El Amante Perfecto - book discontinued by Atria - review by Rockin'

A sort of disclaimer: I read the English translation of El Amante Perfecto, which is called Sex and the Perfect Lover. A lot of what I didn’t like about this book is due to phrasing and language. While that may be due to something being lost in the translation, I’m not giving El Amante Perfecto a free ride on that basis.

This book is divided into three parts: “Preparing for Love”, “The Actualization of Love”, and “The Expansion of Love”. Almost every chapter in this book is very short (2-6 pages), which makes it very easy to read just a little at a time. And that may be all you can stomach in one sitting.

“Preparing for Love” consists of fourteen chapters, all with interesting titles but without much real information. The first part is an introduction to exploring both your desires and your partner’s. The author describes visualization techniques, some history about how male ejaculation is to be controlled, and general breathing and meditation techniques. Especially in this first part, the language sometimes drifts away from the practical into more abstract ideas; which, while interesting to read, are likely not practically relevant to the reader: “The universe is consciousness and energy combined. In practice, this leads to a respect for all life, both animal and vegetable. When anyone harms any form of life, they are damaging their own life – ecology becomes cosmic”. Okay, thanks for the Tantra background. Can we get back to becoming a better lover?

“The Actualization of Love” contains the 30-page chapter on sexual positions, and is otherwise almost forgettable. I did like the neat breathing technique to make people more aware of their genitals and anus. As for the positions, I didn’t see anything new or astonishing, but I’ve seen a lot of sex positions laid out in other media. If you’re new to sex positions, you’ll probably find a few you haven’t tried. Sadly, some of the positions look like very simple variations of others. For instance, The Dragonfly has both people facing to the left, with the woman lying on her side and the man lying behind her, with his thigh through her legs and his hand on her upper thigh. The Sleepy Woman, while the people face the right, looks pretty darn similar except this time HER hand is on her own thigh. I can’t knock the majority of the positions because they seem adjustable to different couples’ needs and flexibility, and should work for a variety of shapes and sizes.

“The Expansion of Love” targets much more sensual endeavors than the previous parts. In the final 15 chapters, the author lists many “pleasure foods”, fragrances, massage techniques, and general communication tips that may or may not be known to the reader; depending on their level of relationship experience. A lot of the communication tips are good, but I didn’t have any “Ah-ha!” moments while reading these chapters. The author’s suggestions may be received better by those who are just beginning to learn about their lover, or who have lost touch with their lover and wish to reestablish a special connection.

This book does emphasize effective communication between partners, as well as the importance of knowing oneself and recognizing one’s own needs and desires. These are strong foundations of good relationships, and the author’s continuous mention of them earned the book one star. The other star is for the variety of suggestions and techniques that couples can use to enhance their daily lives.

So far I don’t think I’ve made El Amante Perfecto sound as bad as my two-star rating implies. Sadly while this book has many good tips and suggestions for couples, it also is stuffed full of fluffy, abstract language, vague descriptions, and other seemingly empty suggestions that left me wondering why they were even mentioned. Here’s a typical example of my reaction to such a suggestion: “Wow, an orgasmic chain reaction? Awesome! So, how do I do it? Wait, now she’s writing about refractory periods. I don’t even get a hint?”

Speaking of refractory periods, that’s a perfect example of another problem I have with this book. The author says that the refractory period for women “can last between one and ten minutes”, and for men it “lasts longer, between fourteen to twenty minutes”. These very specific statements are then practically invalidated by the author herself who then states that the times depend on motivation, age, practice, and stimulation.

There are many, many other assumptions and sweeping generalizations made that are difficult to take seriously. Some are obviously not universally applicable. Examples: every woman has a g-spot; the nipples are the most sensitive areas in women; vaginal lubrication is the first sign that a woman is getting excited; the "lack of varied pleasures" is "the main reason for marital separation, and the chief cause of infidelity”.

The most important reason why I can’t recommend El Amante Perfecto is because it enforces what are thought of as traditional gender roles. So much of this book involves suggestions for men and women that I soon detected a subtext of significantly more active, extroverted tips for men and more passive, introverted tips for women. Men were often instructed to seduce the woman and perform different acts to please her, while the women were often instructed to think about the man’s approach and analyze the encounter. This style really rubbed me the wrong way; and I won’t promote it.

Overall, I learned a few things here and there about how to gain some inner peace and more deeply appreciate my partner. But I could easily summarize those tips in a few different pamphlets. And that should really make you wonder whether this 180-page book is worth your time.