Surprisingly, I totally know what I’m talking about.
So, last week I assigned all teenage virgins who were considering having sex to take this questionnaire to figure out whether you were really ready to go all the way. If taken correctly, all teenagers should have ascertained from the questionnaire that they need to wait until they are old enough to buy their own Chlamydia medicine before having sex. Unfortunately, you are a dumb teenager and didn’t listen to me at all and are now currently having, or are about to have sex. Not that I blame you. Hell, I did it too. And probably so did your parents and grandparents. Seriously, just think of it. Your sweet granny having illicit teenage sex because “everyone else was doing it”. That probably totally happened. And now you’re following in her footsteps. Except she didn’t do anal. Probably. I don’t think they did anal back then. But aside from that part, you are basically going to have sex so you can be just as hip and cool as your (possibly slutty) grandma. Is that what you want?
Hang on. Crap. I just got preachy and I swore I wasn’t going to do that. Please sit back down.
Alright, so you decided to have sex anyway. No judgments, tramp. The important thing is that we answer all the questions you probably have now, or will have when it starts itching.
1. What’s that itching? It’s probably nothing. Really, it’s most likely all in your head because I mentioned “itching”. It’s like when you see someone yawn and then you have to yawn. Unless you were itching before you read this. Then you probably have crabs.
2. No, seriously. It itches like crazy! I’m going to scratch my junk off! Did you shave your genitals? If so, that might account for the itching. Now you’ll have to keep shaving forever to stop the itching. Please note that if you shave your genitals for years and then stop, you will grow an enormous hairy bush and it will look like your thighs have a handlebar moustache. I don’t know that last part for a fact, but my mom told me that when I was 14 and it stuck with me.
3. Am I pregnant? Maybe. Lucky for you they sell pregnancy kits at the dollar store now. When I was a teenager, you had no choice but to use the $40 ones that you couldn’t afford because you were a teenager; so you’d have to shoplift it, except the box was too big to fit in your bag so you’d just open up the box and steal a pee-stick and then when you got it to the mall bathroom you’d realize you forgot to steal the instructions and the part that would have told you what it means if the test turns blue. That sucked. But now you can just shell out a dollar to find out if you’re pregnant.
4. But I did it standing up so there’s no way I’m pregnant, right? Can you even hear how crazy you sound? You are not allowed to have sex again until you are 30.
5. So…was that it? Yep. That was it.
6. Do I look different? No.
7. Did she fake it? Probably.
8. Will he show all his friends the pictures he took with his phone? Almost definitely.
9. Will I ever want to have sex again? Absolutely. When it’s right, you’ll know. And you’ll be at least 20. And it will be with someone who loves you and who isn’t hiding a video camera in the closet. And you’ll both have been tested for VD beforehand. And it will be fucking amazing. Promise.