August 27, 2009

The Bloggess: Is your man gay?

by The Bloggess

A Very Special Quiz

The "Is He Gay?" Quiz

1. Does your man occasionally wear pink? Add 0 points.

2. Does your man ONLY wear pink? Add 1 point.

3. Does your man get a manicure? Add 0 points.

4. Is the nail polish bright red? Add 2 points.

5. To get fully aroused does he ask you to dress up as a:
a. French maid – 0 points.
b. Sexy soccer player – 0 points
c. Lumberjack – 2 points.
d. Anything with a beard – 10 points

6. Does your man cry when he watches:
a. Field of Dreams – 0 points
b. Beaches: 1 point
c. Beaches (and he also sings all the songs really loudly while it’s on): 3 points.
d. His collection of gay porn films: 20 points.

7. Does your man constantly harass you to:
a. Do it doggie-style - 0 points
b. Try anal - 0 points
c. Change your name to “Big Steve” – 10 points

8. What would your man be most excited about:
a. A three-some with your friend Sheri – 0 points
b. A three-some with your friend Harold – 2 points
c. A three-some with the two guys that clean your pool while you’re out of town – 20 points

9. Are you a man?
a. Oh yeah. I’m a big, hairy, sexy man. – 100 points
b. No. But my boyfriend likes me to dress as a one. – 10 points
c. No, I’m all woman. Except for my penis. – 5 points.
d. I’m a chick. – 0 points

10. What’s the gayest thing your man has ever done?
a. One time he wore a sweater vest – 0 points
b. He paired the sweat-vest with ass-less chaps – 10 points
c. He cheated on me even though I’m super hot – 0 points
d. He cheated on me with my brother – 50 points

Okay, now add up your points:

Over 100 points: Not only is this man gay, but he's also totally out about it. I think you might be a bit of a stalker. Leave that man and his gay boyfriend alone.

50 – 100 points: He’s probably gay. Sorry. But better to find out now than after 20 years of marriage, right? Unless you’ve been married for 20 years in which case I’m really, really sorry.

20-50 points: Maybe he’s just bi. Bi boyfriends are totally fine. Get over yourself.

5-20 points: Here there be dragons. Or not. Hard to tell.

1-4 points: He’s not gay. He’s just comfortable with his feminine side.

0 points: He’s totally gay. Honestly, if he scored a zero he’s trying way too hard and eventually will explode with repressed sexual energy. If you love him, set him free. And introduce him to your brother.

Coming up next week, I answer the same question but from a male perspective: “Is my girl a bisexual, and if she isn’t how can I make her one?“