Here’s a small taste:
Nikol also just put a book out called Sex: A Book for Teens because she thinks she’s better than me. Also, one time she asked me if I’d be willing to talk to the WSJ about the Midwest Teen Sex Show and I said yes but then never followed up on it because I thought WSJ stood for like Warsaw State Journal or something but then later I found out it was The Wall Street Journal. I’m kind of an idiot. But even though Nikol is usually busy appearing on Nightline (for real) and doing lines of cocaine off the breasts of strippers (I assume) she still makes time to do interviews with me. Because she’s awesome. And has poor judgment when picking her friends. Let’s get to it, shall we?
Me: When you were little did you always dream that one day you’d write a sex book with cows humping on the cover?
Nikol: I was hoping it would be a book about cheeses or lawn dart champions with a picture of cows humping on the front. I tried to sneak that content over to the publisher, but they’re pretty sharp. Like cheddar. What I find interesting is that nobody who remembers me from any stage of my life seems the least bit surprised over the content of the book. Even kids I haven’t talked to since 6th grade say, “That makes sense.” Guess I was a pretty sexy 11-year-old. (It also could have to do with getting kicked out of that Catholic school for telling a dirty joke about nuns and hand lotion. True story.)
Me: The first time I saw the cow-humping logo I was all, “Why is the boy cow on bottom? And why does he have so many penises? That’s not right.” Then I realized that was an udder. Have you considered adding a note with an arrow that says “not penises” just to clarify for people? Here. I made you a corrected one for the second edition.
Nikol: What I’ve always wondered about that logo is, “Why are they two cows instead of a cow and a bull?” So, if you could also add an arrow that says “Lesbians” we’ll have all bases covered.
Me: On page 15 of the book you refer to a woman’s vagina as “bald man in a boat.” This alone was worth the price of the book for me. But then you refer to breasts as “tittybojangles” which would be very funny if I didn’t once have a beloved cat named “KittyBojangles.” You are sullying my thoughts of childhood. This is less of a question and more of an accusation. Please respond.
Nikol: All beings have the right to be recognized and celebrated for their sexuality. But perhaps you should have named your cat “Kitty BJ.” That might have preemptively solved this issue.
Me: Well now you’re just blaming the victim. Thank God KittyBojangles isn’t alive to see this travesty. Back to the interview. Why is there a “Midwest” but not a “Midsouth”?
Nikol: Listen, I’m not Socrates. That’s like asking me, “Where are your kids?” I mean, I can’t know everything.
Me: Fair enough. I think we need to do a porn film with you, me and Tina Fey. But with no nudity because I’m kind of self-conscious. It’ll be the first porn movie to not actually have any porn in it. And I don’t actually have a script. We’d just sit around and eat dumplings. Really, it’s less of a movie and more of a ploy for us to meet Tina Fey and eat dumplings. Are you in?
Nikol: Does it have to be dimsum? I don’t like putting stuff in my mouth if I have to ask Chinese people what it is. But I like this idea, so I don’t want to shitcan it over something small. So, if we can have Twisted Sister write the score, I’m in.
Me: Deal. Okay, I’m in my 30s and there was a bunch of shit in your book that was totally new to me so basically most teens who read this book know more about sex than me. This feels very unfair. Except that they had to read the part about cake-farting-fetishes and I don’t know that I would have wanted that in my head when I was a teenager so maybe we’re even. I haven’t quite decided. Please tell me something sexy that’s not in the book so that I can feel superior to random teenagers again.
Nikol: Shower sex is physically easier to accomplish if the woman is taller. Also, one time this one guy was kissing me and he said he could taste my period. Google verified that some guys believe they can smell and taste an impending period on a girl’s breath. They’re like old dudes who can tell when it’s about to rain, only with blood and vaginas.
Me: Hmm. Now I have a mental picture of it raining blood and vaginas. But while we’re on the subject, can I call it a vagina even though it’s technically a vulva? Because I don’t really like the word “vulva.” Or “moist.” Or “moist vulva.” Ugh. I think I’m gonna throw up now.
Nikol: You know, at one point in time some feminists and old hippies were on my case about this. The thing is, I don’t care. We don’t get a simple word like, “dick.” Vulva is a stupid word. So people need to stop being so concerned over words. Except the word “marsupial” which is a word I absolutely despise. One little slip of the tongue and it becomes marpusial, which is nastier than the moistest vulva ever.
Me: Do you think I’m pretty?
Nikol: Well, let’s put it this way. If we were out at a bar together and there were a bunch of guys around, I would completely have to make out with you just to show those guys that I am almost as hot as you are.
Me: And this is why I love you. Also, did you know that pigs have corkscrew-shaped penises? Also, raccoons have an actual bone in their penises. True story. This isn’t a question but I felt like it’s only polite to share some sex facts with you since you give them out so freely yourself.
Nikol: Also, Sharks are assholes and they totally gang bang girl sharks. Also, tenrecs have 29 nipples. Also, Dolphins masturbate.
Me: I don’t know what tenrecs are. Do you mean “ten recs”? So each rec has 2.9 nipples? There’s too much math in this interview. Plus, I don’t know what a rec is either. Let’s just go to the next question. Why aren’t testicles better protected?
Nikol: They lost a bet.
Me: What question would I have asked you if I was any good at being an interviewer?
Nikol: “How many copies of this book should a person purchase?”
Me: Awesome. (Insert that question here along with a smug look of satisfaction at how awesome this interview is going.) “How many copies of this book should a person purchase?”
Nikol: 17. (Smug look, followed with a wink.)