Astroglide

Lubricant by BioFilm

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Astroglide Ruined My Life

You know how in shitty mainstream porn, right before insertion, the stud'll hawk a loogie straight onto the starlet's pussy to grease 'er up? That's what Astroglide feels like. It is spit-thin, runny, sticky, and cheap. It bears little to no resemblance to natural fluids, and totally ruins the moment. Astroglide inspires a very visceral grossed-out reaction, and I've heard it compared to snot, slug slime, but most often to spit. I thoroughly detest this product.
Published:
Pros:
Cheap and widely available, Astroglide is the go-to lube for many Americans. That's not saying much.
Cons:
Astroglide is the Bud Lite of the lube world. Tres gauche.
Rating by reviewer:
1
useful review

Use

Astroglide is a cheap pharmacy lube, like KY Jelly, Wet, or ID Glide. It is cheap and widely available, with a devoted following.

They must be mad.

Due to Astroglide's thin viscosity and slimy texture, it is best used in conjunction with a large amount of natural fluid; that is, Astroglide is not recommended for anal play, or with lubricant-absorbing materials like latex condoms.

So... If you are a gushy gal who is only looking for a wee leg up in the fluid department, that is the only context in which I would recommend this product to anyone. Anyone I liked, anyway. I'd definitely recommended it to get back at somebody, though.

Texture / Consistency / Thickness / Viscosity

Astroglide is thin, with a slick and somewhat slimy texture. But perhaps the sliminess is imagined on my part. Astroglide's consistency is much like a thick wad of spit, which is why it has such a high "gross" factor for me. It is a little tacky and re-hydrates extremely poorly, due to its low viscosity. That is, a few drops of water only spreads the lubricant thinner, and encourages it to dribble away from where you need it; rather than reinvigorating the original application.

Taste / Aroma

Astroglide has a barely detectable taste. The sensation of it on my tongue was unbearable, however. The combination with actual saliva was so slimy I immediately imagined my tongue was a large slug. I panicked and quickly downed the glass of water at bedside, that my partner and I were using to (unsuccessfully) re-hydrate the lube. I feel a lubricant should never inspire such a strong emotional reaction, or somebody has not done their job right.

I have such a poor sense of smell, I cannot detect when milk has gone sour. Unsurprisingly, Astroglide registered no scent with me.

Performance

Astroglide was worthless, because my partner and I were using a latex condom. We applied the lubricant to the head of his penis, he donned the condom, and I lubricated my opening. This required an ample amount of the lubricant, so thin is Astroglide's consistency. This is when things began to go downhill.

I was already naturally wet, and found that the pleasant texture of my own fluids was simply ruined by the addition of Astroglide. I felt plain gross and immediately turned off, but decided to give it a shot anyway. However, less than five thrusts into "the act," we met one another's pained eyes and realized that Astroglide wasn't working for either of us. It just felt gross. Like snot, or spit. We were both unaroused after application. Thank god it washed off so easily, just a quick wipe of a wet washcloth and the dirty sensation of having sinned was gone.

However, I can imagine how an individual with a natural abundance of fluid could use Astroglide, to ensure continued lubrication for intercourse with a latex condom. That's as far as my charity extends, however.

Packaging

Astroglide has an attractive bottle that is hard to squeeze, but the product comes out easily enough (spit-thin, remember?). It is water-based and contains glycerine, which promotes yeast infections. According to Wikipedia, a green-packaged version exists which is glycerin and parabens free, but I have yet to see this product in stores.

Astroglide also comes in a "warming sensations" variety, which sports a tacky orange cap.

Experience

I hated Astroglide so much the first time I tried it. My partner and I immediately switched lube mid-coitus (not that we'd even really gotten a chance to start, so quickly were we repulsed) and I've never looked back.

But that was years ago, very early in my sexual "career" if you will, yet I've still maintained a firm hatred of the product ever since. I had such a visceral reaction of disgust to the product, that I'm repelled to this day, and cast harsh judgment upon those who use it. Yet some folks swear by it.

I maintain that this is an essential character flaw. No one in their right mind, with any taste or experience with better lube, could ever come to such a twisted conclusion. A lover recently pulled out a bottle of Astroglide, the first I'd laid eyes on in years. I sneered and laughed derisively in his face.

So perhaps the greatest character flaw is my own. Astroglide has transformed me into a scornful, embittered shell of a woman, a shadow of my former self. I will never be the same again.

CURSE YOU, ASTROGLIIIIIIIDE!
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Comments
  • Epiphora
    Epiphora  
    This is the best review I've read in a long time.
  • Lolita Slut
    Lolita Slut  
    Thank you! You have no idea how much I appreciate that!
  • Airen Wolf
    Airen Wolf  
    Wow just WOW...so much feeling for a product! Can't say I disagree, mind you, but turn to the Slippery Kitty, the Maximus and all those other product which will rain much needed moisture on your parched....soul! They can heal all your hurts and make you smile again!

    Thanks for the review and the laughs!
  • Adriana Ravenlust
    Adriana Ravenlust  
    Ha, I love your summary.. but I never considered ID Glide to fall into the same category as this or KY.
  • Miss Jane
    Miss Jane  
    Okay, love the review title. Lol.
  • cassettesex
    cassettesex  
    ahahaha! it's so telling that you compared astroglide to bud light. i definitely agree with you there. does this mean that generic lube would be beer thirty? or what about mickey's?

    i'd have to say that pjur woman is the dogfish head ninety-minute IPA of lubes, but that's just me.
  • pogoyoubounce
    pogoyoubounce  
    Awesome review, I completely agree. I don't know why anyone would use this when for just a few dollars more you could get a much, much better lube.
  • Stinkytofu10
    Stinkytofu10  
    tyvm for the review
  • Howley
    Howley  
    thanks for the review!
  • BlooJay
    BlooJay  
    Thx for the review!
  • dsumrow1
    dsumrow1  
    ty
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