Honeymoon carry-on bag review

I would have been fired from my own honeymoon because the Pipedream Honeymoon Carry On Bag was exactly that:  a badly made, flimsy, dangerous bag of pipe dreams.  My week-end partner said:  “Forget the pipe dreams, this is a flaming nightmare.”

As we unzipped the carry on bag, the key chain broke and fell off.  The key didn’t fit the cracked lock anyway.  Preview of things to come.

Instructions/labels on the items consisted of Made In China, so a newbie might not know the difference between benwah balls and anal beads, especially since they were cheaply made and not very distinguishable.

In descending order of satisfaction (look, useability, and quality), here is my review of each product:

The foreplay cards were fun, with clothing removal instructions on one side, and sexual moves on the other.  Mega points for being gender neutral and using “partner” the whole way through.
 
The massage oil had safe, known ingredients (almond oil, vitamin E and A…) and smelled of lavender. 
 
The blindfold was cute, light, and comfortable.  A little bit of light came through, but no shapes could be determined.  Of course I liked the pink leopard print.
 
The glow in the dark pleasure sleeve is neither.  There is no glow, in any sense.  And it is thin and sticky and very small. 
 
The candles were a thoughtful touch.  Searching for something that could serve as a candle holder would be less expensive than burning the place down, but not very romantic on a honeymoon.  I was unsure about the wax itself, so I didn’t try the candles for wax play--probably too short anyway.
 
The small vibrator neither included nor specified what battery is required.  24 hour store required for the honeymooners!  Three out of the four clear, hard, plastic attachments looked and felt like cheese graters.  Really.  “Always on the cutting edge” is the motto.  Now I see why.
 
The Edible Body Paint is too thin to paint and too yucky to lick off. 
 
The handcuffs immediately got stuck.  The key and lock were useless, and I was very grateful neither of us had them on at the time.  My partner forcefully unstuck the handcuffs after about 15 minutes (and she works in law enforcement).  They are sharp, badly constructed, and dangerous.  “Always on the cutting edge...”
 
We didn’t try the Benwah Balls (I think that’s what they were) as the string didn’t seem strong or well attached to the balls.  This is some potentially dangerous stuff here.
 
The anal bead string is flat-out dangerous:  It is very short with three same-sized beads and no ring or stopper at the end…can you spell emergency room removal??
 
As we finished up, we thought we could at least use the white carry on bag to carry our toys.  Then the zipper broke.  On my way to the trash can, I used the liquid toy cleaner to wash my hands.  It had leaked.