Okay, remember last month when I wrote about the inflatable latex fetish website? Of course you do. It’s seared into your memory. And I apologize for that.

Turns out though that several of my loyal readers are inflatable latex fetishists and insisted that I should “not knock it until I try it” and since I had a looming deadline and nothing to write about it I decided to take them up on it. KinkyKing (the company that I wrote the original post about) loved the article I wrote about them so I emailed them and asked if I could come over and try on the giant blueberry for a follow-up piece. Then I wondered exactly when my life had taken this odd turn. The folks at KinkyKing said they’d love to have me except that they’re located in Beijing and Victor said “Absolutely not” when I brought it up, probably because he still hadn’t forgiven me for making him stand in a Japanese Sex Dungeon. So instead I just decided to just make my own damn inflatable blueberry with a dry-cleaning bag and some duct-tape but Victor wouldn’t let me use the air compressor because “it’s not a toy” so I had to blow it up manually. I ended up hyperventilating and I gave myself a migraine and then I threw up, which is really difficult to do when you’re wearing a partially inflated dry-cleaning bag. All things considered? Not that sexy.

Then the KinkyKing people emailed me again and told me that I should check out their new robot blow-job machine and so I did and HOLY SHIT DO NOT CLICK ON THAT LINK AT WORK. Or possibly ever. Except you kind of have to because otherwise you miss out on advertising copy like this: “It can't complain! No fancy dinners, no carrying its purse, no PMS!” and “If you have a wife…you have to be married and the costs involved in that are enormous. So… amortized over time, the Autoblow is CHEAP!”

Sold.

Oh wait. No. Mildly offended.

But also fascinated because there is an entire section of videos of a guy using the blow-job machine and the white version looks disturbingly similar to the Billy Mayes’ Quick Chop. Like, so much so that I couldn’t even look at the video without cringing and I don’t even have a penis. Plus, now I can’t look at our Quick Chop without thinking of men sticking their penises in it. In short, I have a headache and I’ll never chop another vegetable again. Awesome. Everyone loses.