In this month’s Cosmo there’s an article called “17 Things You Don’t Know About Your Vagina”. I haven’t read it because I don’t think I actually know 17 things about my vagina currently and I don’t know that I could double my vaginastic knowledge in one day and not have my head explode so instead I decided to just write down what I already know about vaginas.
11 things I know about your vagina:
1. You have another vagina inside your vagina. I don’t actually know if this is true or not but I saw these women on The Tyra Show that all had two vaginas and most of them didn’t even know it until they were in their 30’s so now I assume that everyone has a vagina inside their vagina. Kind of like Russian nesting dolls. But with vaginas.
2. Your vagina likes Chinese food. Probably. I mean who doesn’t?
3. Your vagina knew that guy was no good for you but didn’t say anything because your vagina thought you should find out for yourself.
4. Your vagina saw your best friend eat all the cake when you were asleep. Your vagina wasn’t asleep. Your vagina knows all.
5. Some people get mad when you use the term “vagina” for anything other than the birth canal and they won’t stop yelling at me for using irresponsible terminology. Those people need to realize that I’m never going to use the word “vagina” correctly. Also, they need to stop being such vaginas.
6. Men like it when you have one. Unless they’re gay men. Then they don’t want to hear about it. Ever. No, seriously, you’re grossing them out. Stop it.
7. Your mother had one. And her mother had one. And her mother had two. Possibly.
8. In ancient Greece, women would expose their vaginas to ward off storms at sea. Then at one point we stopped doing that. Probably because vaginas aren’t magical.
9. Vaginas and eyes are self-cleaning. Also? Ovens.
10. I meant that ovens are also self-cleaning. Not that ovens are also vaginas. Honestly, you’re going to burn yourself, sir.
11. A whale’s vagina is so large that we could both fit inside one if we crouched down. And if we both wanted to be inside a whale’s vagina. Personally though, I wouldn’t. You can have my spot. More room for you.
Aaaand I can’t think of any more. Hang on. Let me look at Cosmo to see what they’re saying about vaginas.
Okay, I read up to “Your vagina is teeming with bacteria” and then I had to just walk away. There are some things that should remain a mystery, people. And one of those things is what your vagina is teeming with. Awesome. I think I just became a gay man.