When Someone You Love is Kinky - book discontinued by Greenery Press - review by redhead1977

I requested to be allowed to read and review this book. Toys are fun and when you get them in the mail, it's like kinky Christmas, but this book seemed like it could actually help people as they struggle through a really difficult time in their lives and, being kinky and married to a non-kinky person, I thought it might pertain to my situation.

I really wanted to like this book and in many ways I did find it helpful. It gives a very detailed and thorough glossary of terms, reference books, and references for underage people in the kinky lifestyle. Right off the bat, though, I had a difficult time getting past their simple language and tone. It's one thing to make a book easy reading, but when it's simplified too much I find it slightly condescending. The pace of the book moves so slowly with a lot of repetitive congratulations and hand-holding for their bravery for reading the book and attempting to understand and accept this. Although I found the tone slightly insulting, if I reflect on the situation through the eyes of a non-kinky person with no past experience with it, I can understand how they might be confused and scared and having some reassurances might help them.

The authors' goal is admirable. They want to help non-kinky people through a stressful and confusing time as they try to cope with the knowledge that someone they love has come out to them as being kinky. I had to do this to my husband and he's a trooper, thank God, but I've seen how he's gone through stages of alternately accepting it and being confused and questioning it.

The authors break the book up into chapters dealing with different forms of kinky activity and different potential kink/non-kink relationships that may be dealing with a situation where acceptance and understanding are goals being worked toward.

One of the tools they authors have included in helping the reader have a voyeuristic view into these situations is to have letters written by kinky people to non-kinky loved ones explaining their situation and "coming out" so to speak. The letters are scattered throughout the book and are alternately funny, heart-wrenching, and enlightening. I did find them somewhat distracting, however, when I'd be in the middle of a paragraph and have to either skip a letter and come back to it after I've finished the paragraph on the next page, or break my paragraph up and hope I remember what the topic of discussion was after I've finished the inserted letter.

The authors also employed a use of alternating pronouns describing the kinky person in their examples. They did this to help all readers feel engaged whether their specific kinky person is male or female. I understand the reasoning behind this, but it really was distracting and often times confusing when mid-paragraph the pronoun would be switched from "he" to "she" or from "his" to "hers."

One thing I was really hoping would be made clear is that not all D/s relationships are sexual. I wanted him to see that this drive and need to give and receive pain and power isn't necessarily sexual. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. This is hardly touched on in the book at all, however. Nearly every example is sexually driven and given as an explanation for why they do things...sexual gratification. I found this a bit disheartening.

One thing that I did find particularly reassuring and I was very pleased with was the chapter on safety. As I read it, I was comforted knowing my husband would also be reading the chapter and I hoped he would draw comfort in the knowledge that I am taking appropriate and responsible measures to maintain my safety. The authors listed multiple ways you can help keep yourself safe as you go out into these situations. They listed checking references of individuals and making "safe calls" as some of their tips.

I guess I was expecting more from the book, but I can see how it could be a small life raft in the scary sea of kink for our loved ones to cling to as they get their bearings. I would say if it's used as a reference book, it would be for very beginners and people who've had absolutely no clue kink existed before they were confronted with the knowledge that one of their loved ones is a perv. It might offer some comfort seeing that others in the world are or have dealt with this situation and that they aren't alone trying to sort through it all. But for anything beyond that, I think there are probably better resources out there.

I flipped through the book again and decided it wouldn't really help anybody I know, so I donated it. Maybe someone will find it in a resale shop and get some benefit from it. I hope so.