Whenever I feel stumped about what to write about, I go over to Cosmo and use one of their topics for inspiration. This month they did an article on “Ten Ways to Tell He’s Not Into You,” and it was all stuff like: “His feet face a different direction than yours.” Personally, I think that’s a bit vague, so I came up with my own list.

Ten Ways to Tell He’s Not Into You:

1. He isn’t actually aware that you’re dating him.

2. He’s never conscious when you have sex.

3. He never remembers your birthday because he’s too busy pretending to be in love with his wife of 20 years.

4. He only exists in your mind/teenage vampire books.

5. His pet name for you is “that crazy bitch.”

6. He confuses your “spontaneous romantic surprises” with “breaking and entering.”

7. He didn’t even try the rabbit soup you made him.

8. He’s creeped out by your collection of his hair and nail clippings.

9. He didn’t understand that when you said that you loved him so much that you wanted to wear a suit made out of his skin you meant it as a compliment and not a “threat.”

10. He spelled your name wrong on the restraining order.