both – porn lovers and porn haters alike. First off, the guys are really really hot. I can’t overemphasize what a difference this makes. Every time I see some hairy-bellied beast like Ron Jeremy chugging away atop some lithe Jesse Jane lookalike, a little voice in my head says, “Yeah right, like that would ever happen.” During the scenes in “Tales”, that voice will be saying, “Yeah right, like that would ever happen – to me.” Playgirl is like a hotel that doesn’t charge extra for a room with a view.

Second, no one comes on anyone’s face.

Then there are more mixed benefits. The five scenes all focus on foreplay – his and hers oral sex – without that much attention to what happens after. The actual sex is perfunctory and short-lived, a situation that crops up in real life but probably shouldn’t in porn. The settings are classic in their awfulness – at one point, a woman with real breasts but a hopelessly fake French accent growls, “From the moment I saw Gerard, I ‘ad to ‘ave ‘eem.” I forgot to be turned on, I was laughing so hard.

There’s a bonus scene called Poolside Passion which pretty much describes itself, and a solo scene with a guy whom the makers say is “straight” although then again, they also say his name is Geo.

But let’s be honest – in spite of the cute boys and cunnilingus – this isn’t a chick flick. The jacket promises “hushed tones, dramatic crescendos, and sweet love and lust,” but if you’re actually interested in any of that, rent Casablanca. “Climatic Tales” is porn – set to music.