Happy penis - lubricant by Classic Erotica - review by sXeVegan90

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Diabetic Coma In A Bottle.

I can't say I'd recommend this product to anyone. It was far too sweet for my tastes, but if you enjoy something as sweet as the sweet-n-low packs on restaurant tables, then you're sure to love this massage cream. I personally wasn't impressed by the flavor, but as a hand job assistant this cream works well.
Published:
Pros:
Smell
Easy cleanup
No aftertaste
Cons:
Too sweet
Chemical flavor
Rating by reviewer:
1
extremely useful review

Use

This product is used for enhancing oral pleasure and providing the user with a numbing/tingling sensation for easing the job of deep throat, and making oral more fun in the process. Users who don't enjoy doing oral without anything applied may find this product both ideal and appealing. The tingling effect does work for some, (at least it did for me) but, this may not be the case with everyone. Remember to use this product in the bedroom for oral fun or as a foreplay item around other erogenous zones such as the nipples. This makes it great as a mood enhancer as well as a massage cream.

This cream is great for masturbation or massages, as it doesn't leave a sticky residue on the skin when rubbed in. It's a lot like lotion, and is easy to wipe away without the feeling of a greasy film being left behind. Everyone can use this lotion but remember not to use this for internal lubricant, as there are better ones on the market for that purpose, and this one may cause infections. Those with allergies should read the ingredients listing before purchasing any kind of lubricant. The ingredients for these two flavors of Happy Penis are as follows:

Water, Glycerin, Cetyl Alcohol, Stearyl Alcohol, Xanthan Gum, Mineral Oil, Steareth-21, Carbomer, Flavor, Triethanolamine, Methylparaben, Propylparaben, Sorbic Acid, Disodium EDTA, Sodium Saccharin, cherry flavor also contains: Red 40 (CL 16035), Red 33 (CL 17200) mint flavor also contains: Blue 1 (CL42090), Yellow 5 (CL19140), pina colada flavor also contains: Yellow 5 (CL19140), Orange 4 (CL15510)

Remember to always read your ingredient listings.
  • Who / How / What
    [ ? ]
    Who might this product be best for? How is it best used? What are the best circumstances or situations for using this product?
    • Massage
    • Masturbation
    • Mood enhancer
  • Where
    [ ? ]
    Where / what types of places can this product be used?
    • Bed only
  • Body / part areas
    [ ? ]
    What areas on the body can this product be used / what areas does it stimulate best?
    • Oral

Texture / Consistency / Thickness / Viscosity

The texture of Happy Penis by Classic Erotica is comparable to lotion. In fact, it feels like lotion on the skin when it's applied, and rubs in like a lotion. It also absorbs into the skin quite like lotion. When it has been fully absorbed into the skin, it does not leave a sticky or greasy residue behind, and actually makes the skin quite soft, like lotion. The only difference between this and lotion is that this has different ingredients for edibility.

When you squirt some of this cream onto your skin, it stays in place, and doesn't drip or run anywhere due to it's creamy consistency. While this is great for those who don't like a big mess, it also means that more will have to be reapplied sooner or later, and the task is rather annoying. Because this is a water-based cream, it is water-soluble so saliva will cause it to dissolve quickly, making reapplying it necessary. This means that you won't be taking this cream into the shower with you. This is a thick cream, so remember that you'll have to squeeze the bottle a bit to get some of it onto your desired area.

When closing the pop-top cap on the bottle, there will be a little left on the top, and you can wipe it off easily. This cream is easy to clean, and wipes off easily with a towel, napkin or washcloth, or rinsing with soap and water. The overall thickness, texture and consistency of this cream make it perfect for masturbation, but not all users will appeal to the thickness or the way it feels in the mouth. Some may even find this lubricant/cream chalky. I had no problems with it feeling chalky, but I didn't care for the flavors at all.
    • Creamy
    • Smooth
    • Thick

Taste / Aroma

The mint tastes like an overly sweet toothpaste. There is no other way around it. If you've ever had the Wrigley's Double Mint gum, this is exactly that flavor. This flavor packs a punch to the taste buds if you aren't expecting such a sweetness on your tongue, and boy, does it feel cold. You can certainly detect this cream has peppermint oil from the moment the light aroma hits your nose to the potent taste.

The pina colada flavor tastes rather chemical in my opinion. It smells nice, with the hint of pineapple and coconut aroma, but it most certainly does not taste it. Once again you get the overly sweet flavoring like tea with too much sweet-n-low. While the scent is a little heavier on this one than with the mint, it is not too overpowering that it's detestable. This flavor is much stronger than the mint though, so remember that a little of this stuff will go a long way in terms of flavor.

