So, my boss here at SexIs sent me an email about decorating dildos and I was all, “Um…what?” and you could practically hear the exasperated sigh from her and she was all, “ Remember? You agreed to decorate a dildo for a post to remind people to stop by our suite at Blogher so that they can do some arts & crafts projects themselves?” and I was all, “ Wow. You’d think I would have remembered something like that,” and she was all, “Well, we talked a lot that day so you probably forgot but you said yes,” so I was all, “Okay, well send me some dildos then, I guess,” and she was all, “Look on your porch, dumbass,” and then I looked on my porch and there was a box of dildos there. I half-suspect that I never actually said yes to this and that she was just pretending that we’d had this conversation because she knows I’m not always sober enough to remember everything but I didn’t call her on it because I’m not always sober enough to remember everything and also because I’m not the kind of girl to turn down the chance to decorate a dildo.
Sadly, I’m also not the kind of girl who’s good at arts & crafts so I ended up just staring at these giant dildos and they just looked bigger and more intimidating every moment so finally I gathered them up and walked into my husband’s office to ask him his opinion because he’s artistic but I’d forgotten to explain to him what I was doing so instead I just walked in waving four giant dildos and he looked horrified and I was all “I need help” and he pointed angrily at the phone and that’s when I realized he was on a conference call so I just stood there and sighed impatiently, tapping his desk with the dildos and he mouthed, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE?” quite angrily and then I tried to mime that I needed his help doing dildo arts and crafts and he just stared at me in disbelief and then pushed me out of his office. Possibly because one of them was (I think) a horse penis and he might have felt inadequate. Then I explained that they weren’t for me and that I just needed to decorate one and he was all, “Then why the hell did you open all four of them?” and I was all, “They came in open plastic bags. I think they’re floor models. This one’s sticky.” And then Victor was all, “NEVER COME IN MY OFFICE AGAIN” and I was like, “THIS IS MY JOB, ASSHOLE. YOU ARE OVERREACTING” and he was all, “YOU JUST WALKED IN MY OFFICE SWINGING FOUR DILDOS AND TELLING ME THAT YOU NEEDED MY HELP,” and I was all “Oh. Okay, I could see how that might seem unsettling.” Then I agreed to lock myself in the bedroom while I came up with some sort of valid decorating scheme and I considered doing something with glitter and feathers but really all I could think was that the fake penises looked really naked and that they needed clothes. So I moved in that direction.
I had to dismember and scalp my kid’s Barbie for this but I did it happily because I’m a dedicated employee. And also because I don’t really like Barbie’s unattainable measurements. In fact, I prefer the dildo doll because the body proportions are more healthy and realistic. Victor says he doesn’t think the words “healthy and realistic” are applicable to this situation. I think maybe Victor doesn’t understand art.
My one regret is that the dildo I chose curves to the left for some reason and so when I put on the arms she looked kind of depressed and angsty, like a blonde Bella Swan. Then I thought maybe she just looked sad because she was lonely and so I made her a friend but she didn’t seem that into him, probably because of his big ’70s porn moustache.
Dildo dolls are notoriously superficial about that sort of thing. I asked Victor his opinion when I was done and he told me that he was calling a carpenter tomorrow to build me walls for my office so I think that means I win.
PS. Don’t forget to check out the Eden Fantasys/SexIs Suite at the Warwick from 6-8 pm this Saturday so you can make your own arts & crafts project. I’ll be popping in myself with pictures of Bella and Frank because that way they’ll be there in spirit and there is no way in hell that I’m taking those things through airport security.