This week I’m taking a slight break from poking fun at human sexuality, and instead I’m focusing on sexuality in the animal world. It’s way more fucked up than you could ever possibly imagine.
Remember a few years ago when all the animation companies started doing films about bugs who all had unique traits and who each had something to teach us about life? A Bug’s Life, The Ant Bully, Bee Movie…they all showcased a plethora of fascinating and adorable insects.
But they left out one.
This is the Micronecta scholtzi, a tiny underwater bug that was recently named the “World’s Loudest Animal.” It makes incredibly loud music with his organ. And by “organ” I mean “penis.”
I’m not exactly sure how Pixar missed this amazing bug, whose “singing penis” belts out music at 99.2 decibels (I don’t even know what part of that last sentence to italicize).
Technically, the bug doesn’t really “sing.” Instead it just makes music by rubbing its penis against its abdomen in a process known as “stridulation.” Also, I’m more than a little concerned that there are so many penis cellos in the animal world that they actually have a name for the process.
What’s quite fascinating to me is that the noise from one tiny penis is the equivalent of listening to a loud orchestra play while sitting in the front row, and if it wasn’t done underwater the noise could deafen us. So if these bugs finally adapt to having above-water singing penises we are all fucked. Plus, even underwater they’re still loud enough to be heard with the human ear. So whenever you’re having a romantic walk at night as you listen to the sounds of the cicadas and crickets, you’re probably also listening to the whimsical melodies of a bug rubbing his dick against his chest. I can’t believe Disney passed on this.
PS. There’s also a moth that uses its genitals to produce ultrasonic signals, and a lot of those cuddly koalas at the zoo probably have Chlamydia.
Mother Nature is way more kinky than you’d ever expect.