I sometimes think that people assume I’m exaggerating about this but I assure you, I’m not. In fact, today I’m going to share with you a small section of an email I got today from someone I’ve never met. In fairness I should mention that this is the second email I’ve gotten from her but the first one (Subject line: Crafting realistic genitalia for fun and profit) went to an email account I never check. She sent it again to my personal account because she was pretty sure I would never intentionally ignore an email from a stranger asking if anyone I knew might be able to make her a custom knitted penis and vagina to show people how sex toys work. And she was totally right.

An actual except from the email:

“The penis would be really easy I bet, but the vagina would be kinda tricky. I think I would want to have it, like, picture a doll that got the top cut off right below the belly button (or right above and give her a cute naval ring) and then at the top of the legs so you just have the important part of the torso and pelvis. Kind of like if you took a chain saw to a mannequin except less weird.

I would want it to have a tube going in for the vagina so I could insert the knitted penis. I would want it to have lips and a clitoris, maybe even one that peeked out of a small hood like a real clitoris. I would want the skin tone for both to be neutral, not white or black, maybe a Hispanic skin tone. I would like the penis to be uncircumcised, and be kinda realistic with a head with a frenulum and a scrotum and about 5" to 6" long and an average girth so it doesn't intimidate any of the men at the couples’ parties.

I would like both to have dark pubic hair but not any longer than 1/2" to 3/4". I would like it to be the small, tight kind of knitting so the stuffing doesn't show through at all. Maybe that tight kind of knitting is actually crocheting, I'm not sure. Hey, remember that one episode of friends when Chandler walks in and sees Rachel's boobies through the holes in the afghan? See also: I may watch too many Friends reruns.”

But here’s the thing. This email? This was one of my favorite ones I got all day. It’s not even one of the ones that I forwarded to the police. That’s why I’m printing it here. Because if I have an audience of women asking me for (frighteningly specific) knitted genitalia then I probably also have an audience of custom genitalia knitters searching for new clients. Please feel free to use the comment section to match yourselves up. You’re welcome.

And never, never stop sending me emails like this.