Both of these creams have a light smell but a strong taste. There is no aftertaste to speak of, so that's a positive for these. Neither of these can be detected by scent unless you're up close and personal during use. After this has been removed from the skin, it does not leave behind a scent either, so those of you worried about smelling like this cream after play need not worry. Users with sensitivities may not enjoy this cream, because if too much is applied, the smell does get stronger.
    • Light smell
    • Smells good
    • Strong taste

Performance

I prefer this cream for masturbation only. I do not plan on using this for oral, as the flavor quite literally sickens me. I felt like I was going to not only get diabetes, but also go into a diabetic coma when I tasted this stuff. It is simply too sweet for me for use as an oral enhancer, but those with a sweet tooth may enjoy it. On the whole, it does numb and tingle how it is supposed to, making oral a little easier if you aren't gagging on the chemical taste of the pina colada, or wishing that the mint weren't so minty.

As a masturbation cream, it works wonders. This stuff stays slick for a good amount of time, (about 10-15 min) before re-applying is necessary. I don't know that this will be the case for everyone, as every body is different. It's silky, thick and creamy, making it perfect for giving your man a nice hand job. It absorbs into the skin nicely, leaves skin soft without being sticky, and leaves a light scent if it is not being used for oral, but remember if you plan on having vaginal or anal sex to wipe yourself down, as the sugary taste is left behind, and could be a problem.

Because it's water-based it washes off easily with a bit of soap and water. Overall, this is a great massage cream, but it is not up to par for oral enhancement, as I couldn't get past the flavor without being sick. The texture and everything else was perfect, but the sweetness was just way too much to bear in both flavors I picked up. I'm slightly disappointed, but overall okay since it works as a masturbation lube. As I said earlier in this review, remember to read ingredients lists and make sure that this cream is good for you, and if you break out, discontinue use.

Because this is water based, it can be used for oral play with toys too, and won't harm your wonderful silicone toys. If using this for oral on either a toy or your man/woman, than it will need to be reapplied often, as one lick an the flavor is gone from the skin/toy.
    • Absorbs into skin nicely
    • Allergy concerns
    • Needs to be washed off with soap and water

Packaging

This massage cream does come in a cute bottle. The plastic is clear, and you can see the color of the cream through it. It's a thick plastic, so if you drop it, it shouldn't crack. The bottle features a pop-top lid, which you pull up on to open it, and push it back down to seal it, so your cream doesn't spill everywhere, no pun intended. This bottle has a cute image of three smiling penises on it, and has the name Happy Penis in red, with the cameo of smiling penises inside.

On the back of the bottle you get a set of the ingredients and that the cream is made in the USA and is not tested on animals. It also has Classic Erotica's website and a few other details listed. Here's an interesting tidbit. I'm a big fan of recycling my trash, so I always check the numbers on the bottles. When I turned these bottles upside down I was met with two different numbers.

The bottles are the same though, right? Wrong. One has the number three, while the other has the number eight. Now let's go over what this means.

Code 3 is for: PVC, or Polyvinyl Chloride. It's used for - Window frames, bottles for chemicals, flooring, plumbing pipes. This was on the bottle for the Pina Colada flavor.

Code 8 isn't specified, but I'm sure it's closer to the range used for - bottles, plastic lumber applications, headlight lenses, and safety shields/glasses. This was the bottle for the mint flavor.

I'm not sure what this entails, but I don't know if I should be putting this into my body if it's been in these containers. Overall, the bottle isn't discreet, due to the penises and the name. The bottle is easy to open, doesn't leak, and is minimal, but I'm worried more about what the bottle is made out of. This will fit in a purse if you want to take it with you, and if you want to gift it, put it in a discreet gift bag.
    • Does not leak
    • Easy to use / dispense
    • Not discreet

Special Features

This lubricant is meant to add a tingling sensation into the mix. This added feature does work, and with the mint it's a little more potent because of the peppermint oil. It's also meant to numb the back of the throat, but I honestly didn't experience any numbing sensations when using this product. The mint also adds a bit of a cooling sensation, and feels really nice on the skin and in the mouth, much like when you pop a peppermint in your mouth. This mint flavor is not overpowering like that of altoids, and isn't as harsh as a toothpaste, but provides a nice in between like a mouthwash would do, or a peppermint gum.

Overall, the features worked as they were supposed to aside from the numbing effect.
    • Cooling
    • Tingling
Follow-up commentary
After prolonged usage I found that the taste became more and more unbearable over time. Don't get me wrong, it's still good on occasion, but it's far too sweet for my palate. This may not be the case for everyone, as I know a lot of other people who love the flavor, but for me it got tiring.
This content is the opinion of the submitting contributor and is not endorsed by EdenFantasys.com
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Comments
  • Herzer
    Herzer  
    Great review. Sorry to hear it tasted so bad.
  • kittyloveswahwah
    kittyloveswahwah  
    Thanks for the review!
  • tiny princey
    tiny princey  
    thanks for the review!
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