Porn for the Blind
Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time at a website called Porn for the Blind. It’s a non-profit site dedicated to describing porn to blind people. I shit you not. Volunteers watch the porn and then describe it in the most clinical way imaginable and it is impossible to become aroused by it *or* to stop listening to it. Seriously, I’m kind of addicted to Porn for the Blind now. Honestly, it’s embarrassing. My husband walks in and sees me typing an article but in the background he hears a monotone dude saying, “Okay, now she is performing oral gratification on a rather…uh…large Hispanic man. Her breasts are large…and seem to have been augmented. And now she is being humped.” Then Victor asks me why I’m not working and I explain that I am. I’m working on article about Porn for the Blind. Then I show him the plain, text-only Porn for the Blind site and he’s all “The hell? Why would they have men describing porn? Why wouldn’t they get hot-sounding chicks to do it?” and I have to explain that this is done by unpaid volunteers and that it’s not very charitable to criticize volunteers and he gives me this weird look either in response to the recording I’m listening to (“She is jumping on the bed. She nearly hits herself in the face with her breasts. Fade to black.”) or because he doesn’t understand the concept of community service. I think it’s more of the latter because when I asked him if he’d teach me how to record my own porn for the blind he just walked out of the room. Probably because he hates the disabled. Also he’s a Republican and I think this sounds too much like Obama’s call for community service for him to back it but I’m totally in because first of all it looks good on your resume if you’re into helping the disabled, and secondly, because I love my Country. Also, right now I have the flu and my voice sounds all Kathleen Turner-ish so my pain can bring someone else joy. I’m like the fucking Miracle Worker. Except I that use porn instead of American sign language. And instead of saving just one Helen Keller I’m helping hundreds of horny blind dudes. I’m kind of amazed by me right now. Victor says he is too but he said it in more of an appalled sort of way. Probably because he’s all intimidated by my humanitarianism. Or my philanthropy. Which one is the one where you don’t give them any of your money but you do donate your time to reading porn to the blind so you can put it on your resume? That one